I'm sorry to any and all lawyers here, but I found a gold mine of evil lawyer jokes.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head
What happens to a lawyer if he takes a Viagra?
A man goes to the doctor and is told that he will die soon. The man on his deathbed asks for his lawyer to be present. When the lawyer arrives he asks his client what legal advice he may need, the man replies that he doesn't need that. When asked why he is here by his side the man responds saying, "Jesus died with a thief by his side, I just wanted to go out the same way."
How do you know a lawyer is about to lie?
Two lawyers are in a cafe, and they take out sandwiches that they packed at home and begin eating. A waiter comes by and says "I'm sorry sirs, but you can't eat food you brought here yourself." The lawyers look at him, think for a second, then exchange their sandwiches and continue eating.
A man picks up a hitchhiking priest on the highway. Soon after he sees a hitchhiking lawyer on the side of the road. He aims his car towards the lawyer with the intent to run him over, but remembers he has a priest in the car with him and swerves at the last second. He feigns innocence and says to the priest "Oh my God! That was close! I almost ran over that lawyer!", to which the priest replies "That's okay son. I got him with my door."
Did you hear about the terrorist who kidnapped a dozen lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour unless his demands were met.
What's the difference between a dead skunk at the side of the road and a dead lawyer at the side of the road?
Skid marks in front of the skunk.
Alright I'm done now.
You want more?
Fine, one more.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
The prostitute stops ***ing you when you're dead.