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[choobakka]

Roll To Bard
A Tale of Absurdity and Performance

Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, to the inaugural performance of THE BARD SHOW! I'll be your host for this evening, THE AMAZING STUPENDO! We have an amazing show for you tonight, lots of great performers, and an incredible adventure for them to go on. Magic, music, and mayhem ensured. But FIRST: the let's meet our cast!

Spoiler: Character Sheet (click to show/hide)

Our cast all had to fill out a form to join the show. We wiped their minds afterwards, of course, because they aren't supposed to know this is all being videotaped. But the forms are here for YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE!

Name: I'm sure you know what to do here. If you don't, please make your way to the NEXT room, where the Barbarian show is recruiting. I know, they both start with the same letter, and you probably got confused.
Gender: You don't have to fill this out if you don't want to, but at least write down a pronoun so I know what to say in the commentary.
Appearance: Just clip a photograph here. If you don't know what a photograph is, sketch yourself. For those of you with no skill in the visual arts, a quick description will be fine.
Personality: Just clip a standard brain wave scan here. If you don't know what a brain wave scan is, give an archetype/pop culture character/few word description. Like "Boisterous Bruiser" or "The Genie from Aladdin" or "Cold and Calculating".
Backstory: A few paragraphs about your past. Nothing fancy. And none of this "dark past which I do not like to talk about" baloney.
Fantasy Race: Those will be detailed elsewhere, for the benefit of the viewers. I assume you know what you are.
Class: Bard. Other options are: Bard/Wizard, Bard/Barbarian, Bard/Ninja, etc, etc. This is essentially your skill set, aside from some Magic and lots of Performance. It will have no actual effect, and is purely cosmetic. Any non-Bards, leave this place at once!
Performance Skill: What sort of performance artist are you? This could be, for example, Keyboards, or Violin, or Professional Wrestling, or Mime, or Interpretive Dance, or... Well, you get the point. You get a +1 to all rolls involving this skill.
Weapon of Choice: You start with one weapon. This can be a BIG STICK, a SMALL STICK, or a STICK THROWER with 30 THROWING STICKS. See COMBAT for more info.

STATS:
BRAWN - Physical strength. Also hitting people with big sticks.
BOUNCINESS - Agility, dexterity, speed. Hitting people with small sticks, or throwing sticks at people.
BULK - Fortitude, constitution, etc. Not getting hurt when people hit you with sticks.
BRAINS - Smarts, Intelligence, etc. Hitting people with sticks MADE OF MAGIC.
BARDLINESS - Charisma, force of personality, pulchritude. Hitting things with sticks to make a nice noise (Performance).

You will notice there is no "Wisdom" or "Common Sense" stat. That is because Bards and Common Sense are mutually exclusive, and also because I can't think of something that begins with B. You get a total of 7 STAT POINTS - Enough to be BORING and give yourself 1 in all stats but one, or AWESOME and give yourself 2 3-point stats or 1 six-point stat, with a point left over. A stat at 0 gives a -1 to a roll made with that stat, and each 3 points in a stat gives a +1. A stat below 0 (from a racial penalty) gives a -2.

Spoiler:  STANDARD FANTASY RACES (click to show/hide)

Here are the STANDARD FANTASY RACES to which our bards might belong!

Human: BOOOORIIIING. No bonuses or penalties.
(Half-)Elf: +1 BRAINS, -1 BULK: Elves are smart and contemplative, but skinny and wimpy.
Dwarf: +1 BULK, -1 BARDLINESS: Dwarves are hardy and tough, but gruff and unimaginative.
Gnome: +1 BARDLINESS, -1 BOUNCINESS: Gnomes are charismatic and funny, but clumsy and slow.
Halfling: +1 BOUNCINESS, -1 BRAWN: Halflings are quick and nimble, but short and lazy.
(Half-)Orc: +1 BRAWN, -1 BRAINS: Orcs are big and musclebound, but dumb and also dumb.

There are NO OTHER RACES! Warforged can SUCK IT. And half-elves and half-orcs are NOT NOTICEABLY DIFFERENT from their non-human parents. A half-elf-half-orc is a human.

Spoiler: Other Classes (click to show/hide)

Non-full-bard classes are just a flavor thing and offer no in-game benefits or penalties. Some examples are:
Bard/Fighter: Fighty guy. Hits things with stick. WHILE SINGING. Or dueling like in The Princess Bride. Best paired with: Perform: Witty Repartee, Perform: Sword Dance, Perform: Sing.
Bard/Wizard: Magicky guy. Better with spells than a standard bard. Best paired with: Perform: Sing, Perform: Stage Magic, Perform: Laser Show.
Bard/Rogue: Sneaky guy. Good with locks and pockets. Occasionally with disguises. Best paired with: Perform: Stage Magic, Perform: Acting, Perform: Acrobatics.
Bard/Monk: Punchy guy. Hits things with fists. Or grabs things and crushes them. Best paired with: Perform: Pro Wrestling, Perform: Calling Your Attacks, Perform: Juggling.

Other combinations are both possible and encouraged! Again: NO IN-GAME BENEFITS. JUST FLAVOR. If your wizard has 0 BRAINS, he still won't be able to use magic effectively.

Spoiler: PERFORMANCE (click to show/hide)

Bardic performances are a little tricky. Basically, performing can:

• Give you or an ally a +1 bonus on an action ("SNEAK, SNEAK, SNEAK PAST THE STUPID GOBLINS!")
• Give an enemy (or an "ally") a -1 penalty on an action (Perform: Striptease. 'Nuff said.)
  
• Create a minor magical effect (like creating an invisible wall with Perform: Mime, or putting someone to sleep with Perform: Lullabye or Perform: Storytelling)
• Replace another type of roll with a Bardliness roll (like dodging with Perform: Slapstick, or executing a FLYING DEATH LEAP OF QUETZALCOATL with Perform: LUCHA!!!!)

Spoiler: Magic (click to show/hide)

Casting a spell is a BRAINS roll. You get a number of points to spend on spell spells starting out equal to your BRAINS plus your BARDLINESS, with a maximum spell level of your BRAINS or SIX, whichever is lower. Spells cost their level in points, except for 0-level spells, which cost half a point. Spells can do basically whatever - consult your nearest D&D PLAYER'S HANDBOOK or PATHFINDER CORE RULEBOOK for a list of BARD SPELLS, or go HERE. Spells will be adapted from the D&D/Pathfinder text to something that makes sense in the RTD framework. It is possible to learn more spells as the game progresses for EXPERIENCE POINTS.

Spoiler: COMBAT (click to show/hide)

Weapon categories are BIG STICKS (two-handed or large one-handed weapons - anything that relies more on strength), SMALL STICKS (small one-handed weapons, and any other weapons that rely less on strength and more on speed), and THROWING STICKS/STICK THROWERS (ranged weapons). Some weapons (spears, throwing knives) can fall into MULTIPLE CATEGORIES - pick one and use the other at a -1 penalty.

Hitting someone with a BIG STICK is a BRAWN roll, with a SMALL STICK or THROWN STICK is a BOUNCINESS roll. Dodging is a BOUNCINESS roll; if you make above the attack roll, you dodge. If you equal the attack roll, you get scraped, taking half damage, rounded down. BIG STICKS deal 1d8 damage plus your BRAWN MODIFIER, SMALL STICKS do 1d6, THROWN STICKS do 1d6. You can wield 2 SMALL STICKS and deal 2 attacks per round if you take a -1 penalty to each attack. You must have at least 1 BOUNCINESS to wield 2 SMALL STICKS, and at least 1 BRAWN to wield a BIG STICK. You have hit points equal to 5*BULK+10, which means your HP starts at 10 and increases by 5 for every point of BULK. Or decreases, if you have -1 BULK.

Other fancy combat maneuvers (tripping, grappling, disarming) are probably BRAWN rolls. On a case-by-case basis.

Spoiler: CRITICALS (click to show/hide)

If you roll a 6, you have THREATENED A CRITICAL. Another die is rolled. If it, too, is a 6, you have scored a CRITICAL. This means you automatically hit for double damage with a weapon, or the best possible outcome for anything else. If it is not a 6, you have still succeeded, unless it is an attack, in which case your target still has a chance to dodge.

If you roll a 1, you have threatened a CRITICAL MISS. Another die is rolled. If it, too, is a 1, you have FAILED CRITICALLY. This means you automatically hit yourself or a buddy with a weapon, or the worst possible outcome for anything else. If it is not a 1, you have still failed, unless it is an attack, in which case your opponent still has a chance to screw up the dodge.

Spoiler: EXPERIENCE POINTS (click to show/hide)

Every time you roll a 6, you get an experience point. Experience points can be used to buy STATS and SPELLS. Each point in a stat costs 5 XP. A spell costs (Spell level*2) XP, except for 0-level spells, which cost 1 XP.

So, let's finally meet our contestants on... THE BARD SHOW! There will be SIX CONTESTANTS, with more coming in (through OBVIOUS PLOT DEVICES) as the earlier contestants die become incapacitated and are teleported away. They no longer have any idea they are being filmed, and are actually on the set of a REALITY TV SHOW - they think that all the danger is real, and that they are actually engaged in an EPIC QUEST TO SAVE THE UNIVERSE or whatever the writers dreamed up, I don't pay attention to these things.

[choobakka]

CONTESTANTS:
1. Belphegor, the Harpist.
2. Malkil, the Flautist
3. Hope, the Dancer
4. Gimblewit, the Singer
5. Acceus, the Saxophonist
6. Morda, the CellistProjectile Vomiter

WAITING LIST
1. Alex Mercer, the Actor (scapheap)
2. Tiruin
3. Arefu the Jester (Onyxjew)

[Caerwyn]

Reserved! Sheet making now!


Name: Belphegor
Gender: Male
Appearance: Standing at roughly 5'10", Belphegor is considered quite short from where he heralds. Nevertheless, he's a spry "Man" with brown hair, light brown skin and brown eyes. He tends to wear brown clothing.
Personality: Dark and prepared.
Backstory: A dark past which Belphegor cannot talk about, due to it being dark. How can you remember what you never saw? Jeez.
Fantasy Race: Elvish.
Class: Bard/Demonology
Performance Skill: Harps
Weapon of Choice: Throwing Sticks!
STATS:
BRAWN - 0
BOUNCINESS - 0
BULK - -1
BRAINS - 4
BARDLINESS - 3

Spells:

Summon Monster I (1 Points)
Read Magic (.5 Points)
Summon Instrument (.5 Points)
Cure Light Wounds (1 Point)
Comprehend Languages (1 Point)

(I get a maximum of 4 points, right?)

[Unholy_Pariah]

reserved

Name: malkil
Gender: male
Appearance: a short creature with beady brown eyes, pale white skin and a mop of brown hair with a notable disdain for shoes.
Personality: greedy thief
Backstory: after being repeatedly left behind by every group of halflings that set out on quests or adventures malkil finally got fed up and set out on his own, he soon discovered the harsh reality of life outside his home and resorted to thievery in order to survive. Several weeks after resorting to this way of life he discovered that he rather enjoyed the challenge of burglary and soon he was one of the best thieves in the city. One night he broke into the house of a wealthy merchant and stole among other things a fancy flute and a damaged tome of magic which he still possesses to this day.
Race: halfling
Class: bard/rogue
Performance Skill: flute
Weapon of choice: small sticks

Brawn 1-1
Bounciness 2+1
Bulk 0
Brains 3
Bardliness 1

Spells:
vanish (1 point)
Disguise other (2 points)
Cure light wounds (1 point)

[SeriousConcentrate]

Name: Hope Sederis
Gender: Female
Appearance:
Personality: Carefree and adventurous
Backstory: Hope is twenty one years old and lived her life in the manner of the gypsy peoples that 'adopted' her when she was a baby. She always showed a talent for dance and swordplay, and so usually defended her caravan with big two-handed swords when travelling and danced in skimpy outfits for money when they rolled into town. Her life has been pretty basic, really.
Fantasy Race: Human
Class: Bard/Warrior
Performance Skill: Dance
Weapon of Choice: Big Stick

STATS:
BRAWN - +3
BOUNCINESS - +1
BULK - 0
BRAINS - +1
BARDLINESS - +2

Spells Known (3 points total):
Message (0.5)
Spark (0.5)
Chord of Shards (1)
Charm Person (1)

(EDIT: To change image, because I started to really dislike the previous one I had. >.< Also Word of God said she had skimpy clothes and a big sword, so... )

[GreatWyrmGold]

Spoiler: Gimblewit (click to show/hide)

Gender: Female
Appearance: Not a high priority
Personality
Backstory: Gimblewit was born 11th in a small family. She was the second youngest daughter and therefore most chores were already being taken care of by older siblings. She therefore apprenticed herself to a mage who was travelling through town; by the time he was driven out, she had learned enough to be useful around the house. She was still a tender not-quote-20 at that point, so she wasn't sure of she would be a singer or an adventurer. A bit before her 23rd birthday, Gimblewit's family was attacked by goblins. This turned her off adventuring and left her an orphan and almost an only child. She parted ways with her surviving older sister and twin brothers, and is currently taking care of her young twin sister, Aramoon. In case exact age matters, Gimblewit is 26 (analogous to around 15 for humans) and Aramoon is 5 (about 3).
Race: Gnome
Class: Bard/Sorcerer
Skill: Sing
Weapon: Small Stick (Short Swords)

Spoiler: Stats: (click to show/hide)

Brawn: 0
Bounciness: 1
Brains: 2
Bulk: 0
Bardliness: 4

Spoiler: Spells Known: (click to show/hide)

Charm Person
Cure Light Wounds
Detect Magic
Major Image
Mending
Sleep

[Caellath]

Reserved, making it.

Spoiler: Acceus Malkaven; Smooth Jazz Man in training (click to show/hide)

Name: Acceus Malkaven
Gender: Male
Appearance: 5'10", 154 lbs, short and curly brown hair, light brown eyes and a very young-looking face. Wears a light blue long-sleeved shirt, black vest and pants which end at black high boots just bellow the knee. He also has an equally black hat with a blue ribbon and a white feather.
Personality: Calm and collected, tends to mediate conflicts. His demeanor is usually very polite as well.
Backstory: Part of a community of standard-issue bards, Acceus developed an instrument and a style of music he believed that would change the world through hot, sweaty love. Of course not everyone else was very accepting of that. Due to the fact he was kicked out of his base community, he had to learn how to fight by himself, which in turn meant that after a few weeks of trial and error he learned scimitars are interesting weapons which have low chances of decapitating its owners.
Fantasy Race: Human.
Class: Bard/Spellblade
Performance Skill: Saxophone (Smooth Jazz)
Weapon of Choice: Smallstick (Dual Scimitars)
STATS:
BRAWN - 0
BOUNCINESS - 1
BULK - 1
BRAINS - 3
BARDLINESS - 2

Spells [3 max level/5 points]:
2 points - Cure Moderate Wounds (Through Jazz)
3 points - Haste (Also Jazz)

[Harry Baldman]

Here's my sheet:

Spoiler: Morda Stonelove, Scum (click to show/hide)

Name: Morda Stonelove

Gender: Female

Appearance: a four feet six inches tall dwarven woman with messy dark brown shoulder length hair, dark-brown eyes, rather plain looking face with a bulbous nose and a wide mouth. Has a long brown beard covering most of aforementioned face and stretching down to her stomach. Usually has a dull look in her eyes. Her clothes may have once been colorful and extravagant, but are now far too covered in booze and vomit for it to matter.

Personality: Lazy. Giftedly bad at music and performing. Has no sense of responsibility or decency.

Backstory: Morda left her dwarven clan early in life, seeking fame and fortune in the world. What she found was a wild life and people who paid her to get totally drunk, play a song and pass out on a table at the end of the day. This suited her just fine. After all, who doesn't want to get paid for exhibiting absolutely no talent and just behaving naturally? In the end, she became professional scum - a person who is brought to an establishment to give it some street cred as an "edgy, commoner-filled place" to attract adventurous nobles.

Fantasy Race: Dwarf

Class: Bard/Drunkard/Crappy Cellist

Performance Skill: Cello Projectile Vomiting.

Weapon of Choice: Big Stick (Weighted Cello)

Stats:
BRAWN - 2
BOUNCINESS - 2
BULK - 3 (+1 racial bonus)
BRAINS - 0
BARDLINESS - 0 (-1 racial penalty)

Spells:
Uh... none? If you take into account the racial penalty, Morda would have give some back to the GM.

[scapheap]

Guess I waitlist reserved for sheet

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Name: Alex Mercer
Gender: Male
Appearance: point left
Personality: Cold
Backstory: Died and rose as a zombie Got beaten up then took revenge on Blackwatch. Loss a bet with Cross and has to try his hand at being a bard.
Fantasy Race: Blacklight Human
Class: Bard/Rogue
Performance Skill: Perform: Acting
Weapon of Choice: BIG STICK

STATS:
BRAWN - 2
BOUNCINESS - 0
BULK - 2
BRAINS - 2
BARDLINESS – 1

SPELLS

Cause fear
Disguise self
Innocence

[GreatWyrmGold]

Assuming all but one of the reservers post a sheet, we're at capacity.

[Harry Baldman]

I have a question - are racial bonuses applied to rolls or stats? It's a very important difference, you know.

[Greenstarfanatic]

Reserving a spot! Probably the last one!

[Harry Baldman]

That last spot seems to be going between scapheap and me. It might go to me since I reserved first, but it might go to scapheap because he posted the sheet first.

[Greenstarfanatic]

Eh. I guess I'll just watch.

[Harry Baldman]

Get on the waitlist! It probably won't be too long before somebody dies, what with the fact that only Morda and Mercer have more than 0 Bulk.