I MUST update tonight! MUST! NOT! RUIN! PERFECT! RECORD!
Even if it ruins my REM sleep!
This is actually on time!
Well, dang it.
My record is finally gone.
But I will rebuild it!
Damn it, Chrome, why did you crash, taking 2/3 of the turn with it and making me redo the turn on Firefox?
Early turn, record safe!
Almost-forgotten turn, record in jeopardy!
What? Xantalos is evolving!
Congratulations! Xantalos has evolved into ... Smooth Criminal!
The Smooth Criminal enlists every NPC as a backup dancer!
The Smooth Criminal has sold several million albums!
[4] You are a smooth criminal. [1] You are pounded flat by the other Xantaloses.
"Voices.... I hate you. I'll learn not to hate you if you tell me how to stop being mush."
Try to move my new completely mushy body if which I should be dead but you didn't say that so I'm assuming I'm a living puddle of gore right now.
Yeah, you're alive. Technically.
[5] You become a shapeshifting oozy thingy.
Shoot Persus13 with the weapon.
[1v5-5] You hit Persus, causing nothing to happen. No effect on maluses. On the other hand, your gun breaks.
Bring the dead magic girls back to life.
[4+3] The dead magic girls are alive! They hate you because they're Demonic Magic Girls!
Have my golem that I created throw some people into me to tear up the boss from the inside.
[3] He throws a terrified Magical Girls Fan into Furtakarcichlordandrandomprisonertoo.
Empiricist, shoot me.
attack the boss
[1-106] You shoot so badly you miss everything in the universe!
Gain a +150 bonus.
[5-4] Your malus gets worse!
Enquire as to how I am both the heart and the stomach at the same town.
Escape using logic!
"You aren't in either. Now go take care of the dungeon. Look, someone just got thrown in."
BOSS TURN:
The Demonic Magical Girls [4+2+12+1v3+3] remind Sailor Baator of what the Power of Friendship can do.
Painfully.The Magical Girl Fan [5v2] beats up TopHat.
239 [2+3] ...What does an omnipotent little girl want, anyways? She summons a magical pony, I guess.
Shakespeare [4] writes a new masterpiece.
The research assistants [4v1+3] tackle 239.
The Martians [2] are missing parts needed to fix and finish their Large Hadron Rock Abrader.
Hamilton and Jefferson debate public policy. [3v6] Jefferson wins. The national government is weakened.
IF YOU WERE SKIPPED, YOU PROBABLY DIED.
No faction leader may have a faction leader bonus greater than half the number of the leader's followers.
Familiars and other weak minions always die with the faction, unless tied closely to the master.
One action per turn.
If you want to make sure your bonus is accounted for, speak up.
Infinite Featureless Plane of Death
Furtakarcichlordandrandomprisonertoo (+100)
Unharmed
Hats for Blood
Furtaka shoved in orifice
Pufferfish is an internal dungeon, taken care of by TopHat
Minions:
Corai
Pufferfish
TopHat
Aluminum Foil and Penny Golem
Ultra Hatlings (100)
Leader: World Golem (+8, +1 from Faction)
scapheap, Sailor Baator (+3); Pokemon: Pikachu
100 Animal Mascots (+1)
Black Tiger
Captain America (+2)
Random Drunk Girl
Pistachio (+1), GraveHaunter's Daughter, a twice-orphaned Froslass; Pokemon: Self, Abra
SCP-239 (+3)
Superman (+2)
LEADER: HEAD DEATH (+??)
Persus13, Immortal? (-106), Missing Fingers, Death of Getting Glared At Angrily By a Giant Salamander
Death of Universes Suddenly Ending
Doomblade (-5)
Empiricist, Severed Head
LordSlowpoke (Confused!)
Spinal_Taper, Former Crippled Cybernetic Hermaphroditic Improper Fraction Actress/Singer/Etc, Current Drunken Guy in a Bathrobe, In Japan
superBLAST, mush
Xantalos, Blown Up Complete Monster Downplayed Evil Genius Dignityless Maxwell Smart Former Smug Snake Former Clown
Adam Savage
Agent [REDACTED], wearing NSCP-007 (+1)
Alexander Hamilton
Allosausus (current President)
Ash Ketchum (+4 for Plot-Critical Actions) (Pokemon: Who Knows?)
Atlas (+2)
Benjamin Franklin (+1)
Cthulhu (+3)
13 Demonic Magical Girls (+2)
Gyarados (+2); Pokemon: Alakazam (+2), Charizard (+2), Dragonite (+1), Snorlax (+1), Starmie (+1)
5,000 Hatlings
Jamie Heineman
Jane Freaking Goodall
1,868,668 assorted Magical Girl fans
Martians (2)
Napoleon Blownapart
NPC!da_nang (+1)
NPC!Xantalos (+2)
NPC!Xantalos (+2)
NPC!Xantalos (+2)
NPC!Xantalos (+2)
12 Research Assistants
Pope
President Bush (the second)
President Kerry
President Lincoln
President Jackson (+1)
President Roosevelt (the first) (+2)
President Washington
Terry
Thomas Jefferson
Ursula (+3)
William Shakespeare
Zeus (+3)
Zoe Jackson