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Author Topic: Terrible Jokes  (Read 715783 times)

hector13

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #4320 on: May 24, 2019, 12:46:04 pm »

Q: If you put a kilo of iron and a kilo of feathers on a scale, what weighs the most?



A: The crushing ennui of our meaningless existence.

ftfy
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Look, we need to raise a psychopath who will murder God, we have no time to be spending on cooking.

If you struggle with your mental health, please seek help.

Kagus

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #4321 on: May 31, 2019, 06:00:37 am »

Two cannibals are walking along. One says to the other "Hey, wanna go get some Korean?"

The other replies "Nah, too gamey"

Rolan7

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #4322 on: May 31, 2019, 06:36:08 pm »

(Found in an ancient comic comment section)

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table these three objects: A Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey.

“Now then,” the old preacher said to himself, “I’ll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be. If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be ok, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a drunkard a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.”

The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son’s footsteps as he came into the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket, uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.

“Lord have mercy,” the old man whispered, “He’s gonna be a politician!”
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She/they
No justice: no peace.
Quote from: Fallen London, one Unthinkable Hope
This one didn't want to be who they was. On the Surface – it was a dull, unconsidered sadness. But everything changed. Which implied everything could change.

Kagus

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #4323 on: June 01, 2019, 02:51:07 am »

I was expecting penis.

Bumber

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #4324 on: June 01, 2019, 10:37:14 am »

I was expecting penis.

“Lord have mercy,” the old man whispered, “He’s gonna be a penis!”
(Lord have mercy on my sides!)
« Last Edit: June 01, 2019, 10:48:32 am by Bumber »
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Reading his name would trigger it. Thinking of him would trigger it. No other circumstances would trigger it- it was strictly related to the concept of Bill Clinton entering the conscious mind.

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Rolan7

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #4325 on: June 01, 2019, 08:39:39 pm »

Okay fine, I get it.  My joke wasn't terrible enough, and lacked penis.  Got you covered (SFW).
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She/they
No justice: no peace.
Quote from: Fallen London, one Unthinkable Hope
This one didn't want to be who they was. On the Surface – it was a dull, unconsidered sadness. But everything changed. Which implied everything could change.

pisskop

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #4326 on: June 01, 2019, 10:29:36 pm »

that was kind of funny
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Culise

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #4327 on: June 02, 2019, 06:57:55 pm »

Inspired by today's food:

Why do you always run into trouble when you bundle up green onions in plastic?  Because you end up with wrapped scallions.
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Yoink

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #4328 on: July 09, 2019, 10:57:31 am »

What do you call it when an Italian businessman shoots down an idea?

An executive Vito. I just came up with this, for all I know it's already an old joke but I am pleased with myself nonetheless.        
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Booze is Life for Yoink

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you need to reconsider your life
If there's any cause worth dying for, it's memes.

pikachu17

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #4329 on: July 09, 2019, 02:31:06 pm »

A bank robber points his gun at the bank teller and says, "Give me the money or you're geography!"
The bank teller replies, "Don't you mean 'or you're history?"
And the robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
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Culise

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #4330 on: July 09, 2019, 08:02:14 pm »

A bank robber points his gun at the bank teller and says, "Give me the money or you're geography!"
The bank teller replies, "Don't you mean 'or you're history?"
And the robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
A linguist in line chimes in, "In fact, he changed the object."
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Frumple

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #4331 on: July 09, 2019, 08:04:06 pm »

At which point the robber doesn't bother to eat, and just shoots and leaves. News stations around the world are later befuddled by the gun toting panda.
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Yoink

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #4332 on: August 04, 2019, 08:50:03 am »

Came up with this one earlier, though I would be very surprised if similar jokes haven't been made before.



Quote
Why are Irish people so crazy?

Because they're a bunch of craic addicts.
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Booze is Life for Yoink

To deprive him of Drink is to steal divinity from God.
you need to reconsider your life
If there's any cause worth dying for, it's memes.

TD1

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #4333 on: August 04, 2019, 03:35:12 pm »

That particular play on words is well-used. Though kudos for knowing what craic is - I didn't know it was particularly well spread as a term.
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Iduno

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #4334 on: August 05, 2019, 10:59:39 am »

It's not an intentional joke, but it is in poor taste:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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