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Author Topic: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell - Please do not feed the nobles  (Read 578686 times)

SethCreiyd

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1080 on: November 13, 2012, 04:00:13 am »

My thanks and applause go to the previous overseers for making such a delightfully insane fortress; it's been a fantastic read.

I can't recall my first words after seeing this fort, but I know they were expletives.

So my dwarf lost a leg, and got kicked outside?

Sweet.

May I request another dorfing?

Done, along with lots of other dorfings on the list, thanks to a migrant wave.  However, given this place and its likelihood of a swift death, I'm thinking to wait on posting the unit list until the end of the turn.




From the Diary of Sethrist Orsharlokum, Overseer to the Baron Kozothungék:

Snowblind, having depleted our rations, subsisting on ice and fear of the cold, it stands a miracle that the storm came on us as late as it did.  All the same, I fear that without Silverlock's uncanny tracking abilities, we would each still be out there, frozen in death with all the other corpses.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Party of Migrants:
  • Sethrist, Emissary of Emaltekkud
    Kaamen, Mining Jeweler
    Silverlock, Sharpshooting Glassmaker
    Mr Frog, Harmless Bystander
    Kirby, Soap Warrior
    Deathsword, Cthonic Cultist
    Mr Snyde, Child Smith

This is as fell a land as I've ever seen.  To the west, a vast malodorous plain of ooze suffocates the bones of those who perished therein.  To the eastern woods from whence we emerged, the vines of the forest writhe and squirm in quiet rage as frost-covered eyeballs emerge from the brush to unnerve and take note of intruders.  The land here itself is aware - though I could not not say alive, how mingled with death and hateful of life as it is.  It may be that those whose bodies rot here find their flesh absorbed into a great organized decay, wholly dedicated to its own promulgation and all too capable of maintaining it.


An odd sight lay to the north, where a dwarven figure strode calmly through the storm, straddling a wooden bin in her arms.  An obvious vampire, her bloodparched and pale skin gleaming even brighter than the surrounding snow, her eyes were sunken, blackened pits, cracked and oozing a foulness not dissimilar to the noxious ooze blanketing half the terrain.  I would later learn more of this vampire, whom the undead consider kindred.  None of us dared approach or make ourselves known.  At the time, it was only a curious sight before terror would inspire a change of pace.


At first, there were only a few skeletons, on the very outskirts of the fort's territory.  As we drew inward, their number grew.  By the time our spotters caught sight of the lookout tower, we could notice that some of their number were moving.

Panic broke out then, as everyone made a maddened dash for the tower and its presumed safety.  We could still outrun the stiffened abominations, however animate they might be, but a worry crossed me even as we sprinted across the ice.  Would these dwarves even let us inside?

This worry soon passed.  The marksdwarves had seen us from their lookout, and already there were fighters - some well protected, some completely naked - charging out into the blizzard from beneath the trapdoor that would serve as our passage to sanctuary.  Steering towards them, I risked a glance behind as Silverlock let fly a bolt square into the skull of an undead dog, finally bringing it to a rest.  A kindness.  What manner of creature would ask to be a zombie?

What manner of creature would choose to live amongst them?  I couldn't help wondering, passing through the creaking board and down the muddy dirt steps, coated in sweat and snowmelt.  It was warmer in the fort, at the least, the clay walls serving their purpose in utility if not aesthetics.

My party and I had come only for the orders of King Avuz.  Nothing else could bring us to such a place.  Uncertainty amid the frozen waste is better a fate than certain death in a dungeon.  His Majesty would likely come in the night to drain us of blood himself.*

When the last of us were beneath the ground, the denizens of Horrorfailed followed us inside and threw the lock on the hatch.  I was told that the local innkeeper was injured and trapped outside, and was unlikely to survive.  We must never forget that he gave his life for ours.


Mr. Frog had counted the footprints leading to this place, numbering well over two hundred. There are more tombs here, than there are people.  Without an extreme change of circumstance, I do not favor our own chances of long-term survival.

Spoiler: The Entrance Hall (click to show/hide)

I've never seen a fort like this, so wracked by the constant struggle to live.  Beyond our muddy entrances, a sandy tunnel sweeps around the aquifer responsible for our drinking water.  There are six levers surrounding the main stair, four of them unlabelled, two of them not even connected to anything.  Stairs are half-built or end at the ceiling, when the steps are at least in the expected spots.  Scattered haphazardly throughout the rock underneath are workshops and stockpiles set against winding tunnels spiraling recklessly into one another after a wide turn, if not ending in great empty spaces.  The numberless rooms are as varied as they are mysterious.

Like this.  The hell is this?

There is one room where a small menagerie of skeletal monsters and severed heads gnaw angrily on the bars of their cages.  The doors barely serve to subdue their unnatural wailing.  I'm certain they can serve some useful purpose, but for now they are merely a dreadful nuisance.  Yet another room is devoted to a collection of dwarven teeth whose purpose I cannot fathom.

The watchtower that somehow managed to get built was constructed without walls.  Our Trade Depot, having seen a surprising amount of business, is entirely covered in somebody's vomit.  The entrance hall is barely more than a bloodsoaked mound of dirt, and dwarves fashion themselves in barren, roughly-hewn bedrooms, most residents lacking even a single bag to secure their possessions.  Yet there is much potential here.  An endless supply of water, more than enough food.  And the rumors of adamantine were not unfounded.


It took a small while to find the expedition leader and Baron Apparent, one Eric Nokimlenod, who had managed to trap himself inside a well in what I suspect was an attempt at avoiding a meeting with the visiting outpost liaison.  Guy doesn't seem extremely excited about his newfound nobility.  He'll probably take to it, like they all do.  Six months from now he'll be yelling at Spishaban for having a better room.

After rescuing and informing him that I would assume the position of overseer, he appeared relieved and hurried up the stair, hopefully to find some clothing befitting his station to replace those soaked and tattered rags he's calling an outfit.

We certainly have no lack of spare clothing.  Entire vast rooms of this fortress are devoted to storing the recovered clothes of the dead, meticulously lain out side by side in an eerie testament to the numbers of our fallen, made all the more shocking by the realization that these were only the clothes we were able to recover.


We also have an abundance of cats.  Someone here must enjoy cats as much as I OH GODS WHAT THE FUCK AM I LOOKING AT



(several pages later)

The unfortunate cat has died.  The cause of its illness is yet undetermined as no contaminants are present on the body, apart from those of its own secretion.  Could have been anything, the way they clean themselves.  I am concerned.

As I would come to learn from the fortress log, Horrorfailed began as a small prison camp on the orders of King Ïngiz of the Sacrificial Sword.  It was abandoned shortly after its founding - one can hardly imagine why - and the site was reclaimed by the Sensitive Picks some six months later.  What interest could our King possibly hold in this terrible place?

And now kitten rot?  It's all chillingly reminiscent of the old tale of Battlefailed.  Thank the gods that's only a story.

The current plans for this fort are as follows:  (1) find me a warm bedroom, (2) have the smiths complete Eric's armament orders for these poorly equipped dwarves, (3) redesign our entrance hall, so that we may work up here with something other than dirt walls to look at, and (4) make some damn bins and bags to try and contain this swamp of junk we inhabit.

But foremost: to find a way to deal with that Nexus freak.

* "Oh Sethrist," they who know me will say.  "You think everyone is a vampire," they'll say.  It isn't true!  I speak only the truth, and mark my words against the future: King Avus is a bloodsucking, dayfearing vampire.  One day I'll prove it.


Meanwhile, ThatAussieDwarf and a ghost collect some raw adamantine.

« Last Edit: November 17, 2012, 01:25:53 am by SethCreiyd »
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Eric Blank

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1081 on: November 13, 2012, 04:33:25 am »

I've never seen a fort like this, so wracked by the constant struggle to live.  Beyond our muddy entrances, a sandy tunnel sweeps around the aquifer responsible for our drinking water.  There are six levers surrounding the main stair, four of them unlabelled, two of them not even connected to anything.  Stairs are half-built or end at the ceiling, when the steps are at least in the expected spots.  Scattered haphazardly throughout the rock underneath are workshops and stockpiles set against winding tunnels spiraling recklessly into one another after a wide turn, if not ending in great empty spaces.  The numberless rooms are as varied as they are mysterious.

Like this.  The hell is this?

Baron Eric, after being rescuedforced to talk to that god damn bitch we're gonna toss out in the cold to be disemboweled by zombies.
"Tha's tha wild beas's' room, ya' fool! Candcha reed tha notes!? Not proper, ledgibol skripte 'nuf fer ya!?"

Yeah, that's what I was describing when I wrote that. Sorry I never uploaded a picture of anything, but I left a few extra notes, at least. The room needs those winding passages so the beasts below have to run through the gauntlet of cage traps in order to escape if they go wild on us. Although, it doesn't solve the problem of them and the still-trained creatures tearing each other a new one before any of them evacuate the room.

Anyway, our internet provider returned our connection the day after I uploaded the save. Apparently payments were set up to go through automatically, and they snatched the first $50 to enter that bank account. Or something like that; I wasn't paying a whole lot of attention.
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I make Spellcrafts!
I have no idea where anything is. I have no idea what anything does. This is not merely a madhouse designed by a madman, but a madhouse designed by many madmen, each with an intense hatred for the previous madman's unique flavour of madness.

Spish

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1082 on: November 13, 2012, 08:16:37 am »

Fantastic updates so far, I look forward to seeing how you deal with the craziness that inevitably unfolds.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
That's... well... a lot of corpses. Can you imagine what would happen if a necromancer paid us a visit? ;D
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Ah, yes, I thought something was amiss. Now I see. There's not enough terrible things in the lakes.

SpaceKGreen

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1083 on: November 13, 2012, 09:30:27 am »


...What is my dwarf up to, anyways?  I'm starting to think I should have asked that before I wrote all this.

Also awesome update is awesome.
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Mego

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1084 on: November 13, 2012, 10:06:07 am »

My thanks and applause go to the previous overseers for making such a delightfully insane fortress; it's been a fantastic read.

I can't recall my first words after seeing this fort, but I know they were expletives.

We have Seth's approval. Success!

Teneb

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1085 on: November 13, 2012, 03:39:39 pm »

Awesome update. But Seth, I saw two Hellcannon's instead of Horrorfailed in your text.
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Monstrous Manual: D&D in DF
Quote from: Tack
What if “slammed in the ass by dead philosophers” is actually the thing which will progress our culture to the next step?

Eric Blank

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1086 on: November 13, 2012, 04:34:01 pm »


...What is my dwarf up to, anyways?  I'm starting to think I should have asked that before I wrote all this.

Also awesome update is awesome.

He's actually been assigned armorer duty on top of weaponsmithing, so he's probably helping pump out some copper crap for danger room training.
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I make Spellcrafts!
I have no idea where anything is. I have no idea what anything does. This is not merely a madhouse designed by a madman, but a madhouse designed by many madmen, each with an intense hatred for the previous madman's unique flavour of madness.

Silverlock

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1087 on: November 13, 2012, 04:54:54 pm »

I - I was competent

Words fail me.
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"All right boys, let's strike the- *crack* whatthefwarblblub..."
"...Dibs on the pick."
Hidden beneath rusting weapons was a mass of assorted bones. An elf, a goblin, even an ogre. All just waiting for someone to walk by and notice them, like some kind of land mine of horror.

SpaceKGreen

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1088 on: November 13, 2012, 11:03:29 pm »

Armorsmithing?  Heh.  Just what I needed...

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Eric Blank

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1089 on: November 14, 2012, 12:14:19 am »

Oh gods... That's got to be some nasty greaves.

My reasoning for putting you on armorer duty was that you had experience working metal. Metalsmithing is in high demand. As is ore, currently...
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I make Spellcrafts!
I have no idea where anything is. I have no idea what anything does. This is not merely a madhouse designed by a madman, but a madhouse designed by many madmen, each with an intense hatred for the previous madman's unique flavour of madness.

Bates

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1090 on: November 14, 2012, 04:53:53 am »


I was told that the local innkeeper was injured and trapped outside, and was unlikely to survive.  We must never forget that he gave his life for ours.


Aww, so I died. Well I guess it was a good run. I think ... Wait, wasn't I a ghost a while back? So how did I just die? And how did I become alive again after being a ghost? And if I didn't die before, how did I become a ghost???

Aaaargh! This is so confusing it's making me angry!
It is making me so ANGRY, that. I. could. just. KILL. someone!

Requesting redorfing, same parameters as before; Bates - The Innkeeper, and a militia dorf, preferably axemurdererdorf.
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Spish

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1091 on: November 14, 2012, 10:55:27 am »

My reasoning for putting you on armorer duty was that you had experience working metal. Metalsmithing is in high demand. As is ore, currently...
Speaking of... you put all our best miners on military duty and didn't tell them to use picks. And what the hell were you thinking putting Strategia (Legless Amputee, Longest Surviving Dwarf, and Upcoming Overseer) in the suicide squad Rags of Breath? ::)
« Last Edit: November 14, 2012, 12:41:42 pm by Spish »
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Ah, yes, I thought something was amiss. Now I see. There's not enough terrible things in the lakes.

Eric Blank

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1092 on: November 14, 2012, 12:24:09 pm »

That they would be useful against those raven corpses that intruded into the heart of the fortress :P
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I make Spellcrafts!
I have no idea where anything is. I have no idea what anything does. This is not merely a madhouse designed by a madman, but a madhouse designed by many madmen, each with an intense hatred for the previous madman's unique flavour of madness.

Kirbypowered

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1093 on: November 14, 2012, 01:09:59 pm »

Wow. Did you actually have a migrant with both soap making and spear skills? Or did you hand a soap maker a spear and tell him to knock himself out? Either way, looks like I've got a journal entry to write. I think you can guess what'll be in it. ;D

First entry from the journal of Kirby, Warrior of the Soap

This place...I understand now why the Soapy One has led me here. It is my task, my fate, to cleanse this place or die trying. I fear death may await me even in success, but this is what I have chosen.

Still, this place is in worse shape than I'd expected. Since my arrival, I've not seen indication of even a single bar of soap! I simply cannot stand such sacrilege, and besides that, this place needs it. The ground upon which we walk (and many other places it shouldn't be) is lush with all matter of strange muck and vomit in many places. I shall be sure to discuss the possibility of creating a soap maker's set-up with the overseer as soon as I can. No doubt they will see the necessity in this, I should hope. For now though, I will read from the sacred writings of the Soap to fortify my resolve in this accursed place.

tl;dr: I plan to politely request the overseer to make the proper equipment in order for me to get started soap making.
« Last Edit: November 14, 2012, 03:10:37 pm by Kirbypowered »
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THE WINTER MEN COME DOWN THE VALLEY AND KILL KILL KILL.
I'm voting for the Plaid Acre up next on COLORS AND MEASUREMENTS weekly.

Spish

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1094 on: November 14, 2012, 03:13:03 pm »

To update the dorflist:
Kar Puwuncobi, El Futura Presidente is dead. Probably the same way he died the first time.
Clover Magic, Jeweler. I have no idea how he died, the dude was positively legit. However, he did make some neat artifact bling before his passing (in an alternate universe, it was a black zircon coffin :D ).
And of course NCommander, who got drained by Nexi.

Also, Arcangelsd made an awesome artifact loincloth. That seems like something that would be worth mentioning.
« Last Edit: November 14, 2012, 08:52:57 pm by Spish »
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Ah, yes, I thought something was amiss. Now I see. There's not enough terrible things in the lakes.
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