Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[fenrif]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

This is my warden. His powers shall be a completely inappropriate sense of whimsey and a total lack of competence for his job.

...And a snazzy purple suit.

[Catastrophic lolcats]

So I was bored and I had a couple beers so I decided to make up a little character. I started writing and apparently I didn't stop. Got a little carried away but hopefully someone will enjoy it.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

“It is not in my interest to punish or to rehabilitate; only to contain and observe. It is with this gift that my studies continue.”
-Pieter Van Vuuren
Bachelor of Biology, Doctorate of Political Science, honoris causa, University of Cape Town.

On his early life:
Pieter Van Vuuren is an enigma of a man who's personal and family history is shrouded in mystery. Born in the Cape province of South Africa in 1948 he spent his youth growing up in the shadow of the Apartheid era. It is documented that this unique political situation intrigued Van Vuuren even an early life. Speculations often agree that this sparked Van Vuuren academic achievement in the field of sociology.

Van Vuuren was an extremely bright individual who excelled in academic achievement and soon found himself at the University Cape Town studying Biology. Van Vuuren started to express distaste for the subject during his second year but still completed the course. After the degree he went straight back to studying Political Science where he found his true calling.

The Van Vuuren family remains a mystery much as Pieter himself. Gathered evidence seems to indicate that the dynasty was German in origin and seemed to have moved to South Africa just before the birth of Pieter and changed it's name to Van Vuuren. It is rumoured but not confirmed that Pieter's father may have been a discredited German scientist that attempted to escape war trials. If these rumours are true it might be another reason for Van Vuuren's interest in science and the strained relationship with his father.

On his later life:
Van Vuuren although achieving great academic success became rather infamous for his political and “scientific” views. He was a firm and avid supporter of racial superiority and Social Darwinism. His thesis: “On the Sub-Saharan Tribal Culture and the Relation to Primate Society” met extreme resistance in the United Kingdom and other academic facilities and there was calls for him to be discredited from the scientific community. The University choose not to not suspend the study of Van Vuuren but his Thesis is still not published or displayed in many academic facilities internationally.
Van Vuuren completed university and went straight to freelance solo research. His research was often first-hand field studies of societies, usually tribal, which he would then compare to animal societies. His work was well received by avid supporters of the Afrikaans government at first and he even reserved government grants at times. 

Van Vuuren's research slowly turned more bitter and less objective. Van Vuuren's research like the Apartheid government was slowly crumpling and Van Vuuren soon found himself poor, alone and disliked in the community. His research finally halted for good in 1973 when the scientific community seeked to fully discredit and excommunicate him if he continued to publish his work. Van Vuuren swallowed his pride and complied.

Van Vuuren drifted through many jobs but never found his calling. His now fairly discredited name did him no favours. It was until 1982 that a surprising opportunity of becoming a prison warden in Gash-Barka, Eritrea.

On the Grand Gash-Barka Prison:
This was no simple Western gaol. The Grand Gash-Barka was planned as an oubliette for both the worst criminals the country had to offer as well as enemies of the state that couldn't be executed. The original prison suffered from an extreme lack of funds, utility, man power and space. Van Vuuren struggled in the first few years to meet the over whelming demands of the prisons benefactors.
One day out of seemly the blue, Van Vuuren had an idea for an easy to maintain prison system. He opted to use the small collection of catacombs that lay below the prison instead of trying to rebuild the facility. He expanded the catacombs into a long series of caves and tunnels. From there the process would be an extremely simple, turning over the catacombs to complete prisoner control and letting the prisoners fend for themselves and only dropping supplies down every few days.

Van Vuuren soon began to get completely enthralled by the societies and hierarchies the prisoners constructed. He had special viewing stations installed in the roof and was soon doing more research in secret. 
The Grand Gash-Barka Prison as it came to be known preformed extremely well and preformed all the tasks Van Vuuren's employers were seeking. This performance turned out to be it's out doing when over crowding and disease threaten to end the prison. 
It was finally decided that the prison had to be expanded and Van Vuuren didn't want to risk guard life and money to expand it. The prisoners had become extremely disgruntled with the living arrangements and were starting to look like they were to explode in a full riot. Van Vuuren unwisely decided to send down mining equipment hoping to placate the mob with the freedom to expand their own home. 
This plan failed and the prisoners instead used the weapons on each other resulting in a blood bath before attempting to dig their way out. The riot was ended when the military was called in and all the prisoners shot dead. The Grand Gash-Braka Prison was no more.

Van Vuuren suffered some hardship for the loss of his prison but he still had a small fortune to fal back on. In 1992 he attempted to rebuild a prison with the same design but U.N. peace keeping forces soon became aware of Van Vuuren's actions and he was declared a war crimial.

Van Vuuren is still on the run and is said to be hiding, possibly in another African country possibly attempting to start a new prison.
U.N. forces raided the home of Vuuren early after his fleeing and found evidence of disturbing “research” which the nature of has not been released to the public.

On his "powers"
Smart, merciless, heartless.
Van Vuuren's surprisely silver tongue can grease the wheel for further funding.
His unsuppressed dedication to his work makes him extremely knowledge about the working of his prison, expect no escapees!.

I assume there's also a whole bunch of spelling and grammar mistakes in there.
Cheers!

[Knight of Fools]

Sir Sanchez was a colonel in Her Majesty's army for twenty years, and was well known for carrying a whip around with him to "encourage lazy dogs". He gained renown for valor in rallying troops during the rebellion of Nonexistia with the clever use of his whip and a megaphone, when all of his superiors ran or made the mistake of dying. Scant minutes before the rebels surrendered, Sanchez suffered a direct hit from a rocket propelled grenade, which failed to explode but left him with a severe concussion. His last request was to meet the Queen. Nonexistia is well known for its native Funny Hat crop, of which the Queen is a well known connoisseur, so she granted his request and showed her gratitude to Sanchez by knighting him while he lay on his hospital bed.

After being knighted, he fell into a coma. Three years later, his life support was removed. He immediately woke up, proclaimed that "lazy dogs all over the world must be caged", and began a surprisingly successful career in the prison industry.

Today, Sir Sanchez wields his whip with great skill and/or hatred of all lazy dogs. He wears an explorer's uniform, complete with monocle, hat, and whiskey bottle.

He can drive workers to work harder, and cow prisoners into behaving themselves with a combination of his whip, loud voice, ginormous mustache, and impossible to understand British accent. If things start to go very badly, he can pull out his souvenir rocket and use it as a club. No one is sure whether this is a good idea or not, but it makes a great YouTube video once the security footage is leaked.

[Itnetlolor]

After winning the BL2 giveaway, I can say that hemminjay is full of win, farts rainbows, and deserves a cookie. Not entering, though. Not yet. *evil cackle*

If I farted rainbows, I'd see a doctor immediately.

I'd be more worried if the fart is over-trusted, and he ends up crapping skittles.

[Vactor]

Khan Vicht,

No one is sure how Vicht earned his wardenship.  Records on him have only been traced back three years, and his resume, upon review, seems more like a shoddy forgery than anything else.

Khan Vicht, gains cash bonuses for every prisoner to escape, but suffers from much higher penalties for the failures of his prison.

[Paul]

This game looks interesting. Thanks to Hemmingjay for yet another giveaway.

My warden is William Barnaby Hasty. A one time judge, he is most known for his summary execution of a criminal found guilty of murder. It was only after the impromptu firing squad shot him down on the courthouse steps that his lawyer acquired proof of his innocence. After that debacle, he moved on to a short-lived lawn care business before the fiasco surrounding his throwing a client's beloved pet in a wood chipper. Since then, he found his way back to his first love - the justice system - and has decided to open a prison to contain the scum of the Earth.

His special ability is the power to summarily execute difficult prisoners with an impromptu firing squad, although the fallout from doing so may prove once again to be his downfall.

[hemmingjay]

After winning the BL2 giveaway, I can say that hemminjay is full of win, farts rainbows, and deserves a cookie. Not entering, though. Not yet. *evil cackle*

If I farted rainbows, I'd see a doctor immediately.

I'd be more worried if the fart is over-trusted, and he ends up crapping skittles.

Sigged!

[Girlinhat]

If I say "Me with a large billy club" is that descriptive enough?  I should think that "The warden is Girlinhat" would describe what you'd expect pretty accurately enough already.

[Pnx]

If I say "Me with a large billy club" is that descriptive enough?  I should think that "The warden is Girlinhat" would describe what you'd expect pretty accurately enough already.

Except I don't really know what you look like or act like... except that you apparently make chainmail stuff and are a fennec fox

[Girlinhat]

This is the face of your warden:
http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=91093.0

[Kusgnos]

Not going to enter, just admiring generosity. Good luck to everyone!

[Neyvn]

Damn hemmingjay, you always have shit to give away, either your secretly Bill Gates/Notch/Bruce Wane or you have the best job in the world as a Game Reviewer/Producer or something...

Entering...

My Prison Warden would be the kind that made sure that everyone has what they need, want and everything of the like. My Prison would be paradise where you commit a crime just to live in bliss. But if you try and break out for some reason, the Warden would make sure that you would be beaten, broken and shattered in secret, that you would be beaten with the worlds thickest phone booth and then turn you into a brainless sack of spuds that would never see the light of day ever again, your body would disappear and no one would ask why, because you are erased from records and memory...

[Majestic7]

Warden Hannibal Rogers is known for two things; excellent social skills and reputation as a gourmet cook. For some reason, the prison kitchens are never short of fresh meat. Inmates enjoy constantly good, meat-based diet. Occasionally, the most troublesome prisoners...disappear, but they've been just transferred, right? Surely it has nothing to do with how well stocked the prison kitchens are. Nope, no sirrreee.

Hannibal has the power to make the most troubling prisoners disappear and serve delicious meatpies to the other inmates afterwards. Doing it too often will cause an official investigation.

[yarr]

Urist McWarden
Power: Research 25% slower because he is always drunk

[Darvi]

Don't Urists get better when drunk?