Episode Four: Turn Eight: Oh Gosh.
The Village of Ardglass…
Still resisting nudification, Father Brown keeps the tea urn covering his naughty bits as he wanders towards the milk float, hoping to take over from the unpriestly maniacs currently in control
…As he wanders naked into the village of Ardglass,
Father Brown reflects on life.
It is pleasant, he thinks to himself,
to feel God’s own drizzle alight gently upon one’s nake- OH FECKIN’ SHITE I’M NAKED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE VILLAGE ONCE AGAIN!Panicking, he lifts up his tea urn in an ashamed daze, thrusting it over his exposed groin.
He pours the scalding tea all over his crotch!
His legs burn!
His unmentionables boil!
He screams in terrible pain and runs this way and that, arms flailing as he sprints blindly down the road!
The ear-shattering commotion brings several old ladies to their bungalow windows, and curtains twitch in barely concealed delight as they gaze upon the naked priest.
Get off him, then grab two pints of milk and make the next delivery for him.
…"Righto," says
Father Lars, not as far away from
Father Brown as one might think as he gets off
Father Fusco’s lap.
He thrusts his naked arse right into the windscreen as he reaches behind the seats for the two pints of milk Mrs McDaly requires.
He notices, looking out the back as he struggles to grab the bottles in the unsteady milk float, that there seem to be quite a number of old women looking out from behind their curtains at something going on in the street.
He is suddenly quite aware of his naked backside thrust against the cold glass of the milk float windscreen. He gets the milk as fast as he can, hoping to hide his shame behind the two bottles. He turns round, barely missing Father Fusco with his spiritual presence and-
Drive off to the McDaly residence!
…"Thanks, ya gobshite!" happily shouts
Father Fusco, freed from the hideous sensation of naked priest.
"Full speed ahead for Mrs McDal- OH JESUS SHITING FECK SHITE!" he screams as a naked priest with a bright red crotch runs straight in front of his milk float.
"OH MY FECKIN’ SHITEPANTS!" he cries as he desperately throws the milk float to the right to try to avoid this sudden nude apparition.
"OH MY F- OH SHITE I’M GOING TO HELL I’VE KILLED A MAN OH SHITE OH SHITE!" he blurts as he knocks down
Father Brown and crushes his leg with the suddenly out of control vehicle.
"OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE!" yelps Father Fusco as he sees the very solid looking brick wall of Mrs McDaly’s bungalow about a dozen metres in front of him.
"OHMYGODWE’REALLGOINGTOFECKIN’DIEEEEEEEEE!" he wails as the milk float mounts the curb, rides over the pavement, through Mrs McDaly’s delicately planted herbaceous border and onto her front lawn.
"OH MY FE- EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" he whimpers, as
Father Lars falls over front first and naked onto him, completely missing his own seat and finishing up with his head dangling out of the milk float door and his feet where he had hoped to place his buttocks.
Father Fusco throws his arms over his face and screams incomprehensibly as Father Lars drops the milk bottles onto Mrs McDaly’s front lawn.
The milk float trundles onwards, the old lady’s bungalow less than ten metres away across the wet grass.
The Village of Cloonsherevagh Library…
See if the officer knows anyone who could defuse the bomb and if not, enter library and find that feckin' bomb defusing manual.
…"Um...that's not the guy, but I STILL need ta defuse a feckin bomb," blasts
Father Reilly as he lies on the floor bleeding.
"Now if ya don't feckin’ well know any feckin’ mechanic or some feckin’ shite like that, get the feckin’ feck away, you big turdy bollock!"”What the feck are you talking about, you big mad feckin’ eejit? You know, all this talk of bombs is very feckin’ suspicious, don’t you know? I tell you what, I think I’m feckin’ well going to have to do a strip search, you wee little gobshite,” answers the police officer.
Before Father Reilly can stop bleeding enough to mount any kind of resistance, Officer Mallarky starts tugging as hard as he can on the priest’s blood-soaked cassock, finally managing to rip it off the reluctantly and now fully naked priest just as this latter finishes struggling to his feet and flees, hobbling and trailing blood, into the local library.
”Hey! Come back you great fecker!” comes a shout behind him.
"No feckin’ way, you big pervert!" shouts Father Reilly, turning over his shoulder.
"Feckin’ feck the feck off, I’ve got a village to save!!"Officer Mallarky fires off two shots from his pistol, searches quickly in the priest’s cassock for any sign of a bomb, and then ambles dejectedly over to the library entrance. He spies Father Reilly standing over the help desk in the centre of the library. He is fairly easy to recognise.
”Hands up, you mad bastard!” shouts the cop.
"So, erm, have you got any books about bombs?" asks the priest of the librarian, in a gentle priestly voice.
"Oh, and, you know, do you think you could ask this gentleman to make a little less noise?” he adds, pointing to the police officer with the gun.
”I’m fairly sure you’ll agree that a library is meant to feckin’ well be a place of learning rather than this raucous shite, don’t chaknow?"Father Brown has a -1 Suspected Broken Leg Bonus next turn! One priest is naked and on another priest’s lap again! One priest is naked and bleeding! Another is naked and has burnt his groin and been run over and is lying on the floor! One church has been burnt!
THE SPEED OF THE MILK FLOAT IS 4 MILES PER HOUR EXACTLY! BEYOND SIX MILES PER HOUR THE SPEED IS TERRIFYINGLY UNCONTROLLABLE! BELOW FOUR MILES PER HOUR WILL RESULT IN TERRIBLE TERRIBLE DOOM!
Father Fusco 10
Father Lars 5
Father Brown 4
Father Reilly 1
I had to deliberate extensively on the meaning of these unprecedented rolls. Doom is at hand.
Author
Topic: Roll to Priest: The End. (Read 68341 times)