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[ShoesandHats]

Okay, I've decided to make this thread after thinking about it for a week or two. The reason I'm so hesitant about it is that it requires that I admit something about myself that I tend to keep to myself on the Internet. No, I'm not gay. If I was, I'd have no problem coming out of the closet here. You guys as a community are always so supportive of each other that I'd never admit this to anyone else on any other forum. I see every other thread in the life advice section and everyone is generally polite and helpful. But the reason I'm so hesitant about this is that I'm the Internet equivalent of a plague-stricken openly gay black witch in the tenth century. I'm 12 years old. The reason I hate to admit this is that I'm afraid you guys will treat me like a 12 year old, rather than a peer or an equal. I'm just afraid you'll patronize me, I guess. That isn't even the reason I started this thread, though. I just feel that it is necessary information if you guys are to help me.
So, please treat me like I was someone your age. Just adjust your answer to that fact. Now, onto the actual problem. I'm in the 7th grade, and I'm not afraid to admit that I'm a nerd. It's a simple fact that I'm perfectly fine with. The problem with being a nerd is that you are generally unpopular. Sure, I have a few friends here and there, but I feel nervous talking even with them. See, I personally believe that over the past few years I've masked my nervousness and social incompetence with completely off the wall behavior. As you might imagine, being the resident nutcase didn't exactly help my social standing. I've realized this, and I've figured it's best not to burst into dance if you don't want everyone to think you're a complete weirdo. So for the past few weeks I've been keeping to myself mostly, not speaking unless I've been spoken to, and though it's certainly better than everyone laughing at me rather than with me, now no one is laughing at all, so to speak. I just generally feel nervous when talking to other kids, even if I've been close friends with them since the 5th or 4th grade. I'm afraid I'll alienate them, so I almost never talk to them anymore for fear that they'll suddenly decide that I'm nothing more than some desperate weird kid who just wants attention. I feel like everyone else has found their clique, their own little group of friends who all have shared interests, like sports or music. I've not been able to find anyone who I like and who likes me back and shares my nerdy interests. At a certain point I almost think that all my friends are just friends out of pity, which I now sounds incredibly...something. I'm not angsty, I'm not depressed, I'm just lonely, and I'm not even too sure about that. I'd like friends that I don't feel nervous to talk to, and I'd like to be able to just talk to other people in general, and while I'm at it I'd like a flying cat who dispenses harps.
So I turn to you guys, who are almost eternally tolerant and helpful, for help and advice.

[MetalSlimeHunt]

You are entering a self-isolation phase due to your increased self-consciousness. This is common among individuals of your age, but not constructive to your life. It can also, as it did in my case, develop further into a phase of bitterness and blind aggression if it lasts too long. It is less to do with being 12 and more to do with the standard effects of social isolation, but the persistent hormonal storm of individuals your age exasperates the effects.

My suggestion is that more than anything else, you should stop trying to be the person you think you should be, and just be. That is easier said than done, of course, but the idea of partitioned and stereotypical social groups that most of us grew up upon is not how the world actually works and will do you little good to follow.

It doesn't do any good to try to be liked. If someone doesn't like you but likes your facade, why are you even bothering? You'll never be able to be yourself to them. Popularity is a manner of perception. There isn't just one popularity to worry about, and you shouldn't worry about most possible popularities, only those which are relevant to your social circle.

I know it sounds like the most horrifically unhelpful and stereotypical advice ever, but you really should just be yourself. If someone else takes issue with you, then fuck them. There's no point in concerning yourself with people who don't like the real you, and I guarantee that you will find people who do like the real you. That's where you should be investing your social relationships.

The paranoid feeling that your friends aren't really your friends is normal. You have, due to pubescence, begun to sense the "invisible audience" where all of your actions and thoughts are being judged by everyone even if no one is even around or able to potentially observe these things. That feeling is essentially your self-consciousness thrown into overdrive and stuck there. It will go away on its own over the course of the next six or seven years, but until then the only thing you can do is learn to recognize and ignore it. Just don't ignore your self-consciousness entirely, or you might start acting like an insensitive dick.

[ShoesandHats]

Well, I'm not necessarily suggesting that most of my friends aren't actually my friends. I only feel that way about some of them. Others, I'm just too nervous to actually talk to. I guess I'm more socially self conscious than I am actually self concious, because I don't really think of myself as ugly or stupid or anything, it's more just that I'm nervous that I'll alienate everyone I know if I come off as desperate or weird, which is basically what happened last year. I don't try to be anyone that I'm not, to be truthful. I am a bit strange by nature and I'm often a bit quiet at times, it's just that I can never find anyone who really appreciates those traits. Well, except the teachers. They appreciate the quiet part.

[Trapezohedron]

You think too much about how your actions will impact others, and the possible feedback you'll receive. I can't offer advice about your current situation, as I have no idea how other 12 year olds' mindsets work (forcibly isolated at home with no friends and had no education is what I had for childhood, fml).

But I tell you, isolating yourself is going to hurt you in the long run, especially in the self-confidence-esteem department.

In reality, there's a lot of people like you, and it doesn't really hurt to show who you really are. Don't ever try to bring up a facade which everyone would like, as you will hurt yourself; feel like a hollow existence in the middle of a meaningless world.

As MSH said, ignore your "invisible audience", but don't ignore it enough that you would sound like a dick and a jerk.

[GlyphGryph]

This is the age where you learn and experience and discover. What you're doing?

You're refusing to learn, terrified to experience, and unwilling to leave your safe little cocoon of isolation.

Stop it. ESPECIALLY in 7th grade. 7th and 8th grade are like PREMIUM learning opportunity time.

What would you think of yourself if you suddenly stopped going to class because you were afraid you might get a bad grade on a test or homework assignment? Kind of counter-productive, eh?

And finally - middle school is tough, and the way you talk you're already doing pretty well - don't give up now!

[The Fool]

I legitimately wasn't expecting you to be 12. Your grammar and spelling is surprisingly good.

I was bullied extensively back in elementary school, and only by being myself and not changing did I make them stop. My suggestion is to do things that you usually enjoy and try and meet people that way. It's important to at least have one similar interest when making friends.

As for friends that don't feel like friends I've had a few. When you don't share any interests anymore you should just let your relationship slowly fall away. Most of the friends I have now came from high school (grade 9-12 here). It's easier to find a group of people with similar interests when there are clubs to join.

[MetalSlimeHunt]

I guess I'm more socially self conscious than I am actually self concious, because I don't really think of myself as ugly or stupid or anything, it's more just that I'm nervous that I'll alienate everyone I know if I come off as desperate or weird, which is basically what happened last year.

That's self-consciousness verbatim.

I don't try to be anyone that I'm not, to be truthful. I am a bit strange by nature and I'm often a bit quiet at times, it's just that I can never find anyone who really appreciates those traits. Well, except the teachers. They appreciate the quiet part.

Then the most important thing is to keep looking. Whatever you do, don't keep isolating yourself.

[GlyphGryph]

Oh, and yeah, I had you pegged as early twenties or so. Doesn't matter how old you actually are, just how well you act and write, and you've got that down pretty well.

Also, I kind of missed out on a lot of that socializing ability - I did spend most of middle school/high school "being myself", and that was fine in high school where any amount of effort and willingness to go with the flow will just make friendships of the casual sort sprout up all over the place especially if you come in with even one or two friends, but in University I realized just how socially stunted I'd become, ability wise. It was a year and a half digging myself out of that hole.

Push yourself, get out there, and the find the sort of people you want to hang out with. They probably aren't going to come to you. If you have interests that are fitting, join a club. If no club exists, talk to the teachers (you said they liked you!) and start one. Advertise it, get some people to join, have fun doing your thing. Whatever sort of situation will just put you out there interacting with people.

[ShoesandHats]

I guess I might have exaggerated a bit? I mean, yeah, I'm still nervous about talking to people and I still don't have all that many actual friends, but I still have people who will openly converse with me. I wrote the OP pretty late at night, and the same goes for the second post. I mean, I don't really think, as GlyphGryph suggested, that I am refusing to learn and unwilling to experience anything new.  It's more that I am unsure how to learn about these things or experience anything new. As you might know if you frequent the MSPA thread in the general discussion board, I thoroughly enjoy Homestuck, as well as Problem Sleuth. My school allows students to dress in their Halloween costumes on some day near Halloween. I'm not sure which, but the dates not important. I've been pondering whether or not I should dress as a Troll or something for that, as I'm pretty sure there's at least one other Homestuck fan at my school. Who knows how many more they might be? From that idea came another: I know pretty much nothing at all about Comicon or any of its many anime-children, but I know for a fact that whenever you go to one of those conventions, there will inevitably be at least a few other people cosplaying as a Homestuck character.  I could easily meet someone else with similar interests, and it'll be fun to do it even if I don't find anyone else that isn't a complete dick. Do either of these ideas sound good? I mean, I honestly have no idea where or when any of these events takes place, so I'd have to do my research, and even then I'd have to convince my parents. I mean, just about anyone who reads Homestuck is going to be either a complete geek or someone who has passing interest in such things, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm the former.

[MetalSlimeHunt]

That's a good idea, but you should probably start working on your costume now, in that case. Good Troll costumes take work, as do all creative costumes.

You're probably a little young to solo Comicon unless it so happens to be close by, in which case go for it.

[ShoesandHats]

That's a good idea, but you should probably start working on your costume now, in that case. Good Troll costumes take work, as do all creative costumes.

Well, I'm not planning on anything too elaborate. Just a bunch of gray face paint, a wig or hair dye and some makeshift horns. I'm not sure what the horns would be made of, but I figure I could get the headband off of some dealy boppers or whatever you call those things.

EDIT: Well, after some quick wikipedia-ing, it appears that the closest comic convention is (thankfully) in the city where I live. The only problem is that it takes place in March 2013. I guess it's not too bad, seeing as I'd have time to make my costume not really shitty, and more time to convince my parents. Either way, it looks fun and I'd definitely enjoy it if I did go. They even have Patrick Stewart lined up! Even though I'm not much into Star Trek, that's still pretty cool.

[ShoesandHats]

Just because we started discussing things that not everyone is interested in doesn't mean that the thread should die! And neither should my social life! Exclamation mark semi-bump!

So, do you think I should see the school counselor about this problem? I feel like I'd be more comfortable talking about it with one of my closer friends. I have one in particular in mind who has been my friend since I was in either the 5th or 4th grade, and who is one of the few other kids who I feel mostly fine talking to.

[MetalSlimeHunt]

Probably not. School officials usually do more harm than good. Counselors in particular will get you in some serious shit if they even incorrectly suspect something serious is up in your life, which they can extrapolate from completely innocent details.

[Urist McPenguinhead]

Yeah, I'd agree with metalslimehunt. Maybe your school counselor's different, but from my experience they draw conclusions from thin air.

[Spaghetti7]

I'm sorry I can't help with the loneliness issue, but I do have a quick something to say about your age.
When I started out on this forum, I was near your age and had the same fear. That people would patronise me, mainly because most kids my age couldn't write in proper English.
However, you quickly find out people here don't care. This is genuinely one of the nicest places on the Internet and as long as you can be understood, people don't really care about your age.
Good luck with your problem.