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Author Topic: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell - Please do not feed the nobles  (Read 578653 times)

Dinjoralo

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1095 on: November 14, 2012, 04:00:26 pm »

So, you said that you managed to dwarf a lot of people, due to a migrant wave? Could we at least get a name list?
Oh yeah, awesome turn! Not that I wasn't expecting one from you, no sir, not at all.
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ThatAussieGuy

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1096 on: November 14, 2012, 08:36:36 pm »

Meanwhile, ThatAussieDwarf and a ghost collect some raw adamantine.


All as planned. 

CatalystParadox

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1097 on: November 15, 2012, 12:18:14 am »

All as planned.

I see you have made amendments to your signature quote.
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My proud turn in Failcannon | Uzolnom - "Oiledgod"

Quote from: Mego
I opened up the Unread Replies page and saw that you were the last poster. I got scared. Something about you posting scares me, ever since Failcannon.

ThatAussieGuy

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1098 on: November 15, 2012, 05:25:15 am »

All as planned.

I see you have made amendments to your signature quote.

Muwahahahahahah.

I'm curious to know what my dwarven counterpart is intending to build though.  What's his profession anyway?

Spish

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1099 on: November 15, 2012, 02:53:35 pm »

Oh boy, I was dicking around the fortress and did some research on our "human friends" of the aptly-named "Realms of Shocking." Something is wrong with this picture...
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Their ruler, who is allegedly named Jozi, is a demon. And his/her/its general is an elf! An elf-loving demon! Need I say more?
« Last Edit: November 15, 2012, 03:31:12 pm by Spish »
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Ah, yes, I thought something was amiss. Now I see. There's not enough terrible things in the lakes.

Teneb

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1100 on: November 15, 2012, 03:40:57 pm »

Oh boy, I was dicking around the fortress and did some research on our "human friends" of the aptly-named "Realms of Shocking." Something is wrong with this picture...
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Their ruler, who is allegedly named Jozi, is a demon. And his/her/its general is an elf! An elf-loving demon! Need I say more?
Too bad that elf is an animal dissector instead of, say, a carpenter.
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Monstrous Manual: D&D in DF
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What if “slammed in the ass by dead philosophers” is actually the thing which will progress our culture to the next step?

Crocatowa

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1101 on: November 15, 2012, 07:50:09 pm »

It makes my day to get the emails about the progress with efforts towards the, erm, survival of the fortress.

Although I am still wary about it dying before my turn. By Armok do not let that happen!
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The only dye dwarfs should use is MAGMA. And the only thing dwarfs should dye is ELVES.

Teneb

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1102 on: November 15, 2012, 08:31:04 pm »

It makes my day to get the emails about the progress with efforts towards the, erm, survival of the fortress.

Although I am still wary about it dying before my turn. By Armok do not let that happen!
We'll probably just keep reclaiming until we get a death worthy of a Battlefailed fort.

Still, if we really wanted to keep the fort going forever all an overseer has to do is wall up our vampire.
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Monstrous Manual: D&D in DF
Quote from: Tack
What if “slammed in the ass by dead philosophers” is actually the thing which will progress our culture to the next step?

Silverlock

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1103 on: November 15, 2012, 08:36:03 pm »

It makes my day to get the emails about the progress with efforts towards the, erm, survival of the fortress.

Although I am still wary about it dying before my turn. By Armok do not let that happen!

Don't count on it too heavily.  My turn -- if it makes it that far -- is only three years hence, and my level of competence is feeble at best. 

Mayhap we will have a glorious end worthy of song, though!   Or an ad jingle, at least.
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"All right boys, let's strike the- *crack* whatthefwarblblub..."
"...Dibs on the pick."
Hidden beneath rusting weapons was a mass of assorted bones. An elf, a goblin, even an ogre. All just waiting for someone to walk by and notice them, like some kind of land mine of horror.

Ledi

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1104 on: November 15, 2012, 09:45:10 pm »

Nooo, that kitty! That poor kitty! *rocks back and forth sobbing, holding the mostly-rotten cat to her chest*

The kitties need to stay inside! No more rotting!
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So Ledi's been training the cats into an army of disposable warbeasts?  Why did no-one think of this sooner?!
Hellcannon seemed to be constantly on the verge of death and Levergedon before my turn helped, but ultimately what killed it was Ledi's cat army.

StLeibowitz

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1105 on: November 15, 2012, 10:19:18 pm »

Is Saint still kicking around? That list in the second post confuses me, so I figure I'll just ask the experts.
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Generally, when one is conducting an experiment, it is worth noting that the observers went insane, killed each other, and then rose from the dead.
It's like DF inhaled a peanut.

ThatAussieGuy

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1106 on: November 16, 2012, 02:13:05 am »

Nooo, that kitty! That poor kitty! *rocks back and forth sobbing, holding the mostly-rotten cat to her chest*

Oh god, so that's how the rot keeps getting inside!  Ledi, you have dozens of healthy cats, let that one go!  :o

laularukyrumo

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1107 on: November 16, 2012, 04:14:36 am »

so I'm not on the turn list yet.

o.o

can I please be put on said list? just, yeah, so stuff happens. if stuff happens. That'd be fun.
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Quote from: Dwarfotaur
Everytime one of my militia has given birth in the Danger Room, it's lead to instant baby smoothies for everyone.

Gotta Catch 'Em All!

Dat Sig Thread

SethCreiyd

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1108 on: November 17, 2012, 05:23:59 am »

I edited the list of migrants to be more clear, and I fixed the "Hellcannon" typos.  I do know the name of the fort, honest!   :-[

ThatAussieDwarf is currently disguised as a competent marksdwarf with adequate animal training skills.  Armok knows what he's building.  Saint is still alive and well - Legendary Miner and Grand Master Marksdwarf.



Spring


Cramped and dank, the dungeon cell was still no more sparse than the meager accommodations most of the workers here would ever reside in.  The vampire was even provided a table and chair as befitting a noble bookkeeper of her standing.

Too kind for a monster.

The birthmark was neatly hidden by the weeping blisters that once were the vampire's eyes.  Now that I've seen it up close, I'd wager a month's booze that our vampire is none other than Channelglaze, the terror of Fiercefences.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I've asked Sheriff Spishaban to begin interrogating her.  It would be useful to know her origins and agenda.

Since it seems the best use for it, I've asked Space to make similar weapons out of our remaining silver.


I've also had him craft a menacing silver spike with which we may smite the vampire if necessary.  Everyone knows vampires hate silver.

I've been getting notes from a dwarf named Kirby, who calls himself the Soap Warrior despite having barely any skills relating to either warfare or soap making.  He does seem to know how soap is made, however, and was polite enough to point out that there isn't a single bar of soap in the entire fort.  Neither is there any lye, nor any prepared ash with which to produce some.  I tried to get some wood burned, but we ran out of logs making bins and shields so we're chopping down the mushroom trees that grew in our entrance hall over the past few years.  It's been a long day.


Gigozin has yet to identify the cause of that cat's sudden death, to his consternation.  One of the militia dwarves, apparently its owner, was sitting beside her deceased pet in the hospital, wailing as she held the mostly-rotten cat in a tight embrace.  And by mostly-rotten, I mean entirely putrefied, and by cat I mean the oozing pulp left over from a putrefied cat.  I hope whatever killed it isn't contagious.


Eric has been officially titled as Baron, now that the liaison has left.  As the dwarf most experienced with combat, I've recommended Saint's appointment as fortress Champion.


Caught in a snowstorm, hmm?  I suppose that hole in our roof should be fixed.

Eric has taken to the nobility like a natural.  He's already issuing me death threats!  I'm not sure what he means by "forced to drink slime" but I'm sure that's just hyperbole.  No one's forcing anyone to drink anything.


Anyway, hopefully he appreciates the house prepared by the miners, unquestionably the most desirous living space in all the fort.  The last thing we need is a baron driven to misery by a withholding of proper quarters.



It turns out the odd room with all the cages was prepared by Eric for the purpose of animal training.  Our current trainers appear to need practice, so it's quite a useful sounding construction indeed.  You'd think with the awesome Cave Spider we have, we'd have a really great animal trainer somewhere in the fort, but with my luck, it's likely the trainer's corpse is stumbling around outside in just the right spot to greet the next migrant wave.  The crundles are about as well-trained as something very poorly trained.  We've even had to put a few of them down.


In other news, today I met Strategia, the "Legless Prophet of Cheese."


As evinced by her title, Strategia is a widowed cheesemaker who has, at some point in the past, parted with both of her legs below the knees.   Worse, they have her hauling around goods like a mule, making her crawl around in the dirt, struggling to haul a set of plate to the stockpile ten floors down.  I tried offering her a hand, but you know how prideful her sort can be.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I find myself wondering why dwarves have not invented a chair with wheels.  Seems like such a simple concept.



Wonderful news indeed, a monstrous lobster was spotted lurking the depths of the third cavern, and since the military are still getting their equipment together, it could probably kill us all if it somehow entered the fort.  Fortunately, the fortress is sealed off from the caverns, so there's no way it can get inside.


And now I hear screams.  Be right back.



Well, that could have turned out poorly.  A wall I thought was there wasn't actually ever built, and the beast managed to break ThatAussieDwarf's leg before armeggedonCounselor snuck up behind the beast and dropped a hammer in the monster's head, painting the hallway and both dwarves in the so-called "deadly blood" that smells an awful lot like a lobster stew.


The hallway needs to be smoothed over before any more cats begin to melt.


Local Mad Prophet Newbunkle emerged from his bedroom one morning and made a sputtering march straight for the magma foundry.  There, he kicked Space out of his forge and grabbed the nearest piece of refined adamantine and started to work.


I like where this is going.


I think I'll be keeping that axe.  Sadly, Newbunkle is unable to recall anything from the moment of leaving his bedroom.  I've put him to work making plate and mail, since Space is not quite so thrilled to be making the armor and the fighters are starting to complain about the sharp edges.


Some of the soldiers are going so far as to remove their clothing entirely in protest.  I'm uncertain about this place.  Dwarves should know better in this day and age, the nudist mania was thought eradicated decades ago.


Note to self: no more military woodcutters.

In other news, an elven caravan came into view on a moonlit night towards the end of spring, only to be attacked by skelk within seconds.  As the elves ineffectually fled for their lives, a strange monster appeared at the edge of the wood.


Some kind of werecaribou, it seems. It ran after one of the traders and started grabbing objects off the merchant's pack donkey until it took hold of a crutch.  In a remarkable turn, the beast then slowed to a crawl as it started hobbling forward with the crutch, as though it were being irresistably compelled to walk with it.


Weremoose: Dabbling Crutch-walker

The crutch saved the elf's life.  Ten stone of adamantine says they were going to try and fence that accursed thing on us.  By now, the elves still around were all dead and walking about in the slime, and there was no sense in opening the hatch.

The werebeast smashed up a lot of undead, and by morning it had metamorphosed into a frog person.


I tasked EmeraldWind to go in the lookout and shoot it.  She reported shooting it until it ran away to have a fatal encounter with a skeledonkey, and further expressed disappointment that another kill could not be added to her growing list.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I'm calling her 'Valkyrie' from now on.

*     *     *

"So, how many are we looking at?"

"Not counting undead, bookkeeping shows a tally of five hundred and fifty four corpses within our territory.  When the Sensitive Picks first arrived here, there were... hold, on, let me see... twenty.

"That is Nexusv's own accounting, you know.  Are you sure that isn't an exaggerated number?"

"If anything, I think the amount is understated.  You've seen what it looks like out there."

"That's... well... a lot of corpses."

"Yes, Sheriff."

"Can you imagine what would happen if a necromancer paid us a visit?"

"I can.  I imagine that's why Eric had the vampire out there collecting the bodies.  But collecting them won't do any good.  They need to be sealed away."

"Perhaps Nexusv should be set free to continue cleaning up the surface.  She had a pick the entire time she was outside - if she wanted to destroy the fort, she could have sabotaged the walls long ago."

"If we set the monster free, it will eventually kill again.  That is a certainty."

"Well then.  The law prescribes a noble four hundred days in prison, two hundred for each conviction.  After that she'll be free to go, unless she is to be executed.  But think carefully on the decision.  She's the only one who can go out there safely.  You have to know how valuable that makes her."

"Indeed I do, Sheriff.  A properly tamed vampire could be immensely useful.  But you must know what the punishment for vampirism is."

"Then..."

"I'll seek a stay of execution from the Baron, pending the paperwork.  In the meantime, try not to let it out of the cell."


"Not to worry.  The bars are solid iron."

"And if it does manage to escape?"

"She won't.  I've studied her for some time.  She's afraid enough of mortality, if you know the right threats, and I don't think vampires are immune to magma."

*    *    *

*OOC:  I actually wanted to avoid getting Nexus imprisoned.  It must have happened when the migrants came, because that's the only time the fort was unlocked, but I didn't actually see Spish go outside, so I think Nexus actually went back in and got herself arrested.  She's still covered in fetid muck, and so is her pick, so I've forbidden her gear until we have a shower system.

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ThatAussieGuy

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Re: Horrorfailed the Battle-Cannon of Hell (BATTLEFAILED 4) - Beware the Aussie
« Reply #1109 on: November 17, 2012, 05:35:39 am »

A discarded slip of paper, found in the halls

Journal Entry 22---

armeggedonCounselor managed to interrupt my latest venture to feign my own death and thus escape recognization by the rest of the fort.

Phase 3 successful.  Advancing to Phase 4 with optimal results expected.
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