Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Kedly]

I'm just starting this up instead of putting it in whatever emotion thread this relationship is causing a particular emotion spike in, as, even if I do end this and retrack to normal friendship, it probably wont be for a bit and I forsee needing to talk about this many more times before this either normalizes or retracks to an easier to understand relationship (IE: most likely a normal friendship).

Also this may be stupid to put here as she now knows I visit the DF forums and knows my username, but I think she'd understand so I'll talk about it here anyways.

On to what's going on.

I've known one of my brother's best friends for quite some time now, but always viewed her as just that, until about half a year to a year ago. About that time I began to notice how amazing she was and decided to make the relationship more "friendship", and less "friend of my brothers". About three months ago that changed to less "friendship" and more "Heavy interest" as I started to hang out with her more. If you haven't filled it in yet, she has a boyfriend of 2 years that she has no intention of leaving. But it has become apparent that she has a heavy interest in me as well, and she is a bit of a free spirit so our friendship has quickly evolved into friends with benefits (Sex is NOT one of those benefits, but snuggling and intimate affection are). Her boyfriend isn't as much of a free spirit however, so all I am aware that he knows is that I have been hanging out with her a shit tonne lately, and as we share a friendbase through my brother, there is very few people I am allowed to talk to about my situation, because , as I stated earlier, she has no intention of leaving her boyfriend, and if word got around to him, that would do serious damage on their relationship. So far, despite the panic and terror, and feeling sleazy for going against my morals (I have seen many people I care about hurt by cheating, and yet here I am helping someone cheat), it is actually going good, and we maintain amazing communication. (She asked that one of the terms of this friendship be that I dont fall in love with her, and I told her I couldn't accept that term, but that if I did I wouldn't try to get in the way of her relationship). But crossing my own moral boundries wears on me at times, and I have a history of being used and discarded with past relationships, so a couple times now allready I have had a massive anxiety spike that this is all going to go to shit and she is going to be another person who just drops me out of there life without a second thought, and we have only been in the "clearly cheating" range for about a week, maybe two now. Enough rambling now I guess, this is currently my biggest challenge life is throwing me. (Balancing enjoying this special friendship, against hope that maybe it could eventually be more [because that hope is just going to get me in trouble, and is probably the one thing I cant talk to her about])

[Yoink]

I have NO EXPERIENCE IN THIS FIELD WHATSOEVER, so I shall instead attempt to help you mind a more suitable title.
Toyboy? Teddy bear? Uhm.

[kaijyuu]

I think you should end it.

I know it's hard I know it's awesome to have someone's affection; REALLY awesome. But I assure you, cutting it off now will hurt far, far, FAR less than when it inevitably goes south and a drama bomb explodes. Even if you can successfully hide it, it's still extremely unfair to her current boyfriend.

The only way I can see you keeping things as they are without negative consequences is to have all 3 of you be okay with an open relationship. Not everyone's completely monogamous. But her boyfriend definitely has to know, and be okay with it, if you want to keep this and not have it end in disaster.


A few side notes:
- As far as "blame" goes, it's mostly on her. It's more her responsibility to be honest with her boyfriend than yours. Not that that makes you innocent But if things do go south, don't pin everything on yourself.
- You definitely can have a chance with her if she leaves her current boyfriend for some reason, though it will end extremely awkward if she leaves him for you and everyone knows it. I don't think you want that reputation.
- And most importantly: There are lots of fish in the sea.

[NRDL]

Read this in the Terrified Thread. 

Like I'm guessing a number of others, no experience here.  So this is more of a PTW than actual advice.  With my meagre understanding, go with Kaijyuu's advice. 

[Kedly]

Yeah, I'm sure I have a chance if things dont work out with her boyfriend, but I don't want to get into that train of though becuase thats creating a hope for something she has said is off bounds, and I want to respect that. I know that she should probably talk to her boyfriend about this, but like you said that's her domain not mine (Like you also said that doesn't leave me completely blameless). I'm REALLY enjoying the affection right now though. I'm a super affectionate person, and I literally have no other sources of affection, and am wary of getting into another relationship for a while (Getting into one JUST for the affection is probably a bad idea anyways). On the everyone knows part, I'm pretty sure a vast majority of our friends would rather I take her from him, which is another reason she didn't want me to talk to them. They have noticed how much time we are spending together and have started bugging her with comments like "How's the affair going" and such. And she's worried that some of them might use whats going on between us to actually sabotage whats going on between her and her boyfriend. I know I should end it, Im pretty sure she knows she should end it too, but we're both being selfish at the moment.

[nenjin]

I vote end it too.

Personally, I believe it's emotionally dishonest on her part. She wants the comfort of a real, stable relationship but she wants extra affection of "some strange" on the side. I know when I'm with someone, I want their undivided affection. If this were an open relationship she was in with her BF, it would be a different story. But it doesn't sound like that.

Once a friend of mine told me on this issue "Screw it, he ain't your homie." Over time I've come to reject that belief, because I can't help but put myself in the other guy's shoes. I wouldn't want my SO getting extra emotional nooky on the side....so I can't in good conscious do it myself. You're just loading up on bad karma there and it's going to come back and bite you in the ass.

Besides, if she's willing to be emotionally unfaithful with him.....do you honestly think the same doesn't apply to you? She wants the best of both worlds at the expense of both your's and her actual boyfriend's. Or she simply doesn't have the wherewithal to be honest with her boyfriend and dump him. Either way, those aren't encouraging traits.

If you're satisfied with an incomplete relationship that is the remainder of someone else's fully functional relationship, that's your prerogative. If it's filling some need for affection you have and what you're getting is good enough, no one really has the business to tell you otherwise. That said, ask yourself if you're really getting what you need out of this or if it's just scratching an itch that you should be leaving alone. Maybe instead of messing with her, you should be trying to find a truer, real relationship.

I'm not saying I'm not guilty of doing this too....I've done the same thing in the past. But eventually I came to the place where I was willing to say "You and I can't do this until you do the right thing and break up with your boyfriend. Or me."

[Kedly]

Yeah I know "I don't like him anyways" isn't a valid excuse, I'm very clearly aware we are in morally black territory. I can't say I'm fine with that? I'm just kind of hoping I'll get over it? On the unfaithful part. Beleive me I've thought about that, I guess I have just come to the conclusion I'll never try and trap her into a closed relationship, and I think I'm fine with that, aware that I might have to deal with jealousy that may arise from that (although I'm not a very jealous person). That way she wont have a reason to lie to me. I think I'm fine with the sacrifices Im making (I have no "right" to her affection, its crossing my own moral boundires, I'm risking things going messy fast) but allready my emotions are becoming a rollercoaster (but its still net positive) That being said, no consequences of our actions have had to be dealt with yet. Eventually I might want her to come clean to her boyfriend though, although I don't feel that is something I should push right now. I'm letting her decide what she thinks is right and wrong, and trying to be supportive. I am avoiding inserting any of my needs at the moment.

[nenjin]

On the unfaithful part. Beleive me I've thought about that, I guess I have just come to the conclusion I'll never try and trap her into a closed relationship, and I think I'm fine with that, aware that I might have to deal with jealousy that may arise from that (although I'm not a very jealous person). That way she wont have a reason to lie to me.

So. By saying you have no needs or no importance to your needs, you avoid placing her in a bad situation, thereby avoiding putting yourself in a bad situation? Your choice of words, calling an actual relationship a "trap" is interesting. Kind of like you've already convinced yourself that she's "trapped" in her relationship and that's a bad thing. Despite it not actually being your relationship or honestly any of your business. Or that however she's handling things is ok, like open relationships are the way things should be and emotional fidelity is archaic.

Don't take this the wrong way, but that sounds like a relationship founded on inequality. Were you in a real relationship with her, that kind of sacrifice might seem noble or altruistic or loving. But in a relationship that exists in quasi-secrecy? Sounds to me like you need this relationship more than she does, and are coming up with reasons why that's ok.

Also, age check? I've seen this go down during many stages of life, and trust me, the consequences only get worse the older everyone gets.

[Kedly]

Wow, no I must be conveying myself wrong. I'm a needy person usually, and we're not in a relationship, so Im trying not to put any needs in. Neither am I saying monagamy is archaic and bad, I probably prefer monogamy, but Im not against an open relationship. Emotional fidelity is indeed important. Im just not going to make any demands (that she inform her boyfriend) as Im not in any position to make demands. Im enjoying the affection, and the price I pay for that is staying silent about not enjoying the moral black territory. And I get your point. All of my previous relationships failed in part because I wasnt up front about my needs, and it was too late before I started requiring them to be met. We just friends with affectionate benefits however, so while friendship is a class of relationship, its not neccesarily one where you can expect needs to be met. Im pretty much 23 and shes pretty much 20 (were both having birthdays in a couple months)

[pisskop]

I'd call her a friend w/benefits.  If you have sex with her.  If not, than she is a emotional companion.

You know what you are doing is wrong, I think, so long as you allow her to sneak around behind her 'boyfriend's' back.  I won't attempt to stop you as I'd then be a hypocrite.  I'd helped a few girls into infidelity before.   But, be aware of the consequences.  Will he turn violent if he finds out?  Will she cheat on you if she does end up with you?  Will it be worth it WCS?

Obviously you both are getting something together that you re missing alone, otherwise you wouldn't need to cuddle and stuffs.

[kaijyuu]

Even looking at this from a selfish perspective, you're not getting everything out of a relationship you could. It is in your best interest, not only in avoiding consequences, but also gaining additional benefits, to seek a girlfriend that's all your own.

But like nenjin said, if you're satisfied with the current situation, I can't tell you differently. I just doubt you are.

[nenjin]

That's my impression too. Based on my previous experiences, this is the kind of thing that will eat at your enjoyment the longer it goes on. Because it sounds like you're a principled person and "morally black areas" are the kind of considerations that don't just go away.

[Kedly]

I think Im satisfied, just worried, for the reasons I and everyone else stated. I've also noted that Im falling for her pretty fast. This is also probably the last time I help someone cheat. And yeah, "emotional companion" works much better than "friends with benefits not including sex"

[pisskop]

The longer this goes on, the more obligated you will become and the harder it may be to change.

[GlyphGryph]

I would use the confidence you should be gaining from having your emotional needs met as an opportunity to go out and get a real girlfriend.

Under no circumstances, even if the guy breaks it off with this one, should you go out with her - she's already made it quite clear she's willing to put her own desires well above things like honesty, teamwork, dedication and loyalty, all essential components to a decent relationship.

This sort of thing can be pretty exciting and appealing, especially due to the moral issues - enjoy it while it lasts, you don't actually owe the guy anything and if it wasn't you it would be someone else... but for your own sake, dear god, get out of this as soon as possible and into something better before it goes downhill.