((Mass translating jokes from a few sites. A few minor additions and modifications were made.))
This is an exceirpt from instructions given to American policemen:
If he walks across the road and look left and right before crossing, he's an arab terrorist.
If he walks across the road without looking around, he's an experienced arab terrorist.
If he walks across the road looking high up in the sky, he is a fanatical arab terrorist.
If he walks across the road with his eyes closed, he is a sleepwalker arab terrorist.
If he isn't crossing the road and isn't even out on the streets, he is an arab terrorist who called in sick.
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American astronauts find a message scratched on a wall in the ISS, saying "obama sux". Russians claim this is a proof of intelligent extraterrestial life forms.
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A police stops a driver on the road.
"Sir, do you know how close your car was to hitting that tree?"
"Officer, I apologize, I had a few before getting in the car."
"This is no excuse for letting your wife drive!"
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Judas: The one I shall kiss is Jesus.
Romans: Couldn't you just point him out with a finger?
Judas: *applying lipstick* I don't tell you how to do your jobs.
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Nurse: Doctor! We're losing the patient!
Docter: Don't worry, it's not a problem.
Nurse: What...? How is it not a problem!? The patient is departing!
Docter: When he returns, we'll just ask him to apologize.
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In ancient Greece, two particular men lived. One borrowed from the other three Oboles before dying. He didn't give them back, and he was mean enough to ask to be buried with them. During the funeral, the loan giver said that he will sit at his foe's until he pays back his debt. He waited three days, and he waited three nights. On the fourth day an apparition appeared before him. It was his old "friend"!
B: I won't give you back the money, before you ask.
A: But why!?
B: I need it to pay Charon.
A: Charon charges only a single Obol!
B: Yeah, I paid him one on the first trip, I paid him one to get me here, and I'll give him the third on the return trip.
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It's unwise - said the experience.
Just try - said the dreams.
Nine years in a penal colony and another nine spent as a colonist - said the judge.
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Tell a woman she is beautiful a thousand times and she won't remember.
Tell her she is fat once, and she will remember it forever.
Ever wonder why elephants have such a good memory?
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A British child shall take a sheet of paper and make a dapper paper airplane. A Japanese child will take the sheet of paper and make a beautiful and lifelike paper swan. A Chinese child shall take the sheet and make a cheap drone destined for the western market. An American child shall take sheet of paper and will hurt itself.
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"Hello, FSB!? I have discovered a jewish conspiracy, it involves the rabbi in our local synagogue, he gathers the faithful in the temple cellar in the night..."
"Yeah, and they, uh, drink christian baby blood or sumthin'?"
"No, it's worse! They stuff themselves with bacon and oink out of pure, unadulterated pleasure!"
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"Who blocked the door with that beautiful and expensive red lamborghini!?"
"What the hell, mate? Don't you recognize your own car?"
"I do, but I want the neighbourhood to know."
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The seven stages of grief:
1. Denial.
2. Anger.
3. Negotiations.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptation.
6. Saturday.
7. Sunday.
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"Doctor, my mother never remembers my name when I go and visit her."
"Alzheimer...?"
"For fuck's sake, it's Martin."
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A politician comes to a mystic and asks her:
"Tell me about my future."
"You are driving in a big, black car without the roof. There is a huge crowd around, counting over two hundred thousand."
The politician smiles, and asks for more. The mystic continues:
"The people in the crowd are smiling, shouting, waving flags and are looking triumphant."
"They love me... Oh tell me, please, am I shaking hands with them!? Am I!?"
He asks, and the mystic simply replies:
"No, the coffin is closed."
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Topic: Terrible Jokes (Read 714826 times)