Oh, what the hell.
Junior Grade Mining Application - Form |||||| ||||||| ||| ||||| || (series b)
Name: Mark Frentiss
Sex: Male
Height: 2.2 metres
Weight: 78 kg
Age: 19
Answer the following questions with Yes or No:
1. Do you have a fear of being horribly mangled by automated smelting machinery? (Y/N)
2. Have you ever pressed a button? (Y/N)
3. Do you have a fear of being horribly mangled by automated mining machinery? (Y/N)
4. Do you enjoy space rations? (Y/N)
5. Do you have a fear of being horribly mangled by automated drink dispensers? (Y/N)
6. Have you ever mined before? (Y/N)
7. Do you understand what a rock is? (Y/N)
8. Can you put an object in a box? (Y/N)
9. Do you have a fear of being horribly mangled by automated medical machinery? (Y/N)
10. Can you adhere to a strict safety code? (Y/N)
Greetings Mark Frentiss,
Your application has been reviewed and accepted. Upon reviewing your application we have the following concerns:
1. Measuring your height in meters reveals a need to over-compensate for something. Please ensure that you abide by all safety regulations and do not try to impress other employees by performing daring acts of bravado over the automated grinder.
2. We understand your distaste for space rations, but you will have to buck up kiddo. It ain't cheap shipping real pork and eggs out to the edge of space for my breakfast, so we have to make up the margin by buying bulk space rations for the crew. Next time I'm dining on a fine swedish pastry, I'll think of you.
3. Your inability to adhere to a strict safety code should not present a problem to the performance of your duties. In unrelated news, the premiums for UberCorp life insurance for individuals with your name has risen by 900%. Please ensure you file approproate beneficiary and next-of-kin information with the local UberCorp branch, and update all identification records so that we may identify your body should you suffer an unfortunate accident.
Thank you for applying to UberCorp. Your first class space ticket is attached to this message, please report to your nearest space hub for departure within the hour.
Junior Grade Mining Application - Form |||||| ||||||| ||| ||||| || (series b)
Name: Anthony Engbrew
Sex: Male
Height: 180cm
Weight: 74kg
Age: 37
Answer the following questions with Yes or No:
1. Do you have a fear of being horribly mangled by automated smelting machinery? (Y/N)
2. Have you ever pressed a button? (Y/N)
3. Do you have a fear of being horribly mangled by automated mining machinery? (Y/N)
4. Do you enjoy space rations? (Y/N)
5. Do you have a fear of being horribly mangled by automated drink dispensers? (Y/N)
6. Have you ever mined before? (Y/N)
7. Do you understand what a rock is? (Y/N) ...Unsure
8. Can you put an object in a box? (Y/N)
9. Do you have a fear of being horribly mangled by automated medical machinery? (Y/N)
10. Can you adhere to a strict safety code? (Y/N)
Greetings Anthony Engbrew!
Your application has been reviewed and accepted. Upon reviewing your application we have the following concerns:
1. We note that you are unsure about your answer to question 7, but answered yes anyway. This poses two problems. First, it means you are a dirty liar. If you knew what a rock was, you'd have said yes. If you did not, you'd have said no. Please ensure that all future communication with UberCorp management is truthful. Second, you really kind of need to know what rocks are. To that end, I have authorized you to take part in a 15 minute mandatory training seminar.
2. Due to your ability to follow a strict safety code, you have been designate Safety Monitor. Any employee accidents will reflect badly on your yearly performance overview, resulting in severely reduced pay.
Thank you for applying to UberCorp. Your first class space ticket is attached to this message, please report to your nearest space hub for departure within the hour.
Do (Rock_tng.sct)
Unable to find Rock_tng.sct! Defaulting to minerology.sct.
Registered completion of course. Congratulations Anthony Engbrew, you are now a certified mineralogy expert.
Junior Grade Mining Application - Form |||||| ||||||| ||| ||||| || (series b)
Name: Trev "Trev" MacPhee
Sex: Male
Height: 1.64 metres
Weight: 68kg
Age: 41
Answer the following questions with Yes or No:
1. Do you have a fear of being horribly mangled by automated smelting machinery? (Y/N)
2. Have you ever pressed a button? (Y/N)
3. Do you have a fear of being horribly mangled by automated mining machinery? (Y/N)
4. Do you enjoy space rations? (Y/N)
5. Do you have a fear of being horribly mangled by automated drink dispensers? (Y/N)
6. Have you ever mined before? (Y/N)
7. Do you understand what a rock is? (Y/N)
8. Can you put an object in a box? (Y/N)
9. Do you have a fear of being horribly mangled by automated medical machinery? (Y/N)
10. Can you adhere to a strict safety code? (Y/N)
Greetings Trev "Trev" MacPhee!
Your application has been reviewed and accepted. Upon reviewing your application we have the following concerns:
1. Your nickname is the same as your first name. I believe you may not understand the purpose of a nickname. Because of this, you have been designated "Steve".
2. I see that you have never mined before. That is not a problem Steve! You will soon embark on the greatest journey of your life. In fact 76% of our employees remain in a mining career for the rest of their lives! To prepare you for this adventure, you will be taking our one hour virtual training session at the end of the application period. Thank you for your interest!
Thank you for applying to UberCorp. Your first class space ticket is attached to this message, please report to your nearest space hub for departure within the hour.
I don't think I will be able to trust any robots with this kind of a application form.
Junior Grade Mining Application - Form |||||| ||||||| ||| ||||| || (series b)
Name: Mike Wolfe
Sex: Male
Height: 1.82 meters
Weight: 74 Kilograms
Age: 22
Answer the following questions with Yes or No:
1. Do you have a fear of being horribly mangled by automated smelting machinery? (Y/N)
2. Have you ever pressed a button? (Y/N)
3. Do you have a fear of being horribly mangled by automated mining machinery? (Y/N)
4. Do you enjoy space rations? (Y/N)
5. Do you have a fear of being horribly mangled by automated drink dispensers? (Y/N)
6. Have you ever mined before? (Y/N)
7. Do you understand what a rock is? (Y/N)
8. Can you put an object in a box? (Y/N)
9. Do you have a fear of being horribly mangled by automated medical machinery? (Y/N)
10. Can you adhere to a strict safety code? (Y/N)
Greetings Mike Wolfe!
Your application has been reviewed and accepted. Upon reviewing your application we have the following concerns:
1. Mike, I feel we must address your fear of being horribly mangled by medical machinery. Mr. Surgeon, the automated medical bed, is your friend! He is there to mend your broken body after you accidentally fall into the automated recycler! Mr. Surgeon is a high-tech piece of machinery and he knows 14 ways to kill you using just a small puff of air, so please try not to anger him. So get over your fears Mike, and lie down on that bed. You'll feel right as rain!
2. Congratulations on your button-pressing experience! I am appointing you vice chairman in charge of button pressing for the mining platform you will be assigned to. Congratulations! This appointment does carry with it a small surcharge of ☼15 per cycle, but I think you'll agree that it is well worth it. And if you don't, well that doesn't matter because I already entered it into the record! Good luck!
Thank you for applying to UberCorp. Your first class space ticket is attached to this message, please report to your nearest space hub for departure within the hour.