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[Comrade P.]

I cannot remember if I heard this joke over here or someone else, I bring it up anyway:

So Obama and Putin are flying in a plane, from one Moscow to Washington, for example. There are Obama's bodyguards and Putin's bodyguards on board as well. So they decide to test their devotion. By leap of faith, of course.
When Obama's bodyguard is ordered to jump, he starts protesting with something like "I have a wife, I have children". He is understood and fired.
When Putin's bodyguard is asked to jump, he immediately rushes to the emergency exit and is about to open it when stopped.
"But why do you do that? Don't you have a wife? Children? Have you thought what would happen to them if you jumped?", Obama asks.
"Actually I just though what would happen to them if I wouldn't jump", the grim-looking bodyguard answers.

Never liked this joke.

Also, shortest English joke about Irish folks:
Once an Irishman was passing along the pub.

[pisskop]

How do you beat the Italians at the World Cup? 

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Bite them.  >:[

[Helgoland]

Am I too late for World Cup jokes?

-The Americans are very aerodynamic - whenever they fall down, they fly for a bit so everybody has enough time to see it.
-If we attach a turbine to Jogi Löw's forehead, it could supply a town of 20.000 people with electricity!
-Why even bother with the first 45 minutes? Cut the game in half and let Klose play from the beginning - goal-wise it won't make a difference.

And sorry P., that joke is hilarious and I'll have to tell it to my acquaintances

[Dutchling]

Don't bother sending your children's toys to Africa.

Can you imagine how depressing it must be for those kids to receive a Tamagotchi that's going to outlive them?

[tahujdt]

So a wizard walks into a gay bar.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

He disappears with a poof.

[Tawa]

Alright, so, there's a doctor, and he's hard of hearing. He gets his degree at med school and becomes a certified doctor. He takes his Hippocratic Oath, and he starts his first day.

A nurse runs up to him and says, "Doctor, help! There's a patient dying of blood loss! I need you to stop his heart from bleeding out!" The doctor grimly nods and runs into the room.

Another nurse, unaware that the hard-of-hearing doctor has gone in to save the patient, sends in another doctor. He runs into the room and discovers the hard-of-hearing doc stabbing the patient in the chest with a scalpel.

"What the heck are you doing, doctor?!"

"I took a hypocritic oath, didn't I?"

[Avis-Mergulus]

You've probably heard those before, but:

I like my coffee like I like my women -

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Without a penis.

What's red and bad for your teeth?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

A brick.

What's green and has wheels?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Grass; I lied about the wheels.

[pisskop]

Misogyny powers go!



I like my women like I like my shrimp

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

battered

A woman walks into a bar

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Next time she'll stay in the kitchen

Why do they call women the 'ball and chain'?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

After I took her shoes it was the only accessory left

[Yoink]

Spoiler: This made me so happy. (click to show/hide)

[4maskwolf]

A friend once asked me if I could have any one superpower, what would if be?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I said Cold War Soviet Union

[crazysheep]

Spoiler: This made me so happy. (click to show/hide)

It didn't.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

One party didn't play along, that made me sad.

[Dutchling]

Spoiler: This made me so happy. (click to show/hide)

It didn't.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

One party didn't play along, that made me sad.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

It's fake. There are plenty of sites where you can make conversations like that.

[Comrade P.]

A friend once asked me if I could have any one superpower, what would if be?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I said Cold War Soviet Union

Gotta friggin' remember that.

[Dutchling]

What do you get when you cross a black person with an octopus?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I don't know but it sure can pick cotton.

What did the Jewish child molester say to the boy?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Hey kid, you wanna buy some candy?

[hops]

Why are male politicians all homosexual?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Because they can only man date.