Bay 12 Games Forum

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  
Pages: 1 ... 21 22 [23] 24 25 ... 316

Author Topic: Terrible Jokes  (Read 712586 times)

GreatJustice

  • Bay Watcher
  • ☭The adventure continues (refresh)☭
    • View Profile
Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #330 on: January 30, 2014, 09:01:41 am »


Also:

A cowboy rides into town, his face chapped and raw from the wind. He dismounts at the saloon, walks his horse up, and to the astonishment of the men on the porch he jams his finger in the horse's ass, swirls it around, and wipes it on his lips. A man on the porch asks, "Is that some kinda cure for chapped lips?" The cowboy answers, "No, but it sure keeps me from lickin' 'em."

And then:

A young gunslinger is in the saloon getting shooting advice from the sheriff. The sheriff says, "Cut a notch in yer holster, son." and the kid asks "Will that make me draw faster?" to which the man nods. The kid pulls out a knife and cuts the notch, and sure enough when he draws and shoots the drink off the piano it's faster than ever. The piano man stops and the bar quiets, but when they realize it's over everything goes back to normal.

The youngster begs for more hot gunslinging tips. So the sheriff says, "Hang her gun belt just this way." and the kid asks excitedly, "Will that make me draw faster?" and the old man nods. The kid adjusts his belt, stands ready, and draws and shoots the tip jar off the piano.

The kid is real excited at this point. He asks if the sheriff can give him any more advice. The sheriff says, "Yeah, take some grease and cover the whole gun with it." The kid asks dubiously whether that'll help him draw faster. The sheriff replies, "No, but it'll sure make it easier on you when Wyatt Earp over at the piano shoves it up yer ass!"

An old cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. As he's drinking, a woman sits down beside him. She asks the cowboy, "Are you a real cowboy?" He answers, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, mending fences, herding horses and branding cattle, so I guess I am." She says, "I'm a lesbian. I spend all day thinking about women. When I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I'm at work, I think about women. When I'm in the shower, I think about women."

Later, a tourist walks into the bar and, spotting the cowboy, rushes to him excitedly. "Are you a real cowboy?" he asks.

"Well, I thought I was a real cowboy," says the cowboy, "but it turns out I'm a lesbian."
Logged
The person supporting regenerating health, when asked why you can see when shot in the eye justified it as 'you put on an eyepatch'. When asked what happens when you are then shot in the other eye, he said that you put an eyepatch on that eye. When asked how you'd be able to see, he said that your first eye would have healed by then.

Professional Bridge Toll Collector?

TheBeardyMan

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #331 on: January 31, 2014, 01:40:57 am »

Did you hear about the crocodile with false teeth?

The birds refused to clean them on the grounds that it was in-denture servitude.
Logged

scrdest

  • Bay Watcher
  • Girlcat?/o_ o
    • View Profile
Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #332 on: January 31, 2014, 03:57:11 am »

Did you hear about the crocodile with false teeth?

The birds refused to clean them on the grounds that it was in-denture servitude.

Kill me. End the pain.
Logged
We are doomed. It's just that whatever is going to kill us all just happens to be, from a scientific standpoint, pretty frickin' awesome.

LeoLeonardoIII

  • Bay Watcher
  • Plump Helmet McWhiskey
    • View Profile
Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #333 on: January 31, 2014, 02:43:26 pm »

Sun Tzu recommended that you try to do battle when you are strongest, on Saturday or Sunday, because all the other days are weakdays.
Logged
The Expedition Map
Basement Stuck
Treebanned
Haunter of Birthday Cakes, Bearded Hamburger, Intensely Off-Topic

Avis-Mergulus

  • Bay Watcher
  • This adorable animal can't work.
    • View Profile
Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #334 on: January 31, 2014, 03:03:03 pm »

Sun Tzu recommended that you try to do battle when you are strongest, on Saturday or Sunday, because all the other days are weakdays.
So true.
Logged
“See this Payam!” cried the gods, “He deceives us! He cruelly abuses our lustful hearts!”

Tellemurius

  • Bay Watcher
  • Positively insane Tech Thaumaturgist
    • View Profile
Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #335 on: January 31, 2014, 03:24:17 pm »

What do get with two sharks wearing tophats?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

LeoLeonardoIII

  • Bay Watcher
  • Plump Helmet McWhiskey
    • View Profile
Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #336 on: January 31, 2014, 05:47:07 pm »

Two priests in the Spanish Inquisition were talking about their database problems - mostly issues with conversion.
Logged
The Expedition Map
Basement Stuck
Treebanned
Haunter of Birthday Cakes, Bearded Hamburger, Intensely Off-Topic

Chaoswizkid

  • Bay Watcher
  • Bring on the Chaos
    • View Profile
    • Realms of Kar'Kaish New Site
Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #337 on: January 31, 2014, 08:32:12 pm »

Don't know if it's been put in the rest of this thread or not, but whatever. Also, dead babies. I know this as the most tasteless joke I've ever heard, and not in a punny way. It's also completely about the delivery, which means it should be even more terrible on this forum. Also NSFW. You've been warned.


Do you know what sound a baby makes in a microwave?

No?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
« Last Edit: January 31, 2014, 08:34:15 pm by Chaoswizkid »
Logged
Administrator of the Realms of Kar'Kaish Project.

Slayerhero90

  • Bay Watcher
  • Time for Taako's opinion.
    • View Profile
Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #338 on: January 31, 2014, 10:43:36 pm »

Don't know if it's been put in the rest of this thread or not, but whatever. Also, dead babies. I know this as the most tasteless joke I've ever heard, and not in a punny way. It's also completely about the delivery, which means it should be even more terrible on this forum. Also NSFW. You've been warned.


Do you know what sound a baby makes in a microwave?

No?
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Heard a variant of that in Draw and Paint Class today from a friend. It was phrased "How long do you put a dead baby in the microwave?"

I was supposed to ask how long, but I ended up telling him that 10 minutes might be it.
Logged
My tumblr.
Yeah no I don't haunt here anymore. Peace

Steelmagic

  • Bay Watcher
  • Insanity makes everything fun!
    • View Profile
Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #339 on: February 01, 2014, 01:09:28 am »

"Ask me if I'm a tree".

"Are you a tree"?

"No".
Logged
When i say "I'm no expert but..." It means "I have no idea what the hell I'm talking about but I'm going to try to sound like i do."

Remalle

  • Bay Watcher
  • they/them
    • View Profile
Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #340 on: February 01, 2014, 02:45:19 am »

Two priests in the Spanish Inquisition were talking about their database problems - mostly issues with conversion.
I wasn't expecting that punchline.
Logged

Osmosis Jones

  • Bay Watcher
  • Now with 100% more rotation!
    • View Profile
Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #341 on: February 01, 2014, 04:07:33 am »

Two priests in the Spanish Inquisition were talking about their database problems - mostly issues with conversion.
I wasn't expecting that punchline.

No one expects the Spanish Database Complication!
Logged
The Marx generator will produce Engels-waves which should allow the inherently unstable isotope of Leninium to undergo a rapid Stalinisation in mere trockoseconds.

kaijyuu

  • Bay Watcher
  • Hrm...
    • View Profile
Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #342 on: February 02, 2014, 07:02:33 pm »

How does a computer scientist prepare for a date?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Logged
Quote from: Chesterton
For, in order that men should resist injustice, something more is necessary than that they should think injustice unpleasant. They must think injustice absurd; above all, they must think it startling. They must retain the violence of a virgin astonishment. When the pessimist looks at any infamy, it is to him, after all, only a repetition of the infamy of existence. But the optimist sees injustice as something discordant and unexpected, and it stings him into action.

Remuthra

  • Bay Watcher
  • I live once more...
    • View Profile
Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #343 on: February 02, 2014, 07:06:06 pm »

"Hey, do you want to hear a joke about Sodium?"

"Na."

Korbac

  • Bay Watcher
  • I'm very annoying, so tell me to STFU if need be
    • View Profile
Re: Terrible Jokes
« Reply #344 on: February 02, 2014, 07:15:39 pm »

"Hey, do you want to hear a joke about Sodium?"

"Na."

HeHe. :)
Logged
Pages: 1 ... 21 22 [23] 24 25 ... 316