I feel awful. I know bitching about being alone on the internet is a cliche but, hey, that's what I am doing.
I suppose it started whe I went on leave back home. At one point in the middle of the week I visited my ex (her and I are pretty good friends still, she isn't one of those "punish you for loving me" types). She was very excited to see me, we had been talking a lot prior to me coming home and I felt the same way. We went out and got food and she wanted me to come over and meet her boyfriend. She said she wanted my approval. I gritted my teeth but I decided to go. It wasn't bad or awkward, quite the opposite in fact.
He is some hipster college bum who doesn't know what kind of degree he wants or what he will be when he gets out. He also smokes weed and cigarettes and shit. Nice enough though, that being said he will never even begin to approach something that isn't human trash in my eyes but whatever.
My ex and I have feelings for eachother. I know that much. She broke up with me because I had joined the Navy and was going to leave in 9 monthes and apparently even smart people can get "Sophomore girl syndrome" (when you end it prematurely or just never try because you don't want to deal with the end result of them leaving. I call it that because a sophomore girl usually ends up with a senior back when i was in high school). In tabout 5 monthes from that she ended up with her, at the moment, fix. They are living together and sleeping in the same bed, out of convenience, but still.
Then you have me, I have never had a relationship longer than a month and a half. It's usually very rapid with sex happening between the second and third week. I usually end up being the mistress because someone wants to mess around without leaving who they are with. I hate myself for it, but I concede and end up being used through, hated, and hating myself even more. I constantly over analyze, am bitter, jealous, when something neavative occurs I think of it as my due punishment, when something positive happens I consider it misplaced serendipity.
This whole situation happened about 2 monthes ago and at first I was in hystertics, comparing myself to everything and everyone, watching people get married and be happy. I have convelesced bit by bit over time and have been dealing with rejection after rejection with trying to just find someone to talk to and being pushed back, because I need to fill the hole my ex left ( I can no longer stomach talking to her now because I am reminded of myself). Everyone in my barracks is curious what is wrong with me but luckily i am able to manage a solid face most of the time.
I am falling apart. I just want someone to lean on, to validate myself. I realize that is awful, cold, and shallow. I don't care. I am so hollow and the holidays and weekends are so hard. I know no one can help and I really didn't ask any questions but I just needed to spill.
Post if you like, I will read every comment.
Author
Topic: Feelings Beatdown (Read 1061 times)