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[nenjin]

The longer this goes on, the more obligated you will become and the harder it may be to change.

Indeed. And the more you're going to want out of it.

I basically did the same thing when I was 19 or 20. Got involved with a girl that was still dating a guy. Lots of cuddling, necking, tender words when we could get them in. At the time I said I was cool with how it was all structured, didn't want to make demands on her, ect.....then I started falling for her. And when we had the discussion about what was "right" she did the right thing and went back to her boyfriend. And then I got insanely jealous and did an about face on how I felt, and felt pretty screwed over the whole deal. It's an experience I wish I had handled more maturely from the outset, by admitting that there are things I want out of a relationship and compromises I wasn't willing to make. In order to be a "good guy" though, I in a sense lied to myself and her and we both ended up worse for it.

[Kedly]

At this point I feel I should mention that her bf has been treating her awfully for a while now. It doesnt excuse any of this, but I feel Im painting a bad picture of her character. She knows this is wrong too. Were both just being selfish atm. Im also expecting her to end this after a while too, and as long as we stay friends Ill be fine with that... Basically Im building myself a safety net by expecting the worst outcome that ends with the friendship intact (the non affectionate part) and just hoping that it not going to turn out worse than that.

[pisskop]

Whats aweful?  Excuse my french, but hippie liberal hug-and-kiss bad?  Or beat up ona hoe like a pimp bad?

[nenjin]

At this point I feel I should mention that her bf has been treating her awfully for a while now. It doesnt excuse any of this, but I feel Im painting a bad picture of her character. She knows this is wrong too. Were both just being selfish atm. Im also expecting her to end this after a while too, and as long as we stay friends Ill be fine with that

Well, just remember the more you open your heart to her and this relationship, the more vulnerable you're making yourself to negative emotions if/when things go south.

[Kedly]

Takes her for granted (she bought him everything this summer so hed have money for school, when shes just as much a starving student, he cant be bothered to buy her a birthday present they agreed on). Treats her like he owns her (he told her she couldnt go to her best friends birthday party because her best friend is my brothers girlfriend and he hates my brother), and gives her very sporadic attention

 

Well, just remember the more you open your heart to her and this relationship, the more vulnerable you're making yourself to negative emotions if/when things go south.

 
Yeah I know, I think Im going to talk to her about ONE need, and that is I need her to help rebuild the foundations of this friendship when things go to shit. She knows about my issues about feeling discarded.

[Thief^]

I think she needs to break it off with the other guy. Not because of you though. Just anyway. She's not being treated like an equal in that relationship, and that's not good.

[Kedly]

No, she isn't being treated like an equal, but leaving is her decision to make, not mine.

[Grek]

The correct term for your relationship is "Snugglebuddies."

[MorleyDev]

Ah the emotional crutch man, I was nearly that once. Never let it happen, kept her as a friend and ran away (aka. gracefully exited the premises or drew a line) when things got risky, but I can see how it happens. She pretty much hated her boyfriend and it was a rather dysfunctional relationship (she had problems, he had problems, the personalities mashed together in a horrible (but often entertaining-to-watch) way).

I say if you can run away (aka. graceful exit or draw line), keep her as friend but cut off all snugglebuddieness and don't let any emotional manipulation get in the way (or your emotions manipulate you). It's better and easier in the long run for you, less pain all around and to be honest the "pleasure"/entertainment won't be worth the pain unless you're already a detached individual (like I was back then, which is not a good way to be fyi) who won't feel that pain on a deep enough level for it to matter. Although there is the risk the alternating affection/rejection could drive her a little bit insane in all manner of ways. And I guess it costs you some emotional fulfilment/happiness too.

But I'm aware most people aren't as detached or emotionally distant as I was (hey, we all have issues. I'm better than I was back). Also being rather asexual probably helped, less background noise to get in the way of acting. If not able to or doubt your ability to effectively manage the situation, I prescribe 50CC of cut her out of your life. Painful but effective, like chemotherapy. Eventually she'll just become somebody that you used to know and her pains and plights will mean nothing to you. A harsh but true fact of life.

[Kedly]

Ugh, Im feeling ignored, yet at the same time its probably all in my head... still doesn't stop me from worrying I'll be discarded eventually though...

[MaximumZero]

Okay, take it from an old pro: this is going to end badly. In fact, there's no way that this won't end badly. Get the hell out of dodge ASAP. You're creating vulnerability in yourself that you can't afford to have, because either a) she's not going to leave him and that'll hurt, or b) she'll rebound off you when she does leave him and then leave you in the dust. She's already seeking an excuse to get away from him, and you're a convenient launchpad. That's not to say there's not legit feelings and friendship and companionship going on, but you're being a catalyst for cheating (at the very least in an emotional sense, which could lead to unintended physicality in the future), and setting yourself up for failure. You've already admitted that you think what you're doing is wrong.

Walk away, before this whole thing blows up in your face.

[Kedly]

How do I drop this without straight up not hanging out with her though?

[MaximumZero]

Sit her down, look into her eyes, and say the dreaded words: "We need to talk. That means I need to talk, and I need you to listen." Explain from there.

[pisskop]

self control.  Treat it, to put it bluntly, like training a puppy.  You want to give it scraps and let it into your bed, but you know that you must be firm and rational.  Grieve/reminice in private.

If you lack the willpower to do so than avoidng her may be for the best.

[Kedly]

Yeah, fair enough. Im definately not cut out for this O.o