Lots of Englishman/Irishman/Scotsman jokes here.
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar, and each order a pint of beer. They examine their pints, and each notice that they have a fly floating at the top of them.
The Englishman is shocked. He immediately pushes his glass away from him, steps up and walks out of the bar, looking somewhat queasy and muttering quietly under his breath various comments about the quality of the bar, none of them complementary.
The Irishman sees the Englishman walk away, rolls his eyes and sighs. He reaches into his drink, plucks the fly out, and tosses it away before carrying on to drink the rest of it. When he catches the bartender's eye, he gives a slight look of disapproval, but says nothing.
The Scotsman is even more aghast than the Englishman. Insead of recoiling from the glass, he leans closer, his eyes just a couple inches from the surface of the beer. He reaches down towards the fly, and picks it up, pinching it between thumb and forefinger. Breathing heavily, he says 'Alright, you wee beastie. Spit it out! Now!'
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A man walks into a very expensive restaurant and asks for a bowl of soup. After a short delay, a bowl of steaming hot tomato soup is brought out. The man is eager to tuck in, but he notices that there is a very large fly floating at the top of the soup. He immediately flags down the waiter, and informs him angrily that there is a fly in his soup. The waiter looks shocked, and whispers desperately 'Keep it down, or everbody else will want one!'
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There once was scotsman called Johnny. Johnny lost his job, and he was deeply in debt. He couldn't find another job, and borrowed as much as he could, but it was still not enough. So desperate, he turns to religion to help him. He gets down on his knees as calls out "Oh dear lord Jesus, please help me. I've lost my job, and I need money. The only was I can keep my house is if I win the lottery this week".
However, a week later, Johnny finds himself in church again, praying. "Oh dear lord jesus, They've taken my house. Please help me win the lottery, or they'll take my car too".
Another week comes and goes, and Johnny is once again praying. "Oh dear lord jesus, I've lost my house and my car. If I can't win the lottery this week, my wife is going to leave me and take the kids with her. Please don't tear my family apart".
However, the lottery comes and goes, and Johnny is yet again not the winner. Full of grief, he stars praying one last time. "Oh dear lord Jesus, I've lost my house, my car and my family. How could you let this happen?", and suddenly the skies open and a ray of bright light shines down upon Johnny. He hears choirs of angels singing, and the deep, resounding voice of Jesus in his ears. "Johnny, meet me halfway on this one. Buy a damned ticket!"
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An Englishman named Harry once had a lucrative job in the city of London, as an investment banker. He made himself quite a fortune, and decided to pack up and move to a small town in Ireland. He found a nice little town, with a nice little cottage in it that he could happily live in. He packed up all his belongings, and moved in. As he was unpacking, he heard a knocking on his new door. He want to answer it, and was greeted by one of the village locals, called Paddy. Paddy greeted him warmly, telling him all about the history of the village, and the local shops, before finally mentioning that around this time of year, he likes to throw a party, and invites Harry along. Harry seems eager, but Paddy gives him a warning first.
"You know, there'll be some pretty heaving drinking going on. Hell, I had to move my car out of the garage to make room for all the beer."
"That's fine, I've done my fair share of drinking, and I can handle a pint or two."
"Also, there's likely to be some pretty brutal fighting. Last time I threw this party, all my furniture was reduced to splinters."
"Don't worry about me, I'll be able to handle a little fisticuffs."
"Lovely. Also, just so you have a heads-up, there's usually quite a bit of sex at these dos. Nasty, weird sex at that."
"Well, don't worry, if some of the people there start getting a bit frisky, I'll give them some privacy."
"That's great! It's happening at my place on Saturday."
"What time should I arrive?"
"Anytime you want, it'll just be the two of us."
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There was once an englishman and a scotsman who lived next door to each other. The scotsman owned a chicked, who laid eggs that he liked to eat. One morning, the scotsman awoke to find that his chicked had laid his egg in the englishman's garden. The scotsman knocked on his door, and demanded the egg back. The Englishman argued that since it was in his garden, it belonged to him. The scotsman proposed a method for determining its ownership that dated back to his old village. The englishman and the scotsman would kick each other in the testicles, and the one who took shortest to recover would get the egg.
So the scotsman donned his biggest, heaviest pair of boots. He got a good long run up, and hammered his boot into the Englishman's genitals as hard as he could. The englishman was knocked back, and fell on the floor in a quivering heap. He vomited, and started coughing up blood for a few minutes. He managed to get to a kneeling position, but soon fell over again. It was his third attempt that he finally got from kneeling to squatting, and with a herculanean effort, he managed to get back into the standing position, a good twenty minutes after he was first kicked. He eventually managed to splutter out "Now stand over there, I'll get my boots on and kick you", to which the scotsman simply replied "Keep the damn egg".
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There was once a condom company that decided they would quiz their customers to better provide them with condoms. They went up to a scotsman, and asked them how many condoms to put in a packet. The scotsman replied 'seven'. When pressed for why, he responded 'One for each day of the week". They then asked an irishman, who responded 'nine'. When they asked why, he responded 'one for each day of the week, with double for the weekend". Finally, they asked an englishman, who replied 'twelve'. When asked why, he said 'January, February, March,...'
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Topic: Terrible Jokes (Read 715679 times)