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Author Topic: Terrible Jokes  (Read 712620 times)

hector13

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3405 on: August 09, 2016, 11:57:37 pm »

You are a dirty atheist.

I think we like that 'round here.
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Look, we need to raise a psychopath who will murder God, we have no time to be spending on cooking.

the way your fingertips plant meaningless soliloquies makes me think you are the true evil among us.

TheBiggerFish

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3406 on: August 10, 2016, 01:28:30 am »

T'was actually funny.
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Sigtext

It has been determined that Trump is an average unladen swallow travelling northbound at his maximum sustainable speed of -3 Obama-cubits per second in the middle of a class 3 hurricane.

Tawa

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3407 on: August 11, 2016, 05:33:57 pm »

In Animal Farm, one of the characters changes their name near the end of the book. Who is it, and what do they change their name to?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
[/spoiler]
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SaberToothTiger

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3408 on: August 15, 2016, 04:56:53 pm »

((Mass translating jokes from a few sites. A few minor additions and modifications were made.))

This is an exceirpt from instructions given to American policemen:

If he walks across the road and look left and right before crossing, he's an arab terrorist.
If he walks across the road without looking around, he's an experienced arab terrorist.
If he walks across the road looking high up in the sky, he is a fanatical arab terrorist.
If he walks across the road with his eyes closed, he is a sleepwalker arab terrorist.
If he isn't crossing the road and isn't even out on the streets, he is an arab terrorist who called in sick.

---

American astronauts find a message scratched on a wall in the ISS, saying "obama sux". Russians claim this is a proof of intelligent extraterrestial life forms.

---

A police stops a driver on the road.
"Sir, do you know how close your car was to hitting that tree?"
"Officer, I apologize, I had a few before getting in the car."
"This is no excuse for letting your wife drive!"

---

Judas: The one I shall kiss is Jesus.
Romans: Couldn't you just point him out with a finger?
Judas: *applying lipstick* I don't tell you how to do your jobs.

---

Nurse: Doctor! We're losing the patient!
Docter: Don't worry, it's not a problem.
Nurse: What...? How is it not a problem!? The patient is departing!
Docter: When he returns, we'll just ask him to apologize.

---

In ancient Greece, two particular men lived. One borrowed from the other three Oboles before dying. He didn't give them back, and he was mean enough to ask to be buried with them. During the funeral, the loan giver said that he will sit at his foe's until he pays back his debt. He waited three days, and he waited three nights. On the fourth day an apparition appeared before him. It was his old "friend"!

B: I won't give you back the money, before you ask.
A: But why!?
B: I need it to pay Charon.
A: Charon charges only a single Obol!
B: Yeah, I paid him one on the first trip, I paid him one to get me here, and I'll give him the third on the return trip.

---

It's unwise - said the experience.
Just try - said the dreams.
Nine years in a penal colony and another nine spent as a colonist - said the judge.

---

Tell a woman she is beautiful a thousand times and she won't remember.
Tell her she is fat once, and she will remember it forever.
Ever wonder why elephants have such a good memory?

---

A British child shall take a sheet of paper and make a dapper paper airplane. A Japanese child will take the sheet of paper and make a beautiful and lifelike paper swan. A Chinese child shall take the sheet and make a cheap drone destined for the western market. An American child shall take sheet of paper and will hurt itself.

---

"Hello, FSB!? I have discovered a jewish conspiracy, it involves the rabbi in our local synagogue, he gathers the faithful in the temple cellar in the night..."
"Yeah, and they, uh, drink christian baby blood or sumthin'?"
"No, it's worse! They stuff themselves with bacon and oink out of pure, unadulterated pleasure!"

---

"Who blocked the door with that beautiful and expensive red lamborghini!?"
"What the hell, mate? Don't you recognize your own car?"
"I do, but I want the neighbourhood to know."

---

The seven stages of grief:

1. Denial.
2. Anger.
3. Negotiations.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptation.
6. Saturday.
7. Sunday.

---

"Doctor, my mother never remembers my name when I go and visit her."
"Alzheimer...?"
"For fuck's sake, it's Martin."

---

A politician comes to a mystic and asks her:
"Tell me about my future."
"You are driving in a big, black car without the roof. There is a huge crowd around, counting over two hundred thousand."
The politician smiles, and asks for more. The mystic continues:
"The people in the crowd are smiling, shouting, waving flags and are looking triumphant."
"They love me... Oh tell me, please, am I shaking hands with them!? Am I!?"
He asks, and the mystic simply replies:
"No, the coffin is closed."
« Last Edit: August 15, 2016, 05:42:56 pm by SaberToothTiger »
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I gaze into its milky depths, searching the wheat and sugar for the meanings I can never find.
It's like tea leaf divination, but with cartoon leprechauns.
There are only two sure things in life: death and taxes and lists and poor arithmetic and overlong jokes and poor memory and probably a few more things.

hector13

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3409 on: August 15, 2016, 05:08:54 pm »

I did like the Judas one.
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Look, we need to raise a psychopath who will murder God, we have no time to be spending on cooking.

the way your fingertips plant meaningless soliloquies makes me think you are the true evil among us.

SaberToothTiger

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3410 on: August 15, 2016, 05:36:04 pm »

It was my favorite too, but there are more coming up.
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I gaze into its milky depths, searching the wheat and sugar for the meanings I can never find.
It's like tea leaf divination, but with cartoon leprechauns.
There are only two sure things in life: death and taxes and lists and poor arithmetic and overlong jokes and poor memory and probably a few more things.

Avis-Mergulus

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3411 on: August 15, 2016, 06:48:44 pm »


"Who blocked the door with that beautiful and expensive red lamborghini!?"
"What the hell, mate? Don't you recognize your own car?"
"I do, but I want the neighbourhood to know."


What's that effect called when you hear or experience something right after first learning about it in a seemingly unrelated manner?
I heard this very same joke just a week ago, from a guy I'm pretty sure is a non-English speaking not-Polish person, so it isn't you. Of course the likely explanation is that it was in some new media that you and the guy happened to consume at the same time, or that it's a psych glitch... Still, it's uncanny.
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“See this Payam!” cried the gods, “He deceives us! He cruelly abuses our lustful hearts!”

SaberToothTiger

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3412 on: August 16, 2016, 05:49:23 am »

Deja vu, possibly.
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I gaze into its milky depths, searching the wheat and sugar for the meanings I can never find.
It's like tea leaf divination, but with cartoon leprechauns.
There are only two sure things in life: death and taxes and lists and poor arithmetic and overlong jokes and poor memory and probably a few more things.

Avis-Mergulus

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3413 on: August 16, 2016, 06:18:15 am »

Deja vu, possibly.
Nah, it's when it actually did happen before. It's just seemingly improbable.
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“See this Payam!” cried the gods, “He deceives us! He cruelly abuses our lustful hearts!”

Tack

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3414 on: August 16, 2016, 07:20:02 am »

Co-incidence?
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Sentience, Endurance, and Thumbs: The Trifector of a Superpredator.
Yeah, he's a banned spammer. Normally we'd delete this thread too, but people were having too much fun with it by the time we got here.

RedWarrior0

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3415 on: August 16, 2016, 08:59:24 am »


"Who blocked the door with that beautiful and expensive red lamborghini!?"
"What the hell, mate? Don't you recognize your own car?"
"I do, but I want the neighbourhood to know."


What's that effect called when you hear or experience something right after first learning about it in a seemingly unrelated manner?
I heard this very same joke just a week ago, from a guy I'm pretty sure is a non-English speaking not-Polish person, so it isn't you. Of course the likely explanation is that it was in some new media that you and the guy happened to consume at the same time, or that it's a psych glitch... Still, it's uncanny.
Frequency illusion, also known as Baader Meinhof phenomenon?
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hops

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3416 on: August 16, 2016, 10:42:50 am »

Blue Cars Effect?
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Avis-Mergulus

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3417 on: August 16, 2016, 10:56:48 am »


"Who blocked the door with that beautiful and expensive red lamborghini!?"
"What the hell, mate? Don't you recognize your own car?"
"I do, but I want the neighbourhood to know."


What's that effect called when you hear or experience something right after first learning about it in a seemingly unrelated manner?
I heard this very same joke just a week ago, from a guy I'm pretty sure is a non-English speaking not-Polish person, so it isn't you. Of course the likely explanation is that it was in some new media that you and the guy happened to consume at the same time, or that it's a psych glitch... Still, it's uncanny.
Frequency illusion, also known as Baader Meinhof phenomenon?
Blue Cars Effect?

Yes! Yes, both of those. Thank you.
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“See this Payam!” cried the gods, “He deceives us! He cruelly abuses our lustful hearts!”

Tawa

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3418 on: August 22, 2016, 01:56:16 pm »

A man is accosted by what seems to be a giraffe, but with antlers and scales. Unsure what it is, he walks up to it, in an attempt to gain its trust.

Suddenly, it catches on fire and begins kicking him. He tries to run away, but it gives chase and continues attacking. The man yells for help:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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hector13

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #3419 on: August 22, 2016, 03:15:43 pm »

I thought a q in pinyin was pronounced "ch". Ah well.
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Look, we need to raise a psychopath who will murder God, we have no time to be spending on cooking.

the way your fingertips plant meaningless soliloquies makes me think you are the true evil among us.
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