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[Sheb]

So, I've been reading the comically anti-communist history of the Soviet's takeover of Eastern Europe by Anna Applebaum, Sikorski's wife, and she has some polish jokes in there.

Mao and Stalin are negociating, and the Chinese leader ask his Soviet counterpart for help:
"In order to further the revolution, we need a billion dollars, 50 millions tons of coal and 50 millions tons of rice!"
So Stalin turns to his aide and say "Dollars yes, coal yes, but where will Bierut* find 50 millions tons of rice?

*The Polish communist leader

Why did Rokossovski became the Marshal of the Polish Army?
It's cheaper to dress one Russian in a Polish uniform than to dress the whole Polish army in Russian uniforms.

Two friends were walking down the street and one ask the other what he thinks of Bierut. The other look furtively around and say "Not here".
So the first take the second to a side street and ask him again his opinion of Bierut. Again, he looks around and say "Not here"
So they go to the basement of a abandonned factory, and again the first ask the second his opinion on the leader. "Well, I quite like him actually."

[Sergius]

How many game programmers do you need to screw in a light bulb?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

None, 'cause it's a hardware problem.

[Dutchling]

How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

AM I BEING DETAINED!?

[hops]

How many Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

None. They just acknowledge that the room is dark and go about their business.

[Orange Wizard]

How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink 'till the room spins.

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

None. They must wait for God to change the bulb.

How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Five. One hold the bulb, and four to turn the table around.

How many New Zealanders does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

None. Sheep have no need for light bulbs.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Just one, but the bulb really has to want to change.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

[BadLemonsXI]

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

I got to save this somewhere. XD hahahahaha

[crazysheep]

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

None. They must wait for God to change the bulb.

Alternate answer, submitted by a friend:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

None, they will await God's enlightenment.

[Bohandas]

What kinds of hiccups do evil people get?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Diabolic Hiccups

I don' geddit...

apparently it's an old-timey term for chronically recurring hiccups

[Bohandas]

Q: How many porn stars does it take to screw in a lightbulb
A: As many as will fit

Q: How many policemen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they just beat the room for being black.


EDIT:
Q: What do you call it when a bunch of bulls ejaculate on you?
A: Moo-kkake

[Dutchling]

What does a sloth do when the forest is on fire?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

He is on fire too.

[DreamThorn]

What does a sloth do when the forest is on fire?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Burn.

FTFY

[McDonald]

"I said pass the juice not gas the Jews!" - Adolf Hitler

[hops]

What food do you make with epileptic vegetables?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Seizure salad

[Graknorke]

Q: How many policemen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they just beat the room for being black.

How many police officers does it take to break an egg?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

None. It fell, okay?

[Dutchling]

How many parents does it take to beat up a child?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

One, but two will do the trick too.