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Author Topic: Terrible Jokes  (Read 712332 times)

Rose

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2085 on: April 09, 2015, 06:15:41 am »

What did one orphan say to the other?


"Robin! To the batmobile, go! "
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Insanegame27

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2086 on: April 09, 2015, 06:35:06 am »

Yes, I do know the real reason.



If you're ever attacked by a group of clowns, go for the juggler.


I brought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.



« Last Edit: April 09, 2015, 06:40:57 am by Insanegame27 »
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Quote from: Second Amendment
A militia cannot function properly without arms, therefore the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
The military cannot function without tanks and warplanes, therefore the right of the people to keep and bear tanks and warplanes, shall not be infringed.
The military cannot function without ICBMs, therefore the right of the people to keep and bear ICBMs, shall not be infringed.

Akura

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2087 on: April 09, 2015, 07:53:44 am »

Pretty sure that disclaimer is inaccurate.
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Descan

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2088 on: April 09, 2015, 08:29:10 am »

Jesus, guys. It's the same damn joke.
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acetech09

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2089 on: April 09, 2015, 10:30:46 am »

Still not even really the full joke.

"So, a captain of a ship is sitting there as his ship sails along. His first mate runs up to him. 'Sir, an enemy ship is on the horizon!'

'Bring me my red coat.'

So, the first mate brings him his red coat, and they win the battle without a single casualty. Afterwards, his first mate asks, 'Sir, when the battle began, why did you ask me to bring you a red coat?'

'Well, by wearing a red coat, if I were to be shot, the crew would not see the blood, and keep fighting.'

A whiles later, the first mate runs in again: 'Captain, 20 enemy ships on the horizon!'

'Bring my my brown pants.'"

This is what really happened:

In the year 1716, the northern seas were assailed by a new, legendary pirate. The "Crimson Nightmare", he was called. Scourge of the seas. There were rumors about him, from the few survivors the Nightmare spared. They said that the Nighmare was nigh invulnerable. Swords and rifles didn't harm him. He did not bleed and he did not flinch.

Admiral Charleston of the Royal Navy was appointed to track down and kill the man responsible for the sinking of ever-so-many trade vessels. He set out with eleven frigates. Charleston's ship sailed forward, alone, hoping to bait his nemesis into a battle, and during the engagement, another ten royal ships will cruise over the horizon and send the pirate's ship to the Locker.

One morning, the Crimson Nightmare sees a single, lone ship through the fog. He smells treasure, so calls for his ship, full sail towards the target.

"First mate!"
"Yes, Captain!"
"Bring me my battle coat!"

For this was the blood-red shirt that earned him his name. Some supposed the shirt was blessed - or cursed, that bullets passed straight through whoever wore it, but caused evil bloodlust in the wearer.

During the battle, the pirate captain was mid-yell when he let out a grunt, then quietly retreated to his quarters. His first mate, worried, followed him. He opened the door to find the captain performing crude bullet removal on himself. The first mate was surprised! His captain was not invincible!

The captain looks up, acknowledges the mate's surprise, and says "Aye, it be the red shirt. It hides me bleedin' so my crew's morale stays high."

The first mate then says "I understand. However, ten more Navy ships have been spotted on the horizon!"

"Well, lad. Bring me me brown pants, will you?"

And to this day, nobody has seen the Crimson Horror bleed or defecate.
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I challenge you to a game of 'Hide the Sausage', to the death.

Fniff

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2090 on: April 09, 2015, 12:18:47 pm »

Coming to theatres near you...
A four hour epic...
Bring Me My Brown Pants
Get Reddy

acetech09

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2091 on: April 09, 2015, 12:43:21 pm »

That joke escalation felt like a reverse Four Yorkshiremen sketch.
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Tack

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2092 on: April 09, 2015, 01:52:18 pm »

Heh. April reminds me of the factory job I used to have way back when.
So we did egg-packing- basically taking the dozen-box egg boxes and packing them into larger boxes for shipping. Such an interesting job.
On these large boxes, we had a big printing machine that would put the current date and our regional code. Let's call it something like: "04:05:2010 SHEP4186"
So on April Fools, the first of april, some of us linesmen (behind the manager's back of course) got together and decided to change it to "HE:LP:IMST UCKINTHE"
For the first half of the day.
I'm almost certain that nobody ever saw it- it wasn't one of the things that anyone ever really looks at, but it still makes me chuckle every time I think of it.


I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

Went back and saw this one.
Laughed too hard.
« Last Edit: April 09, 2015, 01:58:42 pm by Tack »
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Quartz_Mace

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2093 on: April 09, 2015, 03:27:26 pm »

Where did Lucy go when the bombing happened?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Okay, so there's this broken pencil...
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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bahihs

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2094 on: April 09, 2015, 04:06:44 pm »

Still not even really the full joke.

"So, a captain of a ship is sitting there as his ship sails along. His first mate runs up to him. 'Sir, an enemy ship is on the horizon!'

'Bring me my red coat.'

So, the first mate brings him his red coat, and they win the battle without a single casualty. Afterwards, his first mate asks, 'Sir, when the battle began, why did you ask me to bring you a red coat?'

'Well, by wearing a red coat, if I were to be shot, the crew would not see the blood, and keep fighting.'

A whiles later, the first mate runs in again: 'Captain, 20 enemy ships on the horizon!'

'Bring my my brown pants.'"

This is what really happened:

In the year 1716, the northern seas were assailed by a new, legendary pirate. The "Crimson Nightmare", he was called. Scourge of the seas. There were rumors about him, from the few survivors the Nightmare spared. They said that the Nighmare was nigh invulnerable. Swords and rifles didn't harm him. He did not bleed and he did not flinch.

Admiral Charleston of the Royal Navy was appointed to track down and kill the man responsible for the sinking of ever-so-many trade vessels. He set out with eleven frigates. Charleston's ship sailed forward, alone, hoping to bait his nemesis into a battle, and during the engagement, another ten royal ships will cruise over the horizon and send the pirate's ship to the Locker.

One morning, the Crimson Nightmare sees a single, lone ship through the fog. He smells treasure, so calls for his ship, full sail towards the target.

"First mate!"
"Yes, Captain!"
"Bring me my battle coat!"

For this was the blood-red shirt that earned him his name. Some supposed the shirt was blessed - or cursed, that bullets passed straight through whoever wore it, but caused evil bloodlust in the wearer.

During the battle, the pirate captain was mid-yell when he let out a grunt, then quietly retreated to his quarters. His first mate, worried, followed him. He opened the door to find the captain performing crude bullet removal on himself. The first mate was surprised! His captain was not invincible!

The captain looks up, acknowledges the mate's surprise, and says "Aye, it be the red shirt. It hides me bleedin' so my crew's morale stays high."

The first mate then says "I understand. However, ten more Navy ships have been spotted on the horizon!"

"Well, lad. Bring me me brown pants, will you?"

And to this day, nobody has seen the Crimson Horror bleed or defecate.

In a time before time, some captain shit his pants.
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Bumber

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2095 on: April 09, 2015, 04:57:08 pm »

In a time before time, some captain shit his pants.
I heard somebody shit their pants.

It was inevitable.
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A wizard has turned you into a wagon. This was inevitable (Y/y)?

Insanegame27

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2096 on: April 09, 2015, 05:18:46 pm »

In a time before time, some captain shit his pants.
I heard somebody shit their pants.

It was inevitable.


It it terrifying
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Power/metagaming RL since Birth/Born to do it.
Quote from: Second Amendment
A militia cannot function properly without arms, therefore the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
The military cannot function without tanks and warplanes, therefore the right of the people to keep and bear tanks and warplanes, shall not be infringed.
The military cannot function without ICBMs, therefore the right of the people to keep and bear ICBMs, shall not be infringed.

Sergius

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2097 on: April 09, 2015, 10:20:39 pm »

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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origamiscienceguy

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2098 on: April 09, 2015, 11:43:36 pm »

how many band directors does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
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Insanegame27

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Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #2099 on: April 10, 2015, 03:21:32 am »




« Last Edit: April 10, 2015, 03:27:34 am by Insanegame27 »
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Power/metagaming RL since Birth/Born to do it.
Quote from: Second Amendment
A militia cannot function properly without arms, therefore the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
The military cannot function without tanks and warplanes, therefore the right of the people to keep and bear tanks and warplanes, shall not be infringed.
The military cannot function without ICBMs, therefore the right of the people to keep and bear ICBMs, shall not be infringed.
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