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[Starver]

Genuinely heard, today. Not even sure it was intended as a joke, but I inwardly groaned (in a good way, although not in a good good way), and thought I should share the pain.


The scene, a locksmith's shop. A proper shop shop not a shoes-and-keys-and-dog-identity-tags kiosk under the eaves of a supermarket entrance awning. We'd actually rung ahead of visiting to see if they were open (and for drop-in business, not just call-out) as we needed some padlocks looking/maybe replacing for... reasons I won't bore you with.

Ahead of me at the counter, a responsible distance away, a lady customer who hadn't known if she'd find the place open under the current conditions, chatting with the guy behind the counter as her business was being transacted, and in the course of the conversation uttered that one particular question.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"So are you a Key Worker?"

[Naturegirl1999]

I mean, locks are usually opened with keys

[Iduno]

Genuinely heard, today. Not even sure it was intended as a joke, but I inwardly groaned (in a good way, although not in a good good way), and thought I should share the pain.


The scene, a locksmith's shop. A proper shop shop not a shoes-and-keys-and-dog-identity-tags kiosk under the eaves of a supermarket entrance awning. We'd actually rung ahead of visiting to see if they were open (and for drop-in business, not just call-out) as we needed some padlocks looking/maybe replacing for... reasons I won't bore you with.

Ahead of me at the counter, a responsible distance away, a lady customer who hadn't known if she'd find the place open under the current conditions, chatting with the guy behind the counter as her business was being transacted, and in the course of the conversation uttered that one particular question.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"So are you a Key Worker?"

They get called essential around here, and I still immediately picked up on the double-meaning. It's great, and I'm not sure if the person should have felt a bit bad for the accident, or been a bit proud.

If I said something like that to someone, I probably would have paused to think about what I said, then given them a "well, that's been said now" shrug.

[Starver]

One of superstore chains over here has a food-hall aimed at the discerning (but middle-class) consumer, which is keyed towards the 'somewhat above par' level of their foodstuffs.

Maybe to cater for inverse-snobbery, or just not to be too exclusive and actually get enough footfall, they have a 'basics' range too, more or less under the brand title of Essential <foo>.

Famously, though, it's not just bog-standard bread, milk, eggs, etc, but produces such interesting products as Essential Couscous, Red Wine,, Butternut Squash, Halloumi, Parma ham, Avocado, Parmesan, Pineapple, etc.

They may be considered basic and traditional staple foodstuffs in other places, but not Britain, so you can imagine what those of us who don't tend to try out something like a new "couscous and yam-jam flan" at their next dinner-party think of this.

[KittyTac]

What do you call a hacking attack on the Vatican's servers?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Tampering in God's domain!

[Yoink]

I want to go buy a Vietnamese sandwich but they Banh Mi from going outside

   

Don't worry, I'm sure by the time spring rolls around we'll be allowed out again.

   

[Iduno]

I want to go buy a Vietnamese sandwich but they Banh Mi from going outside

   

Don't worry, I'm sure by the time spring rolls around we'll be allowed out again.

   

That's terrible, and I love it.

[Reelya]

Seems like a good time for Vietnamese Spring Rolls, australian style:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMuOvE940KE

[Kagus]

As they used to say in Vietnam; "Bon appetit"!

[chuckles smugly in "I got that"]


Before I watched that I was actually going to comment with something related, about how when sitting down to a fancy meal you should remember to announce "Erectile dysfunction!" loudly for the other guests (it's fancy talk for "Boner apathy").

EDIT:
Which national park is the most welcoming to Jews?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Yosemite

EDIT2:
It's taken me this long to finally realize that the Matrix scene where an agent absorbs and replaces that car chauffeur was just the simulation updating its drivers.

[MaxTheFox]

Hamsters are like cigarettes, completely harmless until

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

I'm going to hell for this.

[Naturegirl1999]

Lighting something in your mouth on fire is going to be harmful no matter what it is, you are speaking the truth. Can’t think of a terrible joke right now, so I’m gonna type a string of random letters and numbers and see what autocorrupt does with it

Spoiler: autocorrupt not doing anything (click to show/hide)

Uw8sj3be8fuvbebeudivubrud9cjdnedhehfhychydhd7edhycbcy

Spoiler: let’s choose words from autocorrupt to maybe make something coherent (click to show/hide)

The this was something that I didn’t think about the plague and the other molecules of water were removed from above

[Starver]

Forget autocorr(ect|upt), you wanna try autosuggest...  https://xkcd.com/1068/

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Though I can't demonstrate that right now, as I've removed that bar of three suggestions from my current onscreen keyboard, I have enough problems accidentally djoggyomh pmr lru pbrt when I tap, despite/because of being a rapid but unorthodox[1] touch-typist on regular keyboards.

[1] No-one forced me to rest on the home-row and deficate each hand to each half, so it looks messy but it usually works. When I can feel myself having miskeyed, and don't have just the one hand roving everywhere  (when holding Tab with the other) with just one digit about 75% if the time (thumb and adjacent finger were employed in that sentence, but I had to think about how I was doing it so that might have changed the outcome due to self-observation. And this sentence is now two-handed having set the tablet down to try it and uses *...counts..." seven different digits including both thumbs, with three seriius typos corrected and that noticed one left alone because the retype went exactly-the-same-wrong...)

[Eschar]

Lighting something in your mouth on fire is going to be harmful no matter what it is, you are speaking the truth. Can’t think of a terrible joke right now, so I’m gonna type a string of random letters and numbers and see what autocorrupt does with it

Spoiler: autocorrupt not doing anything (click to show/hide)

Uw8sj3be8fuvbebeudivubrud9cjdnedhehfhychydhd7edhycbcy

Spoiler: let’s choose words from autocorrupt to maybe make something coherent (click to show/hide)

The this was something that I didn’t think about the plague and the other molecules of water were removed from above

I see autocorrect has learned of McCreary's Planet

[Iduno]

SMBC. The joke is subtler and probably better without the text at the bottom, but you get what you get.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

[SeriousConcentrate]

Where do you go after a peekaboo accident?

The ICU.