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[hops]

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed".

The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong".

The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

[Gentlefish]

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.

The physicist said "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed".

The engineer said "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong".

The programmer said "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"

Ayyy that programmer's got it right

[Bohandas]

An English sailor once heard that deep in the Chinese mountainside, there is a Chao who understands the meaning of life, and it isn't God. Enraged by this, he set sail there and climbed up the mountain to find a flock of Chaoes. Asking a nearby chinese man where the enlightened one is, he pointed to the robed Chao, chewing on the grass.

"So! We meet at last, imposter. If you truly are enlightened, tell me, what is the meaning of life?"

Master Chao looked up at him calmly, and answered. "Mu."

And then nobody was enlightened, because they don't speak Chinese.

A man seeking enlightenment was instructed by a guru to meditate for a week in a particular room in a crumbling partially destroyed  abandoned  mansion at th1e edge of town. On the second night the ancient piping of the lavatory on the level directly above him burst, spilling wastewater down omto him, and for the rest of the week the passers-by looking into the mansion through its missing walls argued over weather he was a holy man or a shithead

[Avis-Mergulus]

I dunno if those count as "jokes", but here are some quotes from the late prime minister of Russia, Chernomyrdin.

We wanted to make it better, but it turned out like always.

We completed all the points of the plan, from A to B.

We must save face. Then we will have to save our other bits.

All my life I have lived in an athmosphere of oil and gas.

Better than vodka there is nothing worse.

The government is not that organ which, as it is said, it's only possible to do with your tongue.

You shouldn't rig a cart in the middle of the horse.

Teachers and doctors want to eat too. Nearly every day!

I can speak to anybody in any language, but I try not to use this instrument.

I will refrain from speaking a lot, lest I say something again.

[Helgoland]

We must save face. Then we will have to save our other bits.

Loved this one.

[Bohandas]

I dunno if those count as "jokes", but here are some quotes from the late prime minister of Russia, Chernomyrdin.

We wanted to make it better, but it turned out like always.

We completed all the points of the plan, from A to B.

We must save face. Then we will have to save our other bits.

All my life I have lived in an athmosphere of oil and gas.

Better than vodka there is nothing worse.

The government is not that organ which, as it is said, it's only possible to do with your tongue.

You shouldn't rig a cart in the middle of the horse.

Teachers and doctors want to eat too. Nearly every day!

I can speak to anybody in any language, but I try not to use this instrument.

I will refrain from speaking a lot, lest I say something again.

Those sound a lot like the kind of things George W. Bush was infamous for saying:

"I know how hard it is to put food on your family"

"Fool me once: shame on you. Fool me twice: can't get fooled again"

"Rarely is the question asked: 'Is our children learning?'"

"Oour enemies are innovative and resourceful and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and neither do we"

[Avis-Mergulus]

The difference was that Chernomyrdin's sayings were more often than not right in his own weird kind of way, and he seemed self-aware ("I won't talk too much, lest I say something again"). Still, here's some more Bushisms. I reverse-translate those from Russian, so they might not be correct, but heck.

Condoleeza Rice is a simple Texan girl, like me.

I believe that humans and fish...can coexist peacefully.

NASA is still interested in space.

I wish to retain the executive power of the President not only for me, but also for my future predecessors.

The time has come when the human race must enter the solar system.

Your Majesty - Queen Elizabeth the Eleventh.

Yo, Blair.

Yeah, Africa is a nation!

In the ast few months I've been learning from Al-Quaeda!

I'm telling you there's an enemy that would like to attack America, Americans, again. There just is. That's the reality of the world. And I wish him all the very best.

[Orange Wizard]

I believe that humans and fish...can coexist peacefully.

His grammar's worse than that.

Speaking of terrible jokes, the US government.

[Morrigi]

The difference was that Chernomyrdin's sayings were more often than not right in his own weird kind of way, and he seemed self-aware ("I won't talk too much, lest I say something again"). Still, here's some more Bushisms. I reverse-translate those from Russian, so they might not be correct, but heck.

Condoleeza Rice is a simple Texan girl, like me.

I believe that humans and fish...can coexist peacefully.

NASA is still interested in space.

I wish to retain the executive power of the President not only for me, but also for my future predecessors.

The time has come when the human race must enter the solar system.

Your Majesty - Queen Elizabeth the Eleventh.

Yo, Blair.

Yeah, Africa is a nation!

In the ast few months I've been learning from Al-Quaeda!

I'm telling you there's an enemy that would like to attack America, Americans, again. There just is. That's the reality of the world. And I wish him all the very best.

Jesus Christ, is Bush the only language Google Translate can translate without butchering?

[inteuniso]

It's hard to butcher sausage.

[SalmonGod]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

It's over Ein thousand!

(can't take credit for the joke... it's from a Facebook friend)

[Bohandas]

Here's one that's both insensitive and extremely dated

Q.) How do you pick up Branch-Davidian women?
A.) With a dustbuster.

[scrdest]

Here's one that's both insensitive and extremely dated

Q.) How do you pick up Branch-Davidian women?
A.) With a dustbuster.

Ugh, god, I feel horrible for laughing.

[Redzephyr01]

What would an anime about Cthulhu piloting a giant robot be called?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Gurren Fthagn

[Mr. Strange]

An English sailor once heard that deep in the Chinese mountainside, there is a Chao who understands the meaning of life, and it isn't God. Enraged by this, he set sail there and climbed up the mountain to find a flock of Chaoes. Asking a nearby chinese man where the enlightened one is, he pointed to the robed Chao, chewing on the grass.

"So! We meet at last, imposter. If you truly are enlightened, tell me, what is the meaning of life?"

Master Chao looked up at him calmly, and answered. "Mu."

And then nobody was enlightened, because they don't speak Chinese.

Mu