Yeah, me again. It would appear that I am really just completely incapable of either finding a reasonable, nice person; or when I do find just such a person, actually having my heart pay attention to what my brain is saying and go in that direction. The damn incessant bastard is impossible to communicate with. Friggin' organs...
This has happened a couple times, but the latest spectacle is the one I'm currently attempting to get a grasp on.
Earlier this year, I met a gal while I was going through the previous "goddamnit heart,
stop doing that!" debacle which wound up being an incredibly painful love triangle that dissolved into a loneliness point. As I was beyond "complicated", I informed the new gal that I really wasn't anybody to get interested in, so we became friends instead. And it honestly, truly did work like that. At first.
Then came a party at her friend's place, and we wound up bunking there. I was getting ready to doze off in the guest bedroom when she knocked and asked to come in. I'd kinda been hoping she would, so I said yes, and we spent the rest of the morning/night cuddling and just chatting in low voices. No sex, no funny business like that, just... Intimacy without romance. It was great, and we were really good at it.
For a while after that, we managed to stay friends, albeit now even closer physically/emotionally. But then when she was on a trip off into nowhereland, I felt that I might be in the process of falling for her. Not wanting to follow in the footsteps of some of my previous upfuckery (and instead traverse new and exciting paths of the same...), I told her. We talked a bit, and she said that "her head says no, but her heart says go". We agreed to spend an afternoon together to see if we still felt that way face-to-face, and see if it went anywhere.
Well, uh... It didn't go quite as expected. She'd decided beforehand that sex/kissing were out of the question, as these only complicate matters. However, the minds of two people who are attracted to each other and are gagging for a shag tend to be capable of simplifying a number of such complicated matters. So while we neither kissed
on the lips nor took off
all our clothes, we still managed to get far enough to peak on the rollercoaster leading away from innocence...
Funny thing was though, throughout all this and afterwards on the walk home, I felt I'd made a mistake. I didn't really feel like I loved her, she still felt like just a really good friend. And I was afraid I'd fluffed up matters by going so far as I had and potentially getting her to fall for me.
When I got home, we chatted for a bit and I asked her how she felt. She spent some time carefully wording her response, wherein she said that she didn't really feel like she loved me, and that I still felt like just a really good friend. And that she was afraid she'd fluffed up matters by going so far as we had and potentially getting me to fall for her.
After a stunned moment of realization, we managed to work out this bizarre coincidence, and went back to being just really good friends.
...until a couple weeks later. I was having a seriously bad day after a rough exam, and she'd apparently decided "fuck it. I want you. Get cleaned up, I'm coming over". We entered into an awesome summer of being friends with benefits, and things were working out magically while we tried not to think about the inevitable end.
Said inevitable end was actually in sight, as it would appear. After the love triangle affair, seeing as I "no longer had any romantic interests" (my friend being honestly *just* a friend back then), I'd gotten in touch over the net with a gal who was out of the country but coming back at some point. She seemed nice enough and we got along, and I of course started pushing things. So we started planning out all sorts of crazy stuff (mostly sex) we'd get up to when she got back to the same country as me and we finally met in person.
We were slated to meet up about a month or so after my time of benefits started with the friend. My friend knew. The date approached, we broke off the extras, because she's even more principled than I am and that's saying quite a lot. I meet the new girl, try to focus my efforts and emotions on her because she's actually available, in that sense.
What follows is a bizarre period of me trying to work around the new girl's absolutely ridiculous schedule that made it so the next time I saw her was two months after the first time (and it's now been over a week and two months since then), losing a lot of contact with the friend because she got into a singing school she'd wanted and also got caught up with a lot of various performances, not to mention later on taking a southern turn in her overall mood (thanks to her being bipolar and experiencing complications with her meds).
And now I don't know where I am. I like the new girl (from now on, for simplicity's sake, the new gal will be Cho and my friend will be Ginny), and I realize she doesn't have a great deal of control over her schedule thanks to being effectively locked down by a psychotic and delusional family... But it's really difficult to try and develop a connection with someone who's only in the same area as you (despite living only an hour away) for a few hours once every two or three months. Furthermore, I find myself thinking about Ginny every day, and find that I'm actively trying to remind myself not to fall in love with her (again?), because I know she doesn't really feel that way about me, or doesn't want to get involved that way, and it wouldn't be fair to her.
I don't hear a whole lot from Ginny these days, but I see the occasional Facebook thingy that shows her performing on stage or hanging out with the cast afterwards, and I feel sad I'm not a part of any of it. She just recently took off on vacation by herself, and while that was hard enough for me, some acquaintance of hers slyly reminded her to pack condoms. I went into a funk for three days, where you get that delightful feeling of having swallowd a hot plastic bag of someone else's vomit. She just recently posted a photo showing the tropical view from her room where she's staying, and I felt sick thinking about the possibility of someone else being in that room with her (although she's still on something of a downtrip, and has stated that she really isn't inclined towards any sort of romantic or physical involvement with much of anyone at this point).
I'd really, really, really liked to stop being jealous. To stop thinking about how good it felt to hold her, how I could say with honesty the good things she needs to hear about herself. I'd like to be able to lose myself in Cho, someone I
know is interested and who also happens to lack any (apparent) severe mental disorders, which would be an improvement on my current track record.
But I keep wondering. I don't know what to think, and I'm not really sure how I feel. Am I just imagining feelings for Ginny again, like I did before? Even if I'm not, should I try and pursue them even though it may fuck up our friendship and/or put more pressure on her than she already has (not to mention potentially solidify my fears that I'd be turned down)? Can I learn to love Cho? Is that even something I should be trying to do, or is it wrong for all parties involved? Am I just holding on to the concept of my "dating" her, despite not having seen her for over two months, just so I can avoid the thought of being completely single again? I don't know. And I don't know how to work it out.
And no, I don't really expect anyone else to be able to answer those questions for me... I just don't really have that many people I can talk about this with, so I might as well talk with the perpetual "everyone" of the internet, heh. Just helps to get some of it out.
Link is relevant (somehow):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nof-bj6J3w0
Author
Topic: Wild (and completely batshit crazy) Heart (Read 1068 times)