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[RedKing]

No, Jesus was a time-travelling troll who brought tachyonic communications gear to give to St. Peter, but it's not actually God the Popes have been getting their instructions from, it's a group of Internet trolls in the year 2017. The next Pope will be the last, because they'll get bored with it and tell him to detonate the hidden Templar nukes for the lulz.

The Great Western Schism happened when there was a forum war between 4chan and SA.
Alexander VI came about because of a thread titled "How much can we fuck this dude up?"
The Church's doctrine is homophobic, bigoted and misogynistic because most Internet trolls are homophobic, bigoted and misogynistic. And they hate to use condoms.

....okay, this is starting to make too MUCH sense. 

[Naryar]

Too bad. I liked that pope. Mostly because he looks like Palpatine, he has a wicked smile, and that he was probably trolling the shit of the Catholic Church.

I mean, he is an Inquisitor.

[Sergarr]

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/2013/02/popes-decision-to-come-out-of-retirement-stirs-controversy.html
Discuss.

[MaximumZero]

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/2013/02/popes-decision-to-come-out-of-retirement-stirs-controversy.html
Discuss.

Andy Borowitz is a dumbass who thinks he's a comedian, writing for a newspaper who doesn't know any better.

[Zrk2]

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/2013/02/popes-decision-to-come-out-of-retirement-stirs-controversy.html
Discuss.

I assume it's satire. Frankly, I think it's not bad.

[Evilsx]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTIorwtJbhE

I am going to leave this here

Edit: Don't watch if you like the pope

[Scoops Novel]

I demand to know the origin of your sig text in a friendly neighborhood seal kind of way. Chrysoprase requests you think upon the details. *underexploited stealth reference which redking may yet understand and seems to have bounced just enough on the rails to have garnered grudging hospital access*

[Donuts]

...I am going to wear a suit that looks like a cross...

Like Jesus did?

No, not in THAT way.

[Urist Imiknorris]

I demand to know the origin of your sig text in a friendly neighborhood seal kind of way. Chrysoprase requests i you think upon the details. *underexploited stealth reference which redking may yet understand and seems to bounced just enough on the rails to have garnered grudging hospital access*

If you're talking about Evilsx's sig, that's from the tale of Old Man Henderson.

[Evilsx]

I demand to know the origin of your sig text in a friendly neighborhood seal kind of way. Chrysoprase requests i you think upon the details. *underexploited stealth reference which redking may yet understand and seems to bounced just enough on the rails to have garnered grudging hospital access*

If you're talking about Evilsx's sig, that's from the tale of Old Man Henderson.

He be the TRUE pope

[Evilsx]

... OLD MAN HENDERSON FOR POPE 2013!

[Sir Finkus]

Oh, does this mean we get a new anti-pope too?

[Scoops Novel]

... OLD MAN HENDERSON FOR POPE 2013!

Warn me if they're using 4chan speak, please.

[RedKing]

I demand to know the origin of your sig text in a friendly neighborhood seal kind of way. Chrysoprase requests i you think upon the details. *underexploited stealth reference which redking may yet understand and seems to bounced just enough on the rails to have garnered grudging hospital access*

....dude, I can't even grok that sentence structure, much less the stealth reference. 

[Scoops Novel]

Not my best work, admittedly. However, who better to intimidate a seal into reigniting tensions with penguins then the head of the troll mafia?