I appreciate the kindness and advice. My story is unremarkable, there is nothing to it externally. The plague of it all is inside my head, which unfortunately I take with me wherever I go (unless in death our minds are extinguished). I'm turning 29 this year, only just finished my two year degree. I flee from everyone, sometimes moreso the more kind they are. Part of the the guilt is the squandering of gifts I know I should make something of and feel humble gratitude for. The self hatred is hard to bear. Have you ever met someone and thought "why is such a person even living?" Upon self reflection that is how I feel. Some people you just hate, no matter what they do, and somehow I've come to hate myself as the years have gone by. I don't know if it is possible to change, just the same as if you love or hate someone intensely... the difference being I can't ever escape from my own company. Perhaps the only solution will be to be so busy that I never get a chance to reflect... work sun up til sun down. I don't know. My sense of self worth has taken a severe battering so far this semester. Maybe I do belong as a "forgotten statistic", and someone better will take the space I occupy, and thrive, and contribute something to the world.
I can say I recognize this, a lot.
A few tips, try not to flee from people, if they are kind pay them back in kindness, be even though everyone tells me that it doesn't matter, you feel better if you do not have a debt of kindness and that also means be kind enough to not let others feel that they have a debt to you in kindness.
Stay in college, not that I am certain it is the right thing for you, but monasteries accept educated people too, also with many monasteries community work is a given and being educated does definitely not hurt that.
Study Buddhism well before you make a choice, there are many paths of Buddhism and religion might be able to ease your mind.
Go to an ordinary doctor, a clinical depression or b12 deficiency might be helped without advanced specialists and both might give that overarching feeling.
And really the most important, keep yourself active, not in the physically active sense necessarily, maybe start a club in real life about things you like, maybe playing games , maybe for discussing dwarf fortress, helping people study, helping homeless, hop on to a group activity that you think you might like. Not doing anything but school is a lot worse than having a bit of extra stress, of course, extra stress is bad, but not as bad as doing the same thing day in and day out, don't take it to far however, even if you don't feel like it, take time to rest.
And last but not least, do not be disappointed with yourself but try to not disappoint your future self, postpone it and reduce it so to say.
/Zorbeltuss
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Topic: May drop out of college (Read 1979 times)