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[Jimmy]

Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

A: Breathe! Breathe!

Q: What did the grape say when he got stepped on?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

A: He let out a little wine.

Q: What's small, round and purple and conquered half the world?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

A: Alexander the Grape.

Q: If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

A: Sushi.

Q: Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

A: Because he ran out of juice.

Q: Why'd Mrs Grape leave her family?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

A: She was tired of raisin kids.

A crying woman runs into the police station with all her clothes ripped and her hair everywhere, and says "Officer, I've just been graped!"
The policeman says "Dont you mean raped, miss?"
The woman says, "No I mean graped, there was a bunch of them."

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

A guy walks into the doctor's office, a banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a grape stuck in one nostril.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

[Reelya]

Your jokes are so grape they're in-sultana-ing my intelligence.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Yt0b_QBP_A

[Sergius]

Those jokes are bordeauxing ridiculous.

[Helgoland]

As they say in the mob, you can't make an omelette without breaking a few legs.

[Knit tie]

What do you need to do to always be highly energetic, positive and literally unstoppable?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Become a proton.

[Guardian G.I.]

Originally, the Soviet GAZ-M-20 cars were to be named Rodina (Motherland). The name was changed to Pobeda (Victory) after the prototype car was presented to Joseph Stalin. Reportedly, he asked the factory administration after hearing the car's name:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"...well, and how much does the Motherland cost?"

[Helgoland]

The Soviet Union wanted erect a monument to its greatest poet, Pushkin. From all over the Union, artists sent in their suggestions. The top three were:
3) Pushkin, writing at his desk.
2) Pushkin, gazing up at the stars.
1) Stalin, reading a book by Pushkin.

[Comrade P.]

Russian winter always was a great threat to it's foes, and this year Russian Winter struck USA all by itself.

[Avis-Mergulus]

The Soviet Union wanted erect a monument to its greatest writer, Pushkin.

Excuse me, Russia. Excuse me, poet. Hard to be a Soviet writer when you're a poet born in 1799. Of course, he wrote prose, but he is primarily renowned for his poetry.
It annoys me when people make Soviet jokes and mangle them.

[Jimmy]

In Soviet Russia, joke mangle you.

[Helgoland]

The Soviet Union wanted erect a monument to its greatest writer, Pushkin.

Excuse me, Russia. Excuse me, poet. Hard to be a Soviet writer when you're a poet born in 1799. Of course, he wrote prose, but he is primarily renowned for his poetry.
It annoys me when people make Soviet jokes and mangle them.

I changed the poet bit (I actually thought about whether to call him a writer or a poet, I didn't know what he wrote - I need to brush up on my Russian classics), but I'm pretty sure the SU would've claimed him as 'theirs'.

[Descan]

It's not about what he is but what the Union can say he is. The more legitimacy the better, and "Same territory and culture" can be pretty legitimate.

[Avis-Mergulus]

The Soviet Union wanted erect a monument to its greatest writer, Pushkin.

Excuse me, Russia. Excuse me, poet. Hard to be a Soviet writer when you're a poet born in 1799. Of course, he wrote prose, but he is primarily renowned for his poetry.
It annoys me when people make Soviet jokes and mangle them.

I changed the poet bit (I actually thought about whether to call him a writer or a poet, I didn't know what he wrote - I need to brush up on my Russian classics), but I'm pretty sure the SU would've claimed him as 'theirs'.

Well, in fact, nope. The definition of "Soviet" is "pertaining to the Soviet Union". A Soviet functionary might have said that Pushkin was "a critical figure in the literature of the czarist times and dear to the soul of every Soviet citizen" or that "every Soviet citizen should know Pushkin" but not "Pushkin was a Soviet poet". That's ridiculous. The distinction is quite important.

[Helgoland]

The Soviet Union wanted erect a monument to its greatest writer, Pushkin.

Excuse me, Russia. Excuse me, poet. Hard to be a Soviet writer when you're a poet born in 1799. Of course, he wrote prose, but he is primarily renowned for his poetry.
It annoys me when people make Soviet jokes and mangle them.

I changed the poet bit (I actually thought about whether to call him a writer or a poet, I didn't know what he wrote - I need to brush up on my Russian classics), but I'm pretty sure the SU would've claimed him as 'theirs'.

Well, in fact, nope. The definition of "Soviet" is "pertaining to the Soviet Union". A Soviet functionary might have said that Pushkin was "a critical figure in the literature of the czarist times and dear to the soul of every Soviet citizen" or that "every Soviet citizen should know Pushkin" but not "Pushkin was a Soviet poet". That's ridiculous. The distinction is quite important.

Okay, of course they wouldn't say "Pushkin was a Soviet poet", but that's different from the claim "He's our poet".

It might be less controversial to use an actual Soviet writer/poet/musician/whatever, though.

[Avis-Mergulus]

The Soviet Union wanted erect a monument to its greatest writer, Pushkin.

Excuse me, Russia. Excuse me, poet. Hard to be a Soviet writer when you're a poet born in 1799. Of course, he wrote prose, but he is primarily renowned for his poetry.
It annoys me when people make Soviet jokes and mangle them.

I changed the poet bit (I actually thought about whether to call him a writer or a poet, I didn't know what he wrote - I need to brush up on my Russian classics), but I'm pretty sure the SU would've claimed him as 'theirs'.

Well, in fact, nope. The definition of "Soviet" is "pertaining to the Soviet Union". A Soviet functionary might have said that Pushkin was "a critical figure in the literature of the czarist times and dear to the soul of every Soviet citizen" or that "every Soviet citizen should know Pushkin" but not "Pushkin was a Soviet poet". That's ridiculous. The distinction is quite important.

Okay, of course they wouldn't say "Pushkin was a Soviet poet", but that's different from the claim "He's our poet".

It might be less controversial to use an actual Soviet writer/poet/musician/whatever, though.

Why, a citizen of contemporary Russia can say "Pushkin is our poet", and while I dislike such grandiose statements, I would understand this to mean "Pushkin is important to a contemporary Russian's understanding of poetry" not "Pushkin is a citizen of the Russian Federation", see what I mean? There is a difference.
You might try using Maiakovsky or Simonov, those are actual Soviet poets to whom a number of monuments was built. Of course, Maiakovsky was born in the Russian Empire, but...

For me, accepting or rejecting the revolution was no question. My revolution.