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[hops]

I rip a hole in time, stabbing you in the back before you can nuke the kingdom before he can stab me so I can use magic tricks to bamboozle him.

I continue forward with my alternate reality self and did the same thing I did earlier.

[IamanElfCollaborator]

I decide this is all too much trouble and go home.

I sit in my couch, eating popcorn and watching you all fight over a hill.

My couch.

[Montopolis]

This is great! I am still alive, along with my descendents, and the first AI.

The orbital colony sends down a robot that tears away all obstacles between you and the sky. The couch is then abducted into the colony's storage facility.

My couch.

[IamanElfCollaborator]

I complain to Costumer Service and they give me a new couch.

My couch.

[Just Some Guy]

I buy a couch from La-Z-Boy.

My couch.

[Montopolis]

I decide that abducting couches is useless, and drop the furniture down to whatever planet we are on. It crushes you between the two. I then set fire to JSG's couch.

We dump some lava onto the hill, and follow it up with a freeze ray. We then send down 15 soldiers armed with automatic guns.

My hill.

[Just Some Guy]

I sue you for compensation.

[Montopolis]

Unfortunately for you, I live in an orbital colony capable of FTL travel. I am also the king of said colony.

My team of lawyers shoot you in the stomach, multiple times. They then toss you into a dumpster.

My hill.

[IamanElfCollaborator]

I happen to be his lawyer. I am also the leader of the Universal Mafia.

Within seconds of your team shooting him, they are shot in the back and mangled by smuggled anti-shadow weapons in Orgia Mode. They had no chance.

Then, you personally are framed for the murder of a famous pop idol, put into prison, and I personally show up to put a bullet in your head, before framing your second-highest in the colony leadership.

Your colony is thrown into anarchy and is crashed into an asteroid. There are no survivors.

Finally, I go home, lock my door, and have tea on my couch, which is tied to the ground with adamantine chains and threads from Kyle Katarn's beard.

My couch.

[Montopolis]

I would never be foolish enough to appear planetside when wanted for murder.

Instead, a relatively insignificant clone of the tea guy was framed, jailed, and shot by you. The super-advanced AI in charge of the colony predicts the anarchy and gathers genetic information of all my descendants. Me, the tea guy, a flash drive containing the AI, and all the genetic data are evacuated to the Orbital Colony 2.0, orbiting the moon.

The original colony crashes into the asteroid, killing all aboard.

Meanwhile, the Universal Mafia decides that it is time for a new leader, and poisons your tea. You die on the couch within seconds of taking the first sip.

The new colony now orbits the planet.

My hill.

[IamanElfCollaborator]

Fool.

The Universal Mafia killed my wife. I kill the mafia in a roaring rampage of revenge.

Meanwhile, while you hide in your colony, I shut down all exits and communication channels, before slaughtering all of you with anti-shadow weapons, Messian technology, Almighty spells and Chaos Marines.

Then I go home, make sure my tea isn't tampered with, and drink on my non-tampered with couch with my non-tampered with chains.

My couch.

[Montopolis]

Ha! One does not simply kill the Universal Mafia. Instead, they gave you such a knock to the head that you hallucinated killing me with fictional weapons.

Neither was your tea tampered with, you wife purposely bought the instant poison kill blend.

My hill.

[IamanElfCollaborator]

I simply say 'Screw it', and simply hack the universe.

I kill every last one of the Universal Mafia by changing their raws to add the [AQUATIC] tag, making them airdrown.

Then I kill you by making all your composite tissues boil at room temperature, and restrict the changes to you alone.

Then I divorce my wife, kill her, burn the corpse, and disintegrate it with concentrated laser bursts. I get a new wife that loves me and does not in anyway want to kill me, nor is a jealous psychopath. Then I frame you for the murder. The case goes to naught since you're already dead.

I make sure anything in my house, including my tea and couch, is not fatal to me, then I sit down and relax.

My couch.

[Montopolis]

But! The tea guy (my clone from a page or so ago) lives on, along with a whole colony of my descendants. After my death, they have their own go at universe hacking. Your skin and bones now melt in contact with water. We also lock the universal hard drive, restricting any changes.

The tea guy then orders a hydrogen bomb to be deployed at your house, detonating and completely obliterating anything within a 1000 mile radius. The hill is outside that radius, and is claimed in my name.

My hill.

[IamanElfCollaborator]

I simply screw it and demand to be left alone. Surprisingly, the wish is granted and I move universes just so I can have a cup of tea in peace.

I settle down in a peaceful suburb and enjoy some tea, watching you resort to killing a single man who didn't even want the hill simply for the sake of the hill.

Then I switch to today's English soap operas.

My couch.

(Retconned so that your attack is completely useless.)