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[scrdest]

How many Epicureans does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

None-they're too busy taking advantage of the darkness!

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."

These are copypasta - there's some great philosophy jokes (proofs for p!) here.

Oh god, I followed the link and found the Uxbridge Dictionary of Philosophy. I'll need to wash my clothes, but at least my floor is now completely lint-free from all the rolling on it it endured.


E: 'lacanthropy, n. The transformation, under the influence of the full moon, of a dubious psychological theory into a dubious social theory via a dubious linguistic theory.' <3

[Caz]

A thousand babies drowned in corn.

Corny, wasn't it?


/dadjokes

[GreatJustice]

Hmm, I need to pitch in a few. Might have them off a bit, since I'm going mostly from memory.

---

A mathematician, an engineer, and a statistician are asked to find the length of the hypotenuse if the other side lengths are 3 and 4 metres long.

The mathematician pauses for a second and says, "Why, that's a Pythagorean triple! The hypotenuse is five metres long."

The engineer pulls out a book listing triangle side lengths and leafs through it with precision. Unfortunately, the relevant page is stained with coffee and is illegible. After several minutes of thought, the engineer declares that the question is impossible and walks out.

The statistician checks to see that the door is closed, leans forward, and asks "Well, what do you want the answer to be?"

---

A salesman's car breaks down in the middle of a harsh storm. Fortunately, he spots a farmer's house not far away. When he arrives, the farmer says, "Fortunately for you, my three beautiful daughters are away at college, so you can sleep in their room for the night."

Without a word, the salesman turns around and begins walking back to his broken car. "But why are you leaving?" asks the farmer, "I have a room for you!"

The salesman turns around and says "I think I'm in the wrong joke."

---

Two tellers are working at a bank when robbers break in and tell people to give them their wallets.

The first teller passes the other $50. "What's this?" asks the second teller.

"It's the fifty bucks I owe you."

---

A man's father accurately predicts, to the nearest hour, the time and place of his death. How is this possible?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

The judge told him.

[Remuthra]

During the Age of Exploration, a Catholic missionary was traveling with a group of conquistadors in South America. Their party was ambushed and captured by Aztecs, who took them back to their temple to sacrifice to their sun god. The Catholic looks up at the Aztec priest sacrificing his companions, and exclaims, "You Dayist!"

[Yannanth]

.

[Remuthra]

Why did the Liberal Crime Squad hate the treehugging environmentalists? They were too conservative.

[Avis-Mergulus]

So you see, five potheads are driving around in a car at night, and they're approaching a Road Police control point. One pothead is all like, "Gaaaaize, let's one of us lie on the floor, or the cop will notice there's five of us in a four-seater and stop us, and then he'll see we're stoned..."
So a cop is on watch one dark and cold night, and he sees a car drive by. There's nobody in the car.

[scrdest]

Why did the Liberal Crime Squad hate the treehugging environmentalists? They were too conservative.

That's not a joke, that's an accurate depiction of LCS.

[scrdest]

Why did the Liberal Crime Squad hate the treehugging environmentalists? They were too conservative.

That's not a joke, that's an accurate depiction of LCS.

Come to think of it, LCS is, in itself, a terrible joke.

In retrospect, I should have responded with 'This *is* disturbing. What can I do'

[Remuthra]

Why did the Liberal Crime Squad hate the treehugging environmentalists? They were too conservative.

That's not a joke, that's an accurate depiction of LCS.

Come to think of it, LCS is, in itself, a terrible joke.

In retrospect, I should have responded with 'This *is* disturbing. What can I do'

Golly, is there any way to help?

[LeoLeonardoIII]

Spoiler: Why do cowgirls walk bow-legged? (click to show/hide)

Because cowboys eat with their hats on.

Also:

A cowboy rides into town, his face chapped and raw from the wind. He dismounts at the saloon, walks his horse up, and to the astonishment of the men on the porch he jams his finger in the horse's ass, swirls it around, and wipes it on his lips. A man on the porch asks, "Is that some kinda cure for chapped lips?" The cowboy answers, "No, but it sure keeps me from lickin' 'em."

And then:

A young gunslinger is in the saloon getting shooting advice from the sheriff. The sheriff says, "Cut a notch in yer holster, son." and the kid asks "Will that make me draw faster?" to which the man nods. The kid pulls out a knife and cuts the notch, and sure enough when he draws and shoots the drink off the piano it's faster than ever. The piano man stops and the bar quiets, but when they realize it's over everything goes back to normal.

The youngster begs for more hot gunslinging tips. So the sheriff says, "Hang her gun belt just this way." and the kid asks excitedly, "Will that make me draw faster?" and the old man nods. The kid adjusts his belt, stands ready, and draws and shoots the tip jar off the piano.

The kid is real excited at this point. He asks if the sheriff can give him any more advice. The sheriff says, "Yeah, take some grease and cover the whole gun with it." The kid asks dubiously whether that'll help him draw faster. The sheriff replies, "No, but it'll sure make it easier on you when Wyatt Earp over at the piano shoves it up yer ass!"

[pisskop]

damn if your bladder gets fucked up urine big trouble.

[Dutchling]

[TheBeardyMan]

Q: What did one tile say when the other tile offered him a glass of port?

A: No thanks, it's bad for my grout.

[Yoink]

After a few dates, Ivan got down on one knee and proposed to his American girlfriend.
She said, "Now, let's not go russian into things..."