It all started when our over-heralded star, Tawarochir, woke up in a lemur-infested moor. It was the first time it had happened. Feeling abnormally exasperated, Tawarochir slapped a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he realized that his beloved staff was missing! Immediately he called his best-friend, technicallyAdventurer. Tawarochir had known technicallyAdventurer for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were flamboyant ones. technicallyAdventurer was unique. She was congenial though sometimes a little... funny-smelling. Tawarochir called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.
technicallyAdventurer picked up to a very unhappy Tawarochir. technicallyAdventurer calmly assured him that most long-haired sea monkeys sigh before mating, yet spotted wolf hamsters usually explosively panic *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Tawarochir. Why was technicallyAdventurer trying to distract Tawarochir? Because she had snuck out from Tawarochir's with the staff only three days prior. It was a electric little staff... how could she resist?
It didn't take long before Tawarochir got back to the subject at hand: his staff. technicallyAdventurer cringed. Relunctantly, technicallyAdventurer invited him over, assuring him they'd find the staff. Tawarochir grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, technicallyAdventurer realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the staff and she had to do it randomly. She figured that if Tawarochir took the best-in-its-so-called-'class' sedan, she had take at least ten minutes before Tawarochir would get there. But if he took the magic broom? Then technicallyAdventurer would be ridiculously screwed.
Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, technicallyAdventurer was interrupted by eleven clueless muppets that were lured by her staff. technicallyAdventurer belched; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling worried, she aggressively reached for her dangerous oil-soaked rag and recklessly attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the magic broom rolling up. It was Tawarochir.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running late. With a quick leap, Tawarochir was out of the magic broom and went scandalously jaunting toward technicallyAdventurer's front door. Meanwhile inside, technicallyAdventurer was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the staff into a box of live hand grenades and then slid the box behind her canoe. technicallyAdventurer was concerned but at least the staff was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' technicallyAdventurer explosively purred. With a calculated push, Tawarochir opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive coke fiend in a gas-guzzling, ecology-destroying, tankish SUV,' he lied. 'It's fine,' technicallyAdventurer assured him. Tawarochir took a seat alarmingly close to where technicallyAdventurer had hidden the staff. technicallyAdventurer cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Tawarochir was distracted. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, technicallyAdventurer noticed a oafish look on Tawarochir's face. Tawarochir slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
technicallyAdventurer felt a stabbing pain in her fingernail when Tawarochir asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the staff right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on Tawarochir's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's wolverines from when she used to have pet man-eating capybaras. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Tawarochir nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before technicallyAdventurer could react, Tawarochir fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The staff was plainly in view.
Tawarochir stared at technicallyAdventurer for what what must've been two microseconds. Giggling like schoolgirl, technicallyAdventurer groped exotically in Tawarochir's direction, clearly desperate. Tawarochir grabbed the staff and bolted for the door. It was locked. technicallyAdventurer let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Tawarochir,' she rebuked. technicallyAdventurer always had been a little dimwitted, so Tawarochir knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before technicallyAdventurer did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at her or something. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he gripped his staff tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
technicallyAdventurer looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Tawarochir. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Tawarochir. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. technicallyAdventurer walked over to the window and looked down. Tawarochir was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Tawarochir was struggling to make his way through the fanstic pumpkin patch behind technicallyAdventurer's place. Tawarochir had severely hurt his prostate during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral muppets suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the staff. One by one they latched on to Tawarochir. Already weakened from his injury, Tawarochir yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of muppets running off with his staff.
About six hours later, Tawarochir awoke, his armpit throbbing. It was dark and Tawarochir did not know where he was. Deep in the hazy lemur-infested moor, Tawarochir was ridiculously lost. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he remembered that his staff was taken by the muppets. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a shrunken muppet emerged from the fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the alpha muppet. Tawarochir opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the muppet sunk its teeth into Tawarochir's taint. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Tawarochir's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than three miles away, technicallyAdventurer was entombed by anguish over the loss of the staff. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened ninja star. With a hasty thrust, she buried it deeply into her fingernail. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Tawarochir... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the staff that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant muppets, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end.
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Topic: Above user in a nutshell: Forgotten beast edition (Read 1282714 times)