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[USEC_OFFICER]

Stay in the chapel/try and gather the party together.

Sticks with Redd T. Shir. Also, OMIGOD MY EYEBROWS, MY BEAUTIFUL EYEBROWS! Someone should probably heal Midna.

Seeing as herding the rest of the adventures together is going to be nigh-on impossible, you quickly give up. Plus Hans is starting to make you feel uncomfortable, what with all of this breast clutching.

I suppose the next thing to do would be to enter the boring hallway, check the hall and door for traps, then enter that door.
Sword still in hand.

"Activating Mourning Mode. Wah, wah, wah. Mourning complete. This unit will now commence searching the tomb in order to fulfill high priority objective: saving the family restaurant/dojo." Kadbot will then wordlessly join Wall in searching the boring hallway.

[14] Finding no traps, Kadbot and Wall creep down the boring hallway, and open the door.

The room beyond is twenty feet by thirty feet, with a little ten by ten alcove in the middle of the eastern edge to connect with the boring hallway. Besides a door on the southern wall and its odd layout, the room is as boring as the hallway was.

: AGNS opens the gold chest.

I hope you like vipers...

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Because the chest is full of them! Well, technically it summoned the vipers, but that doesn't make them any less angry or pissed off. The vipers quickly spill out of the chest, looking for targets to take out their aggression on.

[FORTITUDE: 12] Despite being at viper central, AGNS manages to avoid being bitten, probably due to his amazing acrobatic skills.

[FORTITUDE: 1] However Brecan is... not so lucky 1 damage

[FORTITUDE: 15] Kazard, seeing the snakes spring out of the chest, quickly runs back into the hallway of spheres.

[FORTITUDE: 4] Unfortunately Urist was too busy trying to heal Kazard to notice the vipers in time... 1 damage

Rest in peace Urist. At least it doesn't matter whether you're a dwarf or a human now.

As Urist's corpse turns a nasty shade of purple, the vipers return back to the magical void from which they were summoned. Oh, and if you're wondering, the golden chest is completely empty.

"Found something"

Get someone over here, and investigate the secret tunnel.

As nobody seems to be interested, you investigate the secret tunnel by yourself. Well, it's less of a tunnel and more of a ten by ten room. An empty, ten by ten room.

This small chamber is empty of scent, stain, or decor. Only the dense layer of dust reveals the uncounted years since any moved through this chamber since the present.

Except for the secret door behind you, the room has no apparent exits. As you step into the chamber, you hear a faint clicking sound, a bit like somebody reloading a crossbow.

Go get a wizard to heal me, but in any case, leave the room completely.

With Urist dead, the only mage left able to cure wounds is Gramjir. Thus you head into the altar room to get some free healing.

[17] 1 healing

It'd be pretty spiffy if someone could heal me. Also, since Hans is apparently not willing to go back through the orange gate, I'll go through it, and investigate the area past it thoroughly. This better be worth it.

[17] Gramjir must have taken a multiclass as a pocket cleric recently, as he wanders over to patch you up. 2 healing

* MaximumZero  reads his character sheet

((Items? I need only Burning Hatred and Furious Anger.))

Head toward the Altar in search of battle.

You know what? I have no idea what the hell's going on, but I see a lady going into a dangerous looking place alone.

Follow Midna.

Midna, thus healed, goes through the orange archway with MaximumClone1 close behind.

(You'd better put on a shirt first, or roll well on that Fortitude save.)

(I am MADE of Fortitude!)

Unfortunately for both of our heroes, the saving throw is based on willpower.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

[WILLPOWER: 16] [WILLPOWER: 3] As Midna steps through the archway, she feels a wave of nausea pass through her. Or should I say him? Of course, being a dwarf, the only noticeable change to non-dwarfs would be impressive beard sprouting on Midna's face. Still, his body changes in a few subtle ways too.

[WILLPOWER: 7] [WILLPOWER: 3] Everybody was probably wondering what the first willpower save was for, right? Well, it just so happens to change your alignment!

...

Okay, okay, that's a completely useless trap, even if we were playing proper D&D (for any class that's not a cleric or paladin or something). So instead of that... how about your class changes?

As MaximumClone1 steps through the archway he feels a lot more stealthy, dexterous and flexible than before, though also less powerful and invulnerable. However these weird feelings might partly be due to his her new body. While it's still strong and muscular enough kick your ass into next Tuesday, I'm sure that a lot of people wouldn't mind, if you know what I mean. Sculpted is probably the best word to describe Maximum's new body, assuming that the sculptor was trying to make a statue for the goddess of asskicking. Since this is NOT THAT KIND OF GAME, Maximum quickly constructs a crude bra out of all the hair that she shed during the transformation. Well, a bit of the hair. Enough leg/chest/armpit hair is left to make a tuxedo or two.

Animate any intact corpses of deceased comrades! I require more minions!

[17] Since you're not crazy enough to go for the bodies in the laboratory, you raise the bodies of Kadzar III, Sir Gadarin of the Azure Fist and Urist Mcderm, thus giving you three zombie minions!

Spoiler: Brave Adventurers (click to show/hide)

Name: Tybar Whurthic
Player: Azthor
Gender: Male
Class: Fighter

HP: 3/3

Items: mining equipment, waterskins (water), rations, torch


OLD IMAGE:
Name: Midna
Player: Solifuge
Gender: Male
Class: Ranger (Fighter)
Race: Dwarf

HP: 3/3

Weapons: Brace of Handaxes, Round Metal Shield
Armour: Ringmail, Saffron-Yellow Cloak, Goggles of Night

Items: Trained Raven (Rupert), Rope with Grappling Hook (50ft), Climbing Kit, Flint/Steel, Torches, Wineskin (Strong Brandy)



Name: Wall
Player: greymountain_Sage
Gender: Male(ish)
Class: Guardian (Fighter)
Race: Construct

HP: 3/3

Weapon: Sword

Items: Torch, Rope, Grappling Hook



Name:  Kadbot (Adopted Son of Kadzar, Brother of the Kadzar Twins)
Player: Kadzar
Gender: Manbot
Class: Battlechef (Fighter)
Race: Warforged

HP: 3/3

Weapon: Butcher Knife, Large Slab of Meat (Shield)
Armour: Cloth Apron Plating, Chain Hairnet

Items: Roasting Spit, Butcher's Block, 50 ft of Sausage Casing and Grappling Ham (basically just a piece of ham that can get wedged in some places), Cord of Firewood, Flint and Steel, Torches



Name: Redd T. Shir
Player: OREOSOME
Gender: Female
Class: Rogue

HP: 2/2

Weapons: Rapier/Crossbow (30 bolts)
Armour: Leather Armour

Items: Rations for 2 weeks, torch



Name: Kazard McDermeth
Player: Zako
Gender: Male
Class: Rogue

HP: 1/2

Weapons: Short Sword/Crossbow (28 bolts)
Armour: Studded Leather

Items: Rope, Pouch of Chalk Sticks, Torches, Ten Foot Pole



Er... Wrong picture.


There we go.

Name: Hans
Player: Hanslanda
Gender: Female
Class: Rogue

HP: 2/2

Weapons: Short Sword/Short Bow (30 arrows)
Armour: Studded Leather

Items: grappling hook with rope attached, lockpicking/assorted thievery kit



Name: Karas Sirenna
Player: Kestrel_6
Gender: Male
Class: Assassin (Rogue)

HP: 2/2

Weapons: Rapier of Unknown Make, Dagger/1-Hand Crossbow (30 Bolts)
Armour: Black Cloak and Hood, Leather and Light Metal Armour

Items: Rope, Trap disarming Kit, Torches, Lockpicks



Name: Brecan Greene
Player: Vorthon
Gender: Male
Class: Rogue Wealth Redistribution Expert

HP: 2/2

Weapons: Dagger, Repeating Crossbow (10/10)
Armour: Leather Armour, Bandanna, Robber's Mask

Items:Torch, Sack, 2 Weeks of Rations



Name: AGNS ((Another Generic Nameless Stranger))
Player: Doomblade187
Gender: Male
Class: Master Thief Item Retriever (Rogue)

HP: 2/2

Weapons: Longsword, Heavy Crossbow (15 Bolts)
Armour: Studded Leather Armor

Items: Hooded Lantern, Grappling Hook, Thieves Tools


OLD IMAGE:
Name: MaximumClone1
Player: MaximumZero
Gender: Female
Class: Rogue

HP: 2/2

Weapons: Furious Anger, Burning Hatred
Armour: Bandanna, Chest Hair, Goatee, Pants

Items:

* MaximumZero  reads his character sheet

((Items? I need only Burning Hatred and Furious Anger.))

Name: Gramjir
Player: Lich180
Gender: male
Class: mage

HP: 1/1

Weapons: Silver Mace/Wizards Staff (20 charges)
Armour: Silver Chainmail

Spells: Cure Wounds, Dispel Magic, Frostbolt, Ethereal Walk, Feather Fall

Items: Food/Drink for a week, torch



Name: Dr. Malpracteece
Player: Geen
Gender: male
Class: mage

HP: 1/1

Weapons: Dagger/Generic Wand of Ranged Killiness (20 charges)

Spells: Create Undead, Fire Wall, Detect Magic, Dispel Magic, Magic Missile

Items: Torch, Bottle of Oil



Name: Naj
Player: TaiwaneseRedneck
Gender: male
Class: mage

HP: 1/1

Weapons: Spiked Mace/Needle Crossbow (40 needles)
Armour: Red Mage Plate

Spells: Long Light (No one thought of this?), Lightning, Cause Wounds, Detect Invisibility, Remove Invisibility

Items:  Liquid Pitchblende, Rope

Spoiler: But wait, there's more! (click to show/hide)

Redd:


Kadbot:


Wall:

Thanks for all the images!

[killerhellhound]

I live through traps, magic archway death traps and dart explosions to be killed by a snake loot mad man just as I leave the room to go mess with gender bending portals 
"Sigh" this is like dwarf fortress
I make a new character soon

[MaximumZero]

Well, crap. That didn't work out as I intended.

Map the area we've come into through the gate. Seek clothes and/or armor.

[greymountain_Sage]

Wall expresses serious disappointment at the lack of crushable things, muttering to himself as he explores the boring room connected to the boring hallway.
Wall then searches the southern door for traps and, if it's safe, opens it.

[Zako]

((Oi! Where's my extra health point that I just got back?))

Head back to the red sphere room and tap the crystal chest with the very end of my pole, to test for traps. The length of the pole should protect me from anything nasty, or at least lessen the damage.

[Solifuge]

Spoiler: It's totally that kind of game. (click to show/hide)

Midna - Rule 63'd


Max - Rule 63'd
*I was originally going to put a censor bar over the sprite, but apparently the portal also turns chest hair into athletic support. Handy!

And to think, I'd just shaved this thing off. Acererak, you're a monster... and by monster I mean a minor inconvenience. Doesn't mean I'm still not going to smash your demilich teeth in when I find you.

Anyway, it's time to investigate the room. I'll look high and low for something, anything to make this worthwhile. And if I don't find anything, I'll investigate again. Because screw you dungeon.


EDIT:

Everybody was probably wondering what the first willpower save was for, right? Well, it just so happens to change your alignment!

...

Okay, okay, that's a completely useless trap, even if we were playing proper D&D (for any class that's not a cleric or paladin or something). So instead of that... how about your class changes?

Well, a cruel DM could rule that a character becoming evil meant the DM could control them briefly as foes, until the character A) got themselves incapacitated and woke up with a better grip on their new alignment, or B) the curse or whatever got removed by magic. Oh, or if the party decided to kill the character, it would probably end too.

Still, alignment has always seemed like a cop out to me, so I like this interpretation.

[Solifuge]

Ignore this double post.

[Hanslanda]

Lolz, MZ is also a girl rogue now. What did ya'll expect to happen?

Also, HA MIDNA! WHO'S GOT THE BOOBS NOW?!?

Ahem. With that out of the way, I must ask, "So... None of the treasue chests had anything in them except for a crystal box with a key in it? And a shitpile of traps?"

Look at the map.

[Kadzar]

Kadbot will help search the door to the best of his Battlechefy abilities, then prepare to attack anything that comes out of the door when Wall opens it.

[Solifuge]

Also, HA MIDNA! WHO'S GOT THE BOOBS NOW?!?

Eh, I'll just track down a Wizard who can remove curses once we make it out... and until then I just have to trim the whiskers a little more often.

Dwarven Vow #24. Never let your feet get ahead of your shoes.

[Vorthon]

Brecan shall poke about the Altar room, looking for anything that's hidden. Whilst muttering to himself in a pretentious french accent.

[USEC_OFFICER]

Map the area we've come into through the gate. Seek clothes and/or armor.

The area is ten feet by ten feet, and completely devoid of clothing/armour of any kind. If you want to do some mapping yell at Lich180 or something.

Wall expresses serious disappointment at the lack of crushable things, muttering to himself as he explores the boring room connected to the boring hallway.
Wall then searches the southern door for traps and, if it's safe, opens it.

Kadbot will help search the door to the best of his Battlechefy abilities, then prepare to attack anything that comes out of the door when Wall opens it.

[12] [17] As Kadbot and Wall finding no traps on the door, they open it, ready for anything.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Behind the door is a ten by ten room, with another door on the southern side. Said room is also very boring, unless you like age-old dust.

...

Oh, and Wall gets attacked by the four-armed gargoyle hiding in the room. Apparently gargoyles turn into ninjas in dungeons or something. 1 damage

Head back to the red sphere room and tap the crystal chest with the very end of my pole, to test for traps. The length of the pole should protect me from anything nasty, or at least lessen the damage.

[16 + 5] Your pole activates no traps on the crystal chest/box.

And to think, I'd just shaved this thing off. Acererak, you're a monster... and by monster I mean a minor inconvenience. Doesn't mean I'm still not going to smash your demilich teeth in when I find you.

Anyway, it's time to investigate the room. I'll look high and low for something, anything to make this worthwhile. And if I don't find anything, I'll investigate again. Because screw you dungeon.

[13] [8] [5] [7] [18] [2] If anything, and I mean anything, existed in this room, you would have found it by now. Acererak is truly the trolliest of dungeon builders.

Look at the map.

What map?

Brecan shall poke about the Altar room, looking for anything that's hidden. Whilst muttering to himself in a pretentious french accent.

Muttering to himself in his French accent (which the DM refuses to do), Brecan starts searching the altar room.

[15 + 5] Gazooks! On the eastern wall is a tiny slot, large enough for a gold coin or inquiring finger. Imagine something like the coin slot for a vending machine, except instead of dispensing refreshing drinks it gives you horrible death or something. Above this slot is the letter 'O', faintly painted on the wall.

Spoiler: Brave Adventurers (click to show/hide)

Name: Tybar Whurthic
Player: Azthor
Gender: Male
Class: Fighter

HP: 3/3

Items: mining equipment, waterskins (water), rations, torch



Name: Midna
Player: Solifuge
Gender: Male
Class: Ranger (Fighter)
Race: Dwarf

HP: 3/3

Weapons: Brace of Handaxes, Round Metal Shield
Armour: Ringmail, Saffron-Yellow Cloak, Goggles of Night

Items: Trained Raven (Rupert), Rope with Grappling Hook (50ft), Climbing Kit, Flint/Steel, Torches, Wineskin (Strong Brandy)



Name: Wall
Player: greymountain_Sage
Gender: Male(ish)
Class: Guardian (Fighter)
Race: Construct

HP: 2/3

Weapon: Sword

Items: Torch, Rope, Grappling Hook



Name:  Kadbot (Adopted Son of Kadzar, Brother of the Kadzar Twins)
Player: Kadzar
Gender: Manbot
Class: Battlechef (Fighter)
Race: Warforged

HP: 3/3

Weapon: Butcher Knife, Large Slab of Meat (Shield)
Armour: Cloth Apron Plating, Chain Hairnet

Items: Roasting Spit, Butcher's Block, 50 ft of Sausage Casing and Grappling Ham (basically just a piece of ham that can get wedged in some places), Cord of Firewood, Flint and Steel, Torches



Name: Redd T. Shir
Player: OREOSOME
Gender: Female
Class: Rogue

HP: 2/2

Weapons: Rapier/Crossbow (30 bolts)
Armour: Leather Armour

Items: Rations for 2 weeks, torch



Name: Kazard McDermeth
Player: Zako
Gender: Male
Class: Rogue

HP: 2/2

Weapons: Short Sword/Crossbow (28 bolts)
Armour: Studded Leather

Items: Rope, Pouch of Chalk Sticks, Torches, Ten Foot Pole



Er... Wrong picture.


There we go.

Name: Hans
Player: Hanslanda
Gender: Female
Class: Rogue

HP: 2/2

Weapons: Short Sword/Short Bow (30 arrows)
Armour: Studded Leather

Items: grappling hook with rope attached, lockpicking/assorted thievery kit



Name: Karas Sirenna
Player: Kestrel_6
Gender: Male
Class: Assassin (Rogue)

HP: 2/2

Weapons: Rapier of Unknown Make, Dagger/1-Hand Crossbow (30 Bolts)
Armour: Black Cloak and Hood, Leather and Light Metal Armour

Items: Rope, Trap disarming Kit, Torches, Lockpicks



Name: Brecan Greene
Player: Vorthon
Gender: Male
Class: Rogue Wealth Redistribution Expert

HP: 2/2

Weapons: Dagger, Repeating Crossbow (10/10)
Armour: Leather Armour, Bandanna, Robber's Mask

Items:Torch, Sack, 2 Weeks of Rations



Name: AGNS ((Another Generic Nameless Stranger))
Player: Doomblade187
Gender: Male
Class: Master Thief Item Retriever (Rogue)

HP: 2/2

Weapons: Longsword, Heavy Crossbow (15 Bolts)
Armour: Studded Leather Armor

Items: Hooded Lantern, Grappling Hook, Thieves Tools



Name: MaximumClone1
Player: MaximumZero
Gender: Female
Class: Rogue

HP: 2/2

Weapons: Furious Anger, Burning Hatred
Armour: Bandanna, Chest Hair, Goatee, Pants

Items:

* MaximumZero  reads his character sheet

((Items? I need only Burning Hatred and Furious Anger.))

Name: Gramjir
Player: Lich180
Gender: male
Class: mage

HP: 1/1

Weapons: Silver Mace/Wizards Staff (20 charges)
Armour: Silver Chainmail

Spells: Cure Wounds, Dispel Magic, Frostbolt, Ethereal Walk, Feather Fall

Items: Food/Drink for a week, torch



Name: Dr. Malpracteece
Player: Geen
Gender: male
Class: mage

HP: 1/1

Weapons: Dagger/Generic Wand of Ranged Killiness (20 charges)

Spells: Create Undead, Fire Wall, Detect Magic, Dispel Magic, Magic Missile

Items: Torch, Bottle of Oil



Name: Naj
Player: TaiwaneseRedneck
Gender: male
Class: mage

HP: 1/1

Weapons: Spiked Mace/Needle Crossbow (40 needles)
Armour: Red Mage Plate

Spells: Long Light (No one thought of this?), Lightning, Cause Wounds, Detect Invisibility, Remove Invisibility

Items:  Liquid Pitchblende, Rope

((Oi! Where's my extra health point that I just got back?))

Whoops. Fixed.

Everybody was probably wondering what the first willpower save was for, right? Well, it just so happens to change your alignment!

...

Okay, okay, that's a completely useless trap, even if we were playing proper D&D (for any class that's not a cleric or paladin or something). So instead of that... how about your class changes?

Well, a cruel DM could rule that a character becoming evil meant the DM could control them briefly as foes, until the character A) got themselves incapacitated and woke up with a better grip on their new alignment, or B) the curse or whatever got removed by magic. Oh, or if the party decided to kill the character, it would probably end too.

Still, alignment has always seemed like a cop out to me, so I like this interpretation.

Well the archway doesn't turn you crazy or anything, and when you're outnumbered by the good guys and stuck in a horrible death trap with no (apparent) way out, you would have to be a complete idiot to turn on your friends, so having the character turn into a monster is a stupid idea. Plus it would just interfere with the whole gender-bending properties of the archway.

Ahem. With that out of the way, I must ask, "So... None of the treasue chests had anything in them except for a crystal box with a key in it? And a shitpile of traps?"

Actually it's a ring, not a key. But yeah, the ring was the only treasure unless somebody wants to pick up all the darts or pry off the fittings of the chests.

[greymountain_Sage]

Wall ignores the boring room and hits the gargoyle with his sword as many times as possible, yelling "YAY!" in a giddy, childlike way as he finally gets to show off his combat prowess.

[OREOSOME]

I stay AWAY from the Portal, and help investigate the mysterious O on the wall.

[Vorthon]

Brecan shall try to find something to put in the slot!