>Twirl Mustache
I threw this dice straight up. It hit the ceiling and straightened out - as it fell, it didn't spin a millimeter. Hitting the carpet with an unmoving thud (again, not spinning at all on impact), it revealed...
[1]
Sam twirls his mustache out of boredom. Unfortunately, his finger is covered in nervous sweat, and his mustache soaks it right up. Bonding inextricably, his finger is hopelessly ensnared to the mustache. Pull as he might (but not too hard, he doesn't want to lose the 'stache), it will not come loose.
This is the saddest 1 I have seen in a long time.
True. Time to get a 5 to comprimise.
>Remove hand for 'stache and proceed to draw on the walls until something important happens.
[2]
Your hand remains ensnared in your mustache. You use your car keys to scratch a little guy in the wall, sporting an equally magnificent mustache. You are pleased by this rendition.
Try to get out.
[6]
Behind you, Sam appears to be trapped in his own facial hair, and Mike is sitting on a tipped-over bomb despite the very real hazard of testicular cancer. You decide to take action!
The fallen figures have stopped moving [because character select is CLOSED, you guys, unless that guy gets his reserve sheet up soon]. You are worried about this, and decide to try to get out. Picking up a bar of what looks like inert lead (your pocket doesn't click any louder when you pick it up), you try to bash the door down. Unfortunately, it is a solid metal door, and lead is a soft metal. The bar squishes a bit, and the door doesn't move. Looking beside the door, you see a button labeled "BLAST DOOR UNLOCK". Pushing it, you hear a click, and a handle springs out of the door.
Working together, you and Mike manage to lift the door about a foot, as Sam wriggles underneath it, hand in 'stache the entire time. When he's on the other side, Mike's hands slip off the handle and the door slams shut. You are trapped in a room behind a door that takes two people to open. As you stare at the handle, the door rises suddenly and the handle hits you in the forehead. You are expected to bruise there, but you're free! Clearly there was an Emergency Motorized Override switch on the other side! You step out and see less of a glassy underground wasteland than you thought - thick foam appears to have automatically sprayed over the fallout from the micro-nuke blast and it wasn't much of a radioactive explosion to begin with, and hardened into something resembling either expanding foam sealant or diet recipes. You could dig through it if you wanted, but you'd probably only find a thin spread of hazardous dust and burn marks - everything in this room was stored on archaic computers, and most have been tipped over (plus the nano-punch cards that defined that era of computing will have burned up in the blast). Oh well, at least a thick lead brochure rack appears to have survived, although it's tipped over and sunken into the foam.