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[A_Curious_Cat]

Did you hear about the cannibal children?  Their parents told them to stop playing with their food.

[Starver]

Did you hear about the cannibal children?  Their parents told them to stop playing with their food.

The only alternative to cannibalism is to make a false dichotomy!

[MeimieFan88]

My ex wife still misses me
But her aim is getting better.

[Rolan7]

My ex wife still misses me
But her aim is getting better.

Well I knew it had reached a crescendo when...
my step mom shot her ex-husband, my dad, with a shotgun.  She got off.

[martinuzz]

Putin is like beautiful painting.
You cannot just leave it lying in office. You have to hang it, or put against the wall.

[martinuzz]

A Frechman, a Brit, and a Russian are talking about cars.
"In France, I drive a 2CV, but when I go on holidays outside of France, I drive a DS", says the Frenchman.
"In the UK, I drive a mini, but when I go abroad, I drive a Jaguar", says the Brit.
"In Russia, we always drive Lada", says the Russian.

The Frenchman asks "But what do you drive when you travel outside of Russia?"
"Oh, then we always drive tanks"

[Akura]

Not mine, but this morning, the usually straight-laced news reporter on the radio gave some background on how 420(today's date is written as such in the US) has been associated with marijuana since 1971.

Then she referred to today as "Hash Wednesday".

[dragdeler]

Anglophones be like "crimea river" when everybody knows there is no water in crimea.

[Starver]

When Russia first claimed Ukrainean territory that they weren't entitled to, everyone else seemingly thought it was only a little Crimea. This time round, the world knows for sure that there's been a whole lotta crime 'ere!

[a1s]

Anglophones be like "crimea river" when everybody knows there is no water in crimea.

I don't get this one. Crimea has several rivers, and is in general surrounded by water on most sides.

[dragdeler]

Afaik the russian been spending a fortune to get water to the peninsula since ukranians closed off some canal in 2015.

[Starver]

(Officially, agriculture under Russian administration grew, since they took over. Also, one of the official causus beli is that "Ukraine is causing a drought on the Ukraine". How much of each is true is debateable. External assessments suggest that the practical amount of sufficiently irrigated land (much of which is supplied by various "rice canals" leading straight off the North Crimea Canal that previously brung Dnipro water over the linking isthmus and across to the north/east edge of the peninsula) has reduced to about 10% of pre-2014 levels, since Ukraine decided it wasn't interested in exporting water to the stolen territory and shut off the feed. And the Russian authorities rationed water to the eastern cities, even as they worked out how to bring the south-western river-water into the system. It is no surprise that one of the first things they did, as soon as they got to it, was to re-open the Dnipro-feed into the canal from 'mainland' Ukraine, but there's no firm information about if that's yet done much good for crops or residents.)

(Not funny, even terribly, but as factual as I think I can put it. Expect different assessments (and layers of blame/accusation) from different sources, though, as you'd expect.)

[Schmaven]

What did one pot of water say to the other pot of water that was carried away to be boiled?

You will be mist.

[Loud Whispers]

What did one pot of water say to the other pot of water that was carried away to be boiled?

You will be mist.

By stove!

[Bumber]

I prefer frozen yogurt over ice cream because it's more cultured.