Just today I considered the nature of existence. Well, it crossed my mind. Saw a lone horse in a field, looking bored. This brought back to mind the life of the friends' rabbit that I sometimes pet-sit (and that I don't like leaving to sit bored in its cage all the time, so when I'm able I let it explore the house as much as I feel safe letting it). And then there's me. I'm the only creature, so far mentioned, that I can be sure can at least generate a little introverted universe of my own in my head to keep myself entertained, when all other factors fail to amuse. I also have incalculable methods of keeping entertained without anyone else's actual (at that time) involvement, whether it be books and magazines or computer games or actually constructing something, either physically or out of raw computer code.
I don't interact well with people. No, that's not quite right. I don't let myself interact with people, often, and keep to myself, although when there's something I attend where there's other people, like my friends' place (with their rabbit), the parental family home, a fan convention or my workplace (or, virtually, forums such as this), I get into the swing of things fairly decently, I believe. But it's a bit of "take it or leave it", and largely a matter of if I didn't think I could handle it I'd not be doing it. (With a possible exception of the family occasions, which I'd find much harder to escape without causing actual grief to the other parties.) But, as you can probably tell, I'm not a party person, I don't gate-crash celebrity events uninvited, I will travel to random places far away, but I won't go to random people and try to insinuate myself.
In that regard, reality is just a shell that I let surround me, but rarely go out of my way to mould to a shape of my liking, in the manner of an actual Go-Getter person. Most of the moulding is the bits of the interior that are already within my grasp and somewhat 'me'-shaped. To this end, I'm probably at least as disconnected as you (OP) feel you are.
Am I happy? Well, certain opportunities have escaped me and various possible actions have been not possible to undertake. I don't have anyone special to share emotions, although (OTOH) neither do I have to do much tricky negotiating around the emotional needs of A.N.Other, on a daily basis. There's aspects to my personality and capabilities that I might consider changing if it were a matter of flicking a switch or pulling a plug to make the necessary changes, but right now it'd not be so easy (or predictable) and it'd be an effort to do as well, in one way or another. And so I bumble along. And (while I generally abhor anyone telling me that I've done so) where I involve myself in the business of others I try to make sure it is a positive contribution. Never a St. Francis of Assisi, but I'll be the guy behind the scenes who keeps things running, unobserved and uncelebrated. That works for me.
I wouldn't wish my life upon anybody, but I know there are people with worse ones. People too connected with reality. (The reality of a warzone going on around them. The reality of being disabled. The reality of not being in emotional or mental control of their lives (below even the level that I am!). The reality of having no hope, for some reason or another.) Some might consider my reactions to events to be approaching a Fugue State, I know, but I know that I'm comparatively free-thinking.
Thinking. I do a lot of thinking. Probably not at the Professional Philosopher level. And some of that thinking is how I might actualise the rest of my thoughts, but it's not an important part of my life. Maybe it should be. I'm not afraid to pose the question, but can't rule out that I might be to find an answer.
But just how much introspection can one[1] properly convey within a publicly broadcast message without looking attention-seeking. Oh, how ironic, coming from an someone who considers themselves introverted. It's almost like singing "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina". (Not that I do sing, obviously But you get the idea.)
edit: [1] Just re-read what I wrote (yeah, bad habbit) and I'd like to point out before anyone else makes a vocal assumption along those lines, that the "one" I'm talking about is me. But it may have looked, as I read my own words as if a disinterested[2] observer, like I might have been criticising the OP. No, just myself.
[2] Yes, I mean "disinterested", not "uninterested".
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Topic: So I believe I may be disconnecting from reality... (Read 1816 times)