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[moocowmoo]

I have no plan B to college though. A suicidal wreck at the moment. I will never have friends or a family. What good is a degree in that case? There was someone on this board that joined a Buddhist Monastery. Are they still around?

I cannot escape the unending guilt and shame. The result is isolation and extreme self hatred. The mental health system is a fraud. At best it can be a perpetual, expensive band-aid. I used to hope I could be fixed, but there's nothing to encourage me on that account. All my experience points to a permanent brokenness.

But this story has been seen countless times online no doubt. Why do I even write it? In need of hope I guess... Everything looks futile and hopeless. To change things takes energy and hope. Would be grateful to be helped to feel hope.

[LordBucket]

escape the unending guilt and shame.

I give you permission to be released from guilt and shame. You feeling guilty does not serve me. You feeling shame does not serve me. I place no value on these things and do not wish them for you. You are released.

I used to hope I could be fixed,

It is difficult to fix something that isn't broken. If you accept who you are there will be nothing to fix. You are ok. Who you are is ok. What you are is ok. I accept you, and I don't want to fix you because you're not broken. If you accept you, then you also won't want to fi you because you'll realize that you're not broken.

[Thief^]

I agree with Lord Bucket.

Also, religious places like monasteries are definitely still around.

[ChairmanPoo]

May I suggest that you do not go gently and fight to stay and finish your study choice? Many people (dare I say most?) havd bleak moments and crisis during university years, but they pull through. So, hold fast during the shitstorm, and keep going forward.

[Trapezohedron]

What Lord Bucket and Chairman Poo said. Don't give up just yet. Get that damn degree so you can slap that achievement against life's face. But, why do you feel guilty? Something you did? Why do you feel you can't be fixed? Those parts are too vague to ever give me a hint of what you think went wrong.

I advise you to post your story here, unless you feel something is constraining you. It might be good to release pent up emotions, after all. Once you have so much, your judgment will become clouded and you will blame yourself for things you didn't do or others did.

[kaijyuu]

The only thing "broken" about you is having all that self hatred If you hate yourself you'll never fix your problems. Once you accept yourself, then you can move past them.

[lordcooper]

Stay the fuck in college.

[MetalSlimeHunt]

Suck it up or become a forgotten statistic.

You want to have friends and family? Then stop complaining on the internet and go get them. It won't come to you because you are the arbiter of your life. The decision is in your hands.

A degree is the difference between being a wage slave and having a career. Do you want to spend the rest of your life living paycheck to paycheck in debt you'll never pay off, hoping you don't end up fired and bankrupted one day? Then stay in college. College students usually have some stressful living arrangements (something I now know better than anyone else), but it isn't even comparable to trying to live on minimum wage.

Going to a monastery isn't going to help you, nor will any religion. It's a cop-out, a way to escape the real world for good and live in a made up one. You want that because you don't like your current situation, but you aren't solving your problems, you're running away from them.

Who cares if the mental health system is a fraud? You don't need their pseudo-science, or their judgement of you as broken. If you're the one who thinks you're broken, then obviously you already know what's wrong and can start fixing it.

Why do you hate yourself? Why are you guilty? We can't give you advice unless you tell us why.

But if you really want to die, then die and achieve a state of ultimate failure at your one and only real job, to live. We can't stop you. No one can stop you. Only you can stop you, and you're still here.

[moocowmoo]

I appreciate the kindness and advice. My story is unremarkable, there is nothing to it externally. The plague of it all is inside my head, which unfortunately I take with me wherever I go (unless in death our minds are extinguished). I'm turning 29 this year, only just finished my two year degree. I flee from everyone, sometimes moreso the more kind they are. Part of the the guilt is the squandering of gifts I know I should make something of and feel humble gratitude for. The self hatred is hard to bear. Have you ever met someone and thought "why is such a person even living?" Upon self reflection that is how I feel. Some people you just hate, no matter what they do, and somehow I've come to hate myself as the years have gone by. I don't know if it is possible to change, just the same as if you love or hate someone intensely... the difference being I can't ever escape from my own company. Perhaps the only solution will be to be so busy that I never get a chance to reflect... work sun up til sun down. I don't know. My sense of self worth has taken a severe battering so far this semester. Maybe I do belong as a "forgotten statistic", and someone better will take the space I occupy, and thrive, and contribute something to the world.

[i2amroy]

Have you ever met someone and thought "why is such a person even living?"

Never, though I have often thought "why are they doing this when they could be doing so much more?"

Maybe I do belong as a "forgotten statistic", and someone better will take the space I occupy, and thrive, and contribute something to the world.

Nobody can ever "replace" you. There isn't, and never will be, a person who has your exact experiences and your exact viewpoint, a thing that is perhaps the truly and only unique thing about us. Only you can look at any given problem and come up with the exact process of thinking that you do, which is why you should stick to it even if it seems hopeless. After all, who knows if someday there will be a problem that requires your viewpoint to solve?

As for self-loathing, the best treatment is of the "fake it until you make it" variety. Every time you catch yourself thinking something bad about yourself force yourself to find one good point about yourself that you enjoy, even if it's something as simple as "I make good breakfasts". Also whenever you get stuck in a sad or an angry rut, force yourself to smile regardless of how you actually feel. Studies have shown that simply the physical act of smiling or laughing can help you feel better about what you are thinking of. It's a difficult process, but by simply forcing your mind to look at the positive things, even if you don't truly feel that way deep down, you will slowly change the way it thinks to naturally be more positive and less self-destroying until you are no longer "faking", but actually feel happy about yourself.

[ChairmanPoo]

to be so busy that I never get a chance to reflect... work sun up til sun down.

That's actually not such a bad idea, if you manage to do it. I don't think it's easy to do, though.

[Shook]

Maybe I do belong as a "forgotten statistic", and someone better will take the space I occupy, and thrive, and contribute something to the world.

NO. This is wrong. Nobody belongs as a forgotten statistic, and nobody could ever replace you. You're in college, for heavens sake! Unless i'm entirely mistaken of what you mean by college (i assume it's meant like university, but even if not them my point still stands), this is where the smart people go. The smart, the intelligent, the talented, the USEFUL. You are all of these. Don't even try to deny it, because that'd be denying the truth. The solution to your isolation? Stop isolating yourself. There's a whole world of full of friendly people out there, ready to greet you with open arms. I can assure you, the vast majority of people out there are both compassionate and helpful. Talk to them, especially the ones you see on a daily basis. Know that people care about you, and that the world is worse off without you. And perhaps most importantly, learn to like yourself for who you are. Once you feel good about yourself, you will feel so much better in general. There is only one of you, and we don't want to lose you, so hang in there!

[LordBucket]

college
this is where the smart people go.

About 70% of high school graduates go to college these days.

My advice is:

 * Don't put yourself in debt to go to college
 * Only do it if it's what you want to do
 * Don't invest your sense of personal worth in it

Perhaps the only solution will be to be so busy that I never get
a chance to reflect... work sun up til sun down.

I advise against this. Think of it this way: if you smashed a finger in a car door, it would hurt, right? Would it make more sense to ignore it, not look at it, and try to distract yourself from the pain...or would it make more sense to look at it, see how badly it was hurt, clean it, wrap it, and be gentle with it? Your heart and mind behave similarly. They can also be hurt, and it's foolish and dangerous to ignore them. Instead, examine the hurt. Find the source. Then delicately wrap your emotional injury in a bandage, seal it with a kiss and give yourself time to heal.

Physical injuries can become infected. They can scar. Ignoring that smashed finger now might mean more hurt later.

It's likely that you only hurt as badly as you do now because you've been ignoring something for a long time already. It might not be easy to look. But...look.

[The Fool]

Don't drop out. Please don't. I'm trying to dig myself out of that pit right now. My back-up plan is art, but it'll probably be another year or two before I can act on it. Until then I have 16k in a line of credit that I have to whittle away while practicing drawing in my parents house. I'm in financial hell because I dropped out. Having a part-time job and trying to improve a skill with most of my free time is wearing on me, but I know that it's my hole to climb out of.

If in two years I can't get a job in the art industry I'll be joining the military. If you don't tackle your dreams now they'll fade away. Don't let it happen.

[moocowmoo]

Yes you guys are speaking sense... dropping out would be a big mistake I'm sure. Sometimes the heart takes over the head and I make bad decisions in spite of reason. Right now I'm again planning to see the degree through, make it through this cloud and try prepare myself for ones I know will come again in the future. I don't know if focusing on emotional injury necessarily helps it to heal. It's possible that some never heal, or only do so with time. I've spent a lot of time in therapy and introspection and honestly I can't say if it has done good or harm. For sure forgiveness and gratitude never hurt. I am blessed with a lot of good things, that is true as well. Anyway I appreciate the thoughts and well wishes.