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[Dutrius]

Two pies are in an oven.

The first pie says "Phew, it's hot in here."

The second pie says "Cor blimey, a talking pie!"

[Tack]

A pair of Siberian border control officers are well acquainted with a smuggler from the area. Every day for 20 years he would ride a bicycle up to the outpost with two large bags of rice slung across the back. They would know he was hiding something, and search the bags every time, to no avail, sometimes tipping the entire bags out on the ground, but still unable to find anything contraband.
At the end of the 20 years they find him walking back across the border and, seeing him walking for once, ask why? He replies that this is his retirement. He's done with his work and is ready to settle down. Amused, the guards ask him, we never found out how you did it, even though we Knew you were hiding something! What was he smuggling all these years? He says: "Bicycles".

[Spehss _]

Two Mexicans, Julio and Pepe, are lost in the desert. They are starving and have nothing to eat, and there's no civilization for miles around. Suddenly, Pepe shouts out.

"Julio, look! There's a fruit tree in the distance!"

Sure enough, there's a tree in the distance. The two run over to it. The two can hardly believe their eyes when they see that it's not fruit hanging from the tree, but meat.

"Pepe, are you seeing what I'm seeing?"
"Yeah, man, it's bacon! It's bacon growing from a tree! Is a bacon tree! We're saved!"
"...Pepe, have you ever heard of a tree growing meat? Something seems fishy here. Maybe it's a mirage."
"Julio, don't be stupid. Does a mirage smell like bacon?"

The two realize they can smell freshly cooking pork. There's a noticeable "sizzle" sound as the hanging strips of pork are cooked by the desert heat.

"Alright, Pepe, maybe you're right. it seems real. Still, something seems odd here."
"Julio, my friend, you can stand here and starve then. I'm going to go eat some bacon."

Pepe begins walking towards the tree. Suddenly, a barrage of machine gun fire erupts from the tree. Pepe is shot and goes down. Julio runs to his friend's side.

"Pepe, Pepe, speak to me!"
"Julio, mi amigo. I'm done for. You gotta get out of here. You were right about this tree, man." Pepe points at the tree with a shaking hand. "This ain't no bacon tree...It's..."
"What is it Pepe? C'mon, Pepe, stay with me. What is it, mi amigo?"
"Is..."
Pepe coughs.
"Issa..."
Pepe coughs up blood.
"...Is a ham bush, Julio. Get out of here, man."

[Orange Wizard]

That's been posted before. Pretty sure it didn't cause quite as many orphans to commit suicide last time, though.

[Spehss _]

That's been posted before. Pretty sure it didn't cause quite as many orphans to commit suicide last time, though.

Well I'm sorry I haven't read through ~150 pages of bad jokes. _{^{I thought that one hadn't been posted. Man.}}

How many children does it take to paint a fence?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Depends on how hard you throw them.

This is probably also a repost.

[Tack]

Heh. Talking with a friend about what to name a child. We're talking about boys and yelling, 'cos c'mon, boys are full of mischief.
I always wanted to name my kid something other than standard-western-christian. Like Zane.
Friend is saying 'Just go with Zan, because it flows better with your last name'.
"Screw the last name, go just the first. 'Zaaaaan'! doesn't work. 'Zaaaane!' does."
She says 'Yeah well what are you gonna do when you're really mad?'
"... Hit him."

[DJ]

Why do Java developers wear glasses?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Because they don't C#.

[Bohandas]

I found Jesus at Home Depot

[acetech09]

I found Jesus in the Home Depot parking lot.

ftfy, it wasn't terrible enough before

[Cryxis, Prince of Doom]

Little einstiens parody, terrible... Just terrible

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

We're going on a trip to a place called Auschwitz. It's shower time, little Jewstiens

[ggamer]

sex is a lot like silent hills. there’s a massive build-up of hype, it gets cancelled halfway through, hideo kojima is there

[4maskwolf]

So a drunk kid gets pulled over and says to the cop, "I swear to drunk I'm not God!"

In a similar vein...

A drunk teen gets pulled over and says to the cop, "Is there an officer, problem?"

[Tack]

hideo kojima

Made this joke.

[Bohandas]

A guy is informed he has won a lifetime supply of steaks. He is taken to a room with 2 cheap steaks on a table. Before he can complain about the quantity the door is bricked up behind him.

[scrdest]

A guy is informed he has won a lifetime supply of steaks. He is taken to a room with 2 cheap steaks on a table. Before he can complain about the quantity the door is bricked up behind him.

Ugh, he wouldn't even die before he ate the two steaks.