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[woose1]

I'm stressing like crazy over it. I'm applying to UF (University of Florida) and I'm right on the gray zone in terms of grades for getting in. (1970 SAT and 3.6 GPA) I really need a good essay to make my application better, so I was wondering if you guys could tell me how I'm doing so far:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

I had never heard of 'Belize' before. I thought it might have been a famous singer, like Elvis. Maybe it was some sort of medical condition. Someone just told me it was in Mexico and I sort of nodded my head. "What an obscure sounding name." I thought. "I should mention it all the time to people to make myself sound educated!" It wasn't until I visited in early 2005 that I learned more about it: Belize is a small country in central america with a population of only about 300,000. It holds the distinction of being the only country for about 500 miles for which English is a primary language. This also, unfortunately, made it the most boring Central American country in my eyes; English seems mundane to me when I've grown up around it. As an upside, I thought it would be less awkward to visit if I could understand what everyone was saying.
I remember disembarking from our cruise ship; a huge, sterling white ugly thing that dwarfed everything else in the harbor. The country was undoubtedly beautiful, at least compared to the Floridian suburbs I was used to, but also reminiscent of some post-apocalyptic tragedy. The rickety wooden shacks on the harbor acted as a stark contrast to the hollowed out concrete shells of apartment buildings further inland. Street vendors, decked out in wicked looking trenchcoats fitted with tangles of ropes and beads shoved carved wooden or ivory exotics in our faces (the elephants were nowhere to be seen). To me, this was a great start to a trip that only a few hours prior I had been dreading to go on. Before, I'd looked at a pamphlet for the country itself, and I saw that the name "Belize" had come from the term 'mud', or 'muddy water'. For some reason that stuck out in my mind, that our trip would be boring, and we would somehow get covered in mud.
We eventually managed to shoulder our way past the vendors and found our tourguide. Or, more accurately, we found his cart. A real, wooden, horse-driven cart. Our guide grinned and waved us over, flashing me a gold-toothed smile. I remember he was wearing a bright, neon orange sweatshirt, along with an honest to god sombrero. As someone who had moved all around the east coast and Montreal, I considered myself fairly world traveled, but the idea of someone bopping around in an actual horse carriage blew my mind. More than that, his clothing showed a radical clash of different cultures that was totally unexpected.
The sound of the guide's speech took a backseat to my observation of the countryside. The dirt road we were traveling on had some ancient-looking spanish villas on either side, some wooden huts, a few modern houses and even a 7/11. My head swiveled so quickly as I marveled at the different buildings that I got tourist whiplash. As we traveled up into the hills, and away from civilization, something occurred to me: I had no idea what the real world looked like. Nothing in my 6 years of schooling, moving from place to place, education by my parents or my friends had prepared me for the experience of riding in a horse cart while listening to a guy wearing a sombrero explain to me the intricacies of the local Belizean government.
Ignorance is something I think no-one entirely overcomes, especially not me. Not my 10 year old self, not me right now, and  not me in 50 years. As Will Durant puts it, "Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance." I went into that trip thinking that I already knew what to expect, that I had the whole world figured out. I came out with a beat up ego and a passion to learn more.  More importantly, it made me realize that no matter how much I think I may know, there's always more that I can learn from new experiences. I believe that this experience will allow me to approach college with an open mind, and remind me that my world view shouldn't be static.

[LordBucket]

I had never heard of the name (omit 'of the name')  'Belize' before (omit 'before'). Someone just ('just is weak here. Suggest replace 'Someone just told me' with 'I had been told') told me it was in Mexico and I sort of nodded my head. (Introduction is altogether weak. You appear to be beginning in the middle of a thought. This is valid, but the result is not pleasing in this case. Instead of giving any indication what you'll be talking about you introduce a vague and unspecified 'other person' and then immediately drop them. The effect is jarring.)  "A country like that sounds really obscure!" (This sentence does not mean what you probably intend. Suggest replace with 'What an obscure sounding name.') I thought. "I should mention it all the time to people to make myself sound smart!" (Why are you thinking in exclamations?) It wasn't until I visited there (omit 'there') in early 2005 did I learn (replace 'did I learn' with 'that I learned') more about it. Belize is a small country in central america with a population of only about 300,000. It holds the distinction of being the only country for about 800 miles that has English as a primary language. (Not certain this is correct verb choice. Suggest replace 'has English as' with 'for which English is') This also, unfortunately, makes it the most boring Central American country in my opinion (How does having English as primary language make it boring? Also, suggest you omit 'in my opinion.') (apologies to any native Belizeans!) (weak. Suggest you remove the apology) , but the least awkward to visit when you can understand everything that everyone around you is talking about behind your back. (Why does having people talk about you behind your back make it less awkward?)
I remember embarking off (Doubly incorrect. One cannot embark off. That's not what the word means. Replace 'embarking off' with 'disembarking from') our cruise ship; a huge, sterling white ugly thing that dwarfed everything else in the harbor. It made me feel like an alien invader in more ways than one. Maybe like one of those weird tentacle things in Independence Day jumping off the mothership. (...just omit these two sentences. They're not helping you.) The country was undoubtedly beautiful, at least compared to the Floridian suburbia (Suggest replace 'suburbia' with 'suburbs') I was used to, but also reminiscent of some post-apocalyptic tragedy. The rickety wooden shacks on the harbor acted as a stark contrast to the hollowed out concrete shells of apartment buildings further inland. Street vendors, decked out in wicked looking trenchcoats fitted with tangles of robes and beads shoved carved wooden or ivory exotics in our faces (the elephants were no-where (no dash in nowhere) to be seen). All in all, a great start to a trip that only hours before I had been dreading to go on. (Awkward phrasing. Missing contraction. Appears to be sarcasm...but difficult to be sure.) You see, (Omit 'you see') I had (replace 'I had' with I'd') looked at a pamphlet for the country itself, and I saw that the name "Belize" had come from the term 'mud', or 'muddy water'. For some reason that stuck out in my mind, that our trip would be boring and filled with mud, somehow. (This sentence is awkward, and does not mean what you appear to intend by it.)
Anyway, (omit 'anyway') we eventually managed to shoulder (Correct, but awkward. Suggest replace 'shoulder' with 'pushed') our way over to our guide's (What guide?) cart. A real, wooden, horse-driven cart. Our guide waved and smiled at us, flashing me (replace 'me' with 'a') toothy smile. (You already said this. Don't tell us he smiled twice in the same sentence.) I remember he was wearing a bright, neon orange sweatshirt, along with an honest-to-god (no dashes) sombrero. This was shocking: (You're obviously trying too hard. Rephrase this without the colon. It doesn't add anything, and merely contributes length to an already run-on sentence.) as someone who had moved all around the east coast and Montreal, I considered myself fairly world traveled, but the idea of someone bopping around in an actual horse carriage blew my mind. More than that, his clothing showed a radical clash of different cultures that was totally unexpected to me. ('to me' isn't really necessary. The entire piece is written from your perspective and you've already made abundant use of personal qualifiers.)
The guide's narration was drowned out by my own observations. (This sentence does not mean what I think you probably mean.) The dirt road that (omit 'that') we were traveling on had some ancient-looking spanish villas on either side, some wooden huts, a few modern houses and even a 7/11. My head swiveled from side to side marveling at the different buildings so fast that I got tourist whiplash. (Awkward phrasing. Suggest omit 'so fast' and change to 'My head swiveled so quickly as I marveled...)  As we traveled up into the hills, and away from civilization, something occurred to me. (This would be  suitable place for a colon.) I had no idea what the real world looked like. Nothing in my 6 years of schooling, moving from place to place, education by my parents or my friends had prepared me for the experience of riding in a horse cart while listening to a guy wearing a sombrero explain to me the intricacies of the local Belizean government.
Ignorance is something I think no-one quite (suggest replace 'quite' with 'entirely') gets over (suggest replace 'gets over' with 'overcomes'). Not my 10 year old self, not me right now, and probably not me in 50 years. (It is somewhat peculiar that in the previous sentence you make a statement of opinion about 'everyone' and then in this sentence you gives three examples...all of whom are you personally. Your usage is not incorrect, but it reads strangely.) I went into that trip thinking that I already knew what to expect, that I had the whole world figured out. I came out with a beat-up (no dash) ego and a passion to learn more. More importantly, it made me realize that no matter how much I think I know, there's always more to get (replace 'get' with 'learn') from new experiences. I believe that this experience will allow me to approach college with an open mind, and remember that my world views (no need to pluralize) shouldn't be static. As Will Durant said, "Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance." (Weak to end on a quote. The point of this piece is what you have experienced, and/or how it will affect your college experience. End on a relevant conclusion, not something somebody else said. If you really want to include the quote, push it back a couple sentences.)

[woose1]

holy crap
- Uh, thanks for the ridiculous amount of constructive criticism. I think. D: I was kind of going off on what I had been told by my guidance counselor and teachers, to "write like how you speak" and make the essay somewhat informal. It's supposed to be a reflection of teenage wit and immaturity while showing off some humbleness and willingness to learn. Thanks for all the grammar corrections though, I tend to write weird.

EDIT: Also, get rid of the independence day stuff? It's supposed to be somewhat lighthearted, I thought that stuff was funny
EDIT2: Updated the OP

[woose1]

Thanks LordBucket, you've been a huge help. I'm going to bring this essay in and see what my guidance counselor thinks. I'll let you know how it turns out.