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I am small and neutral, like Switzerland

[Taupe]

Spoiler: Prelude (click to show/hide)

Its 8am and I'm popping open a bottle of wine. I have a problem. I expected to lose half an hour on a complicated corkscrew, but it simply twist and comes off easily. Ah, australia, a land where every insect bite could be the last. People could be dying any second, and they need to access their booze this instant. Australia is a lot like dwarf fortress. Everything outside your walls want you dead, the nobility is really fucking annoying, and the place was founded by a bunch of misfits the old government obviously didnt want around anymore.

Smoking Bay, how appropriate for a wine's name. We have a bay, and it will smoke unless everything goes as planed (it wont). In the last episode, I tried to turn the ROOM of EVERYWARE into the room of EVERYWOE. It's like, sometimes you want to differentiate yourself from your neighbors and competitors, in extreme ways. Like pizza hut has the cheese crust, which you can apparently copyright? Us, we have a room full of wares, but it is located nexty to another, bigger room full of more wares. So obviously we needed something special. So I figured (rather, sang) that maybe with pets the room would be special. This somewhat failed when I noticed all caverns were full of forgotten beasts. Then I tried to get candy, for candy statues, but I may have accidentally fucked up everything and dug the candy right into a lava pit. Oups.

So, obviously, between turns I came to a great realisation. there's one thing the other room doesn't have that we could get. Demons.

Anyway, stay tuned. I shall now drinki while playing some Mussorgsky until the notes no longer make any sense. You can already feel the fortress burning...

Spoiler: The actual, glorious turn (click to show/hide)

Alright, so. this wine tastes terrible. like serrious. Now i dunno what i expected or anything. i guess thats why people just use textures and colors and styles to choose a wine instead of names. or australian. Last time i got someone to complain that my turns were too readables or something. well that aint one of those turns. i woke up at 8, havent ate anything since yesterday afternoon, and this thing hurts liek crazy. i dont care. we are petting demons and helling pets and stuff. I have zero patience for anything thats not the aROOM fo everEVERYWOE.

i decide that flapping my hands on the piano randomly for 5 minutes while screaming fiiiiiiish, fisssssh, fishfishfish is as goosd as any time to start this turn.


*   *   *   *

Ok all i gotta do is just, connect the room to the magma thing using secret passages that never touch the base. yaknow that one thing i tried to do last game and flooded the fortress twice.

OH STATUES WE NEED THEM TOO
and pets. oh wait we have those.
mnot for long tho.
dont bring a pet to a swordfight. especially when the swords are demons

*   *   *   *   *   *

now we ewait for the tunnel.

block the entrances!
EVERYONE A MINER
quick make like 50 picks i dont care.
TYHE STATUES PLACE THE STATUES.
mORE WARES, MOOOORE
WE NEED A FUCKING GRANDIOSE ROOM BITCHES.
WHAT ITS NOT smoothed caps lock oups.
Make the engravers now.
engravings.
engravers we have.
This room si beautiful now, so beauitufl.


*   *   *   *   *   *
wow 200 gold statues when did i
oh right.
anyway the room is full of wares can place em.
quick build the new room.
the leetters fill them with empty then statues
yup thatll work.

we may unleash adamantine on the world before we accidentally dem,ons.
I told the dudes to fill the newest dong with raw adamantine if they should find some. Its the perfect stone to run away with when demons suddenly happen.
why is my new secret tunnel not...
how
oh
forgot to not suck with ramps agauin.
block it up, wall it up, walk over it DNA MINE MORE DAMNIT
hey dude
fuck your bucket
obviously filling the magma sea with buckets wont work we tried.
result is not.
stop
stop bucketing.
when we get a ship youll be the bucketeer but not now.

No picks? how many iron do we
oh you dont have an office
well good luck with that im busy
we also dont have soldiers.
like seven.
if my plan fails we are all BONED

*   *   *   *   *   *
Oh shit quick whats cryolite AND is it magmasafe

*   *   *   *   *   *

All the wares, all the times. statues, pets, stuff, letters, omg so cool.
worth mentioning that once the rROOM fof EVERYWOE is online all of this stuff becomes no longer reachable.
also itllm probably be set aflame.
Are you seriously gonna miss this...
this...
''mica figurine of a dwarf''?
no youre not.
you probably didnt know we had that.
why do we have that.
its neither a taco nor a dong.
who made this shit.


also that lever in a small corridor left of the room?
yeah never ever touch that ever.

*  * * * * **** * ** * * *** ** *
Whaaaaat

holy what you dudes, this square is like, nowhere, surounded by unrevealed terrain, and it apparently contains nothing. it doesnt register. Its like roomcarnage all over again
AND ITS IN THE WAY OF MY AWESOME SECRET PASSAGE

Summer has arrived.
minus 30 population
+5 degrees.

So, moving every single thing lyuing around in the fortress to a single point takes time
who knew
i didnt
my time table didnt
now we are behind this arbritrarly schedule uuugh those words
WE ARE LATE IS WHAT.
and nobody is ready to unleash the pets.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *

wow doso purple.
the room is so filled with miasma its intense.
but dont judge its ok
rotting corpses are a ware too.
Stop judging its cool.

i want to mroe drunk but this wine is so uggh
beer
beer is my friend.
i grab a beer or two while the ghost of Vodcoke stares at me.
Judging.
dont judge me ghost of vodcoke,


The humans are here
Everyone is going outside to grab stuff in a pile of traps.
wait we have any form of defense?
i assumed wishful climat changes were our main line of subsistance.
anyway moar ware.

oh great more haulers
i mean migrants
same thing.
I aint dwarfing ya.
whats that, rules and consequences?
uggh geese no, dont force me to drink.
ill never do it.

today on dwarfing makes me nervous.
''RAM'' has cooked
... a masterful meal.
PWell played, ptrevious overseer, well played.

*   * * * *  *  *    *    * *

just a heads up, maybe dopnt maybe just dont trust the inventory screen once this area gets locked.
like maybe the 20 spears we have are not readily available.
and also on fire.
so yeah, maybe dont assume we actualy own things from now on.
Boy its been two hours how long does it take to unleash MOTHERFUCKING HELL.
Well fuck those ramps and innapropriate dig squaresd and whatnot
we are making a staircase.
so simple, so ugly.
no longer care.

Werll, thanks to this fort i learned somethign about ramps.
i still cant tell WHAT i learned
but im fairly sure i learned SOMETHING.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

so mooorwe details about the F u c k from last turn. i accidentally dug down into the only safwe are which i could use to access the bottom of the thing. the spire. whatever. so now i need to divert a water sea into the fire sea to seal the hole so i can dig into it so i can unleash demons.
thats right
i suck so bad at tyhis game that even when all my preparations are complete i cannot, in fact, unleash hell upon the fortress.
Picture this.
im currently too bad to unleash hell on the fort.
thats like.
wow.

see the closest diggable square connects to the magma sea.


hilariously enough i must now fill this exact tunnel with the very same water pool i accidentaly flooded the other tunnel with previously. this will be stupid, long and dull. i hate this fucking game.


protip dont mess with this
like i inadvbeWORD the levers to the wrong things and the notes dont match
so activating the seals also flooded the fortress with magma once more
not MUUUCH of it but still.
nothing good comes of fucking with this room.
i dont know how it work and i made this thing.
its badf
stay away.

*   *   *   *   *   *


only like ten more levels yay


DOESNT MATTER GREAT NEWS OMG WHAT WOW OH YAY SWEET HELL OMG GEE!
Lord motherfucking Tacos (with special taco office) is now a baron.
Get ready for latenight snack special mandates.


This is just TOO EXCZITING I MUST WITHDRAWN FROM SOCIETY.


uggh i claimed a craftdwarf workshop im such a useless bum
still better than staring at this corridor while it fills with water tho.
also Bob Supernova has been re-elected. His name is so cool, and half the fort is made of bobnovas. Its almost like a rigged election.


i mean its a bit late since everything is already flooding, but.
i made a grate
its made of alpaca bones and thus cannot be destroyed.
Its funny because yesterday i started a band called Goatslide Legacy.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8LnHIODRMM
the world has frozen once more
it looks sos much like this...
lets listen to it together.



aaaaand obsidian here we go. Kachink!
also, corridor still filled with water, fuck.
still, its almost a step tioward a direction.


Thankfully i have a new invention,.
the choo-choo tdrain
once dug out and channeled, it will expand areas.
for water
exapand the awwater
then it melts freeze evaporates.
great success.

Even the ghosts think this place is great
choo, choo, boouh!


*   *   *   *   *

Are we still doing thuis?

fuck life, fguck love, fuck your intolerance to streams of steam. channel all this fuckign water into the maga sea. i dont care ho9w many die
except lord mister taco.
disable all labors yo.


Tell me more.
i care


after a thouand years we are ready to harvest candy and accidentally unleash demons.
seal that wall leading to lava
dont want some fucking dumb thing running trough the workshops.


*   *   *   *   *   *   *

so thats hell.
Lovely.
also, i would suggest running now.


yup running sounds good.
also youytube just booted the king k rool theme. How appriopriate!
begin the partyy.

*   *   *   *   *   *

Vomit monster, sounds actually fitting.
Dove... fiend?
Thats both terrifying and laughable.
like, its a dove. but from...hell?
Also our fps is 1
that wasnt in the brochure. the previous fps was 45.
I wish it wasnt so.

Our fps is currently none.
We dont have an fps.
thats just...
not good.

Naryar was the l;ucky dwarf to open the gateway.
apparently a Dove fiend
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
im sorry i cant narrate this
so.
Naryar was mining when he opened a portal to hell.
then a dove fiend
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
so a diove fiend
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
it come out of the portal. to hell. its a dove
ASHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
And grabs Naryar by the tongue. Naryar gets grabbed by the tongue by a dove. from hell
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Then the dov the thing. grabs his tongue and uses it to violently extract all the guts and organs from the dwarf's body in a fell swoop. his head explodes into gore in the process.
ok thats not very funny anymore
i dont think i enjoy doves much anymore.

i seriously hope the bridge isd linked properly.

The leader of the dove fiend (aLOL) leads the charge, and named himself Fightscald.
I dont even know anymore.


Wait the bridge
how did it not
the bridge didnt raise
the lever is pulled but
oh shit
oh super shit
quiock build wa wa a waaaaalllll


Ah nevermind, it worked,. just took a bit of time.
Everything is fine now. the room is sealed and the fps is back to normal.
everyone is happy.
Unless you were one of the 5 dwarves on the bridge.
or if you are on this picture right now

If you are on this picture then your life most likely will become way less fun way fast.
Happy halloween!
Oh shit im in there oh sh!!!!


list of people who'se life sucks:
--The floodgate blocking the lower level. aparently floodgates arent bridges and can be destroyesd.
SAo basically hell is about to fill up with water and theres fuckall we can do about this ever.
--Fishoruke. Fishoruke is like a fish, because hes now deep in the water and also getting flung around. According to text hes good at sliding on his belly. Hes also delicious, so demons think. (dead)
-- the flaaaaaaaaame is six foot in front of the demon army. he doesnt know the way is sealed so lets not tell him and see how fast he can go, and how far. Good fucking luck mate.
--Naryar. like, its another naryar, but the one that already died was ''another naryar'' so this one is just a regular normal naryar. also a jedi.
...aint gonna save him tho.
--The ghost of redWarrior. I have good hopes fro this one.
--MarcAFK, not a keyboard. Very close in front of naryar and the ghost. I believe in u
--Rough blue garnet. too pretty to die. I think this one makes it.
--Smart elves. If that were true they wouldnt be here.
--immigrant kamin. bet he regrets his life choices
--urist mcgrounchalot, LOL-er, shoruke v0.3, Taupe, Fishoruke (what he made it upstairs?) rovod the miller, wrexed turn, naika, bobnova x4, and atis the strand extractor. all made it to the ROOM OF EVERYWOE. I may be able to save em?
Also my dwarf is sleeping in there.

naryar is second to die. That makes all casualties Naryar so far. SFishoruke is flung around and almost dronwd, but survives due to... being a fish. he runs ahead of everyone and reached the room somehow. I dont even.

spiderwebbed looks super chill, wont pursue, simply sits on the latest naryar corpse. Ok. do not disturb.


original plan: pull the backup bridge, seal demons out, evacuate room
implementarion: none
result: everything dies horribly
conclusion: wow demons are pretty fast yo.
Solution: seal the room, seal the bridge, seal the levers, never touch it again.


*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

AFTERMATH
hALF THE DEMONS ARE STUCK IN THE ROOM FO EVERYWOE
THE OTHER HALF BACKED UP AND WERE KILLED BY THE FLOODING SECTION WHICH THEY INADVERTANTLY TRIGGERED.
We now have a room filled with fire and webs and demons and half of everything we own is on fire forever
Only twenty five people died, evicerated in gruesome ways by doves from hell.
Half the fortress is filling with magma
Half of whats left is filling with water
I henceforth declare this turn a success.

The save is here and it is awesome.

[Omeganaut]

i decide that flapping my hands on the piano randomly for 5 minutes while screaming fiiiiiiish, fisssssh, fishfishfish is as goosd as any time to start this turn.

I couldn't have said it better myself!

[Taupe]

i decide that flapping my hands on the piano randomly for 5 minutes while screaming fiiiiiiish, fisssssh, fishfishfish is as goosd as any time to start this turn.

I couldn't have said it better myself!

Its as good as any a rendition of the windfish theme.

[Yoink]

Ah, australia, a land where every insect bite could be the last. People could be dying any second, and they need to access their booze this instant.

Australia is a lot like dwarf fortress. Everything outside your walls want you dead, the nobility is really fucking annoying, and the place was founded by a bunch of misfits the old government obviously didnt want around anymore.

I wanna sig one of these but I can't decide which I like more. >.>
The actual drunk part of the turn is great so far, too! Even if I'm not sure quite what is going on/what Glorious Overseer is trying to achieve. 

[Taupe]

Aaaaand it's done. Save will be up shortly. great success. now we are much cooler than any other random stockpile.
Also wow, I made a random drawing of the dove based on what i assumed a dove from hell would look like but holy shit Look at the actual description of Fightscald.

[Kamin]

Ah, australia, a land where every insect bite could be the last. People could be dying any second, and they need to access their booze this instant.

Australia is a lot like dwarf fortress. Everything outside your walls want you dead, the nobility is really fucking annoying, and the place was founded by a bunch of misfits the old government obviously didnt want around anymore.

I wanna sig one of these but I can't decide which I like more. >.>

So much this. Never did I know Taupe for such a wordsmith!

[Chevaleresse]

Still lurking this thread, btw. The last turn was... something. I second the declaration of success.

[TD1]

Thirded.

I laughed when Naryar turned out to be the only casualty.

Well, until the other 20 odd.

[Taupe]

My favorite part was reading all the combat logs from thw drowning demons. It mentionned no action or events, only philosophical quotes about life and death and the meaning of existence. Then they simply vanished. Seriously we went from 95 DEMONS to maybe 40, and all I had to do was fail at hydrolics.

[Vyro]

I am taking a turn now. You know the drill, you love it.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

This is going to be my humble company for tonight. Rank and file coke, a bottle of moose piss for symbolic ramp and leftovers of my favorite cherry wine. What's that "Orange" stuff you say? Wish I'd knew in more details. It is moonshine. Moonshine on some tribal herbs, about 50-60 degrees strong from the taste of it. I call it Shaman's blood. Because it BURNS.

This stuff doesn't really look like an overwhelming amount of booze, but to my bizarre anatomy in general and savaged liver in particular this is a lot to go through. Wish me well. Also, I am terribly sorry about my absence last time, for I didn't remember how I got home when I did back then, and playing Dorf Fortress wasn't on the direct route of "Door-Bathroom-Bed". Now, without further ado, let the Drunk Fortress commence!

[Shoruke]

We now have a room filled with fire and webs and demons and half of everything we own is on fire forever
Only twenty five people died, evicerated in gruesome ways by doves from hell.
Half the fortress is filling with magma
Half of whats left is filling with water
I henceforth declare this turn a success.

Can we make, like, placards of this and post it on the thread so everyone browsing the Community Games board can see what this thread is like in brief? Because this so perfectly epitomizes Drunk Fortress. Well done.

[Taupe]

We now have a room filled with fire and webs and demons and half of everything we own is on fire forever
Only twenty five people died, evicerated in gruesome ways by doves from hell.
Half the fortress is filling with magma
Half of whats left is filling with water
I henceforth declare this turn a success.

Can we make, like, placards of this and post it on the thread so everyone browsing the Community Games board can see what this thread is like in brief? Because this so perfectly epitomizes Drunk Fortress. Well done.

Thank you, good sir. If people feel the same, then maybe we could put it somewhere in the OP or something. Or maybe on the trope page, I dunno.

[Kamin]

I am taking a turn now. You know the drill, you love it.

FLOW, MY TEARS

[Vyro]

Alright, time to piece this shit together. However much there is.

Captain’s log, two minutes to midnight.
Boozing up, listening to good music. Hey, this really tastes like moose piss. Hate to be correct at times. Why am I such a cheapskate?
The drone is rising up. Forgot coke back at the kitchen, good. Pop that shit open! Satyricon s unusually relaxing tonight.
Bathroom breaks are becoming longer and harder The eyes hsve trouble fixing on one spot. Suddenly the moonshine is not that bad. I’m on my way therte/
alright, I think I’m ready to embrace the .. the situation. Loading up thr save

Fuck. Me/ Sideways. oh qhat could have possibly gone wrong since the last save I checked? Its not like smbody could mess up things more than they areafy were right? right? Now its like someone took a calculated feffrot of doing the most insane thing practically possibl and got away with it. I can imagine him walking on the balcony in his gown smoking a sig and going “yeahh now that’s how you screw a fortress man”. And now its my problem, that’s the wordst part. Hang on a minute now I need to stare all perp
lexed like at this giant misshapen suppository driven right up this fort’s cancerous butthole.
"i ave a badd feelin abotyut this"

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Alright so we’ve got no military or weapon-grade metals and we’ve just taken a cvrew of daemon s onboradrd. half died before in a drainage acident or whatevr. lovely stuff. the living uarters look like symmetry fucked insanity in some dark pub and never callld back and I need a leak brb
hurrrrrrrr alright. time ta dorf stuff

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

another life, another time

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

well no sh!t you need, go do ur job yiu asshole you, military brokers ar bad at ther job

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

who stle from them elves, again? Thode apple wood dildoes with pictures of elves on them are so damn valuable aren’t they? Oh, scuse me, *grown* apple woob dildoes! also, who in the right mind would stockpile bloody clay people? I need another shoit I do.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Alright, guess its time to build the good ol’ Godhammer pattern grinder.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

theres a llamah sleeping on a bed, yes, take it as you wikll
quantumizing stuff, this place is a mess. how do I quantumize stuff agaim?..
this geology iz kinda weiad, now im gonna flex my magic and.... .

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

welp, no fun allowed here, do we start droppibg dolden statues on demon heads or what?
OKAY I GET IT! the stomack gave me a subytle hint. I SHALT PREVAIL!!

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Yesss, that’s what I’m talkig about – DA GODHAMMER!! IT MAEKS DA LAUD BOOM!
pets? nah, you aint allowed to keep any pets. This is a military outpost, not a petting zoo. You sjould ave applied to Bumfuck Rivendel in the forest along the way – the pointy pricks will surely appreciate ur effort and dietary variety you’ll bring. Dorks. Why can’t I feel my legs anymore?

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

welp, at least this guy gt the right idea…

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

*insrt a loid sad fart sounsd hetere* geat, the game kinda.. ... deflated a bt.. DF!! Y U DO THIS TO ME?!

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

urrrrrrghh… agaimn

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

OKAY OKAY I GET IT! son of a…

This concludes the intelligible part. Sometime later I ran the save on a stronger machine (and kinda sober). Spent about an hour before the game crashed trying to save. No error message, no nothing. It just ceased to be. Apparently it hates me for some reason.
I am officially never touching Shaman’s Blood ever again. The last time left me wondering who am I and why the stomach wants to exit via my throat with the rest of the digestive tract, for several hours. And that’s not the worst part even. This thing goes rather well but has a kickback like a sledgehammer to the balls, the forehead and then the balls again.

Sadly, I seem to be incapable of finishing the turn no matter how hard I try. Carry on, without me. Dorf me the guy from my story, the butcher that likes night ogres and respects the law. Put him as a Guard Captain (I AM THE LAW), give him an axe and make him train 27/7. Yes, a combat axe. What could possibly go worse than things already are?
Also, I'd recommend completing quantum-pile of everycrap and the Godhammer, unless you want to abandon or build something overly complicated instead that will surely misfire, and you like that kind of stuff.

[Taupe]

...It was like that when I found it I swear.