Episode Four: Turn One: Idontwannabeapriestanymore!
The Village of Ardglass…
Seeing as everything is going swimmingly, start singing. If I come across some of those bastard children, show off by ghost riding the whip.
Yeah, that'll show those bloody bastards whose cool in town!
…Cruising along in downtown Ardglass,
Father Fusco is living the dream.
"Boy, are those feckers missin' out!" he exclaims, referring to his priestly colleagues.
"This is the feckin' life right here, it is!" he declares, daringly pushing the accelerator down and watching the speedo rise to nearly three miles per hour.
The wind rushes through his hair.
He starts singing some rather edgy modern hymns and suddenly spots a group of small children by the side of the road. An idea hits him.
Father Fusco drives to the top of the slight incline he is cruising along, past the group of small children, reaches the top, performs a u-turn, and heads back down the hill, m-singing as loud as he can with the windows down.
“Our Lord – is pretty cool,
If you don’t agree, you some kind of fool!
He’s got wicked alloys,
The Devil’s got wack ploys,
So don’t sin! Agin! Or I’ll begin!
To… er… Blast. Aha!
Don’t sin, or you’ll have to begin,
Confessin’?
As I sing my hymn?
Erm. Yo?”As he approaches the small children, he changes through the milk float’s range of gears from first to neutral, opens the door, leaps out, and runs his foot over.
Diving back into his milk float to escape the jeers of the local populace, he slams the accelerator down, blasting away at nearly four and a half miles an hour!
Suddenly his mobile priest phone rings!
The Village of Ardglass Church…
With this wise antagonizing of his fellow priests, Father Brown sets out to his parish to prepare a village feast on the church grounds. Nothing can wrong there.
… Back at Ardglass Church,
Father Brown decides he’d rather be at Creggenbaun Church, and rushes off to his parish.
”Yes,” he says to his fellow priests as he leaves.
”And my plan is to stay as far away from you gobshites as feckin' possible. Fecking sad excuses for members of the Catholic clergy, the pair of you!”Arriving at his parish, he immediately gets out his enormous tea urn and starts preparing enough tea for several villages and then, dashing about the church kitchen like some kind of deranged octopus-priest, starts preparing cake. A cake big enough to feed several thousand. Five thousand, he thinks happily to himself.
He searches for his fish-shaped cake mould.
Minutes later Father Brown is in the churchyard, hanging his second mile of green bunting when he smells a strange smell.
A strange burning smell!
A smell that smells somewhat similar to the terrible smell of burning cake! And burning church kitchen! And, indeed, burning church!
Father Brown turns in horror to see flames dancing out of the church kitchen window.
Suddenly his mobile priest phone rings!
Get to my parish and hold a conciliatory fair/mass to show that the clergy aren't so bloody insane.
…"...Eh, true enough," admits
Father Reilly as
Father Brown ambles off to his very own private culinary inferno.
He realises that Father Brown may actually be onto something, and heads back to Cloonsherevagh, his temporary adopted parish, and starts hanging his own green bunting in the church yard.
Interested villagers pass by, stop for a friendly chat and, gradually, accumulate before the makeshift altar that Father Green has slapped together with a couple of old crates. The moment has come.
”Friends,” begins Father Green.
”Villagers, Islanders… You know, not all members of the clergy are bloody insane. Many of us, including me, are perfectly reasonable, dontcha know. In the wake of the recent spate of church burnings – which may or may not be the work of juvenile church-haters – I want to offer you a Mass. A nice conciliatory Mass. A Mass calling for love, forgiveness in case it was actually a member of the clergy responsible for any of these church burnings, and happiness. As a sign of goodwill, I will make this a Mass for all. Does anyone have any sentiments they’d like to add?””Could you say a bit of Mass for me cat?” shouts one villager.
”He’s terribly sick today!””Erm… Ok?”Suddenly his mobile priest phone rings!Drag Lennan to the TV station from T1 last episode and Mass again on TV with Lennan!
…"Righto, Bishop!" shouts
Father Lars.
"I think that TV station liked our Mass, so why don't we try it again? Come along!"Grabbing Bishop Lennan right by his feckin’ bollocks, Father Lars drags the bishop out of the church and down the street before deciding that there might be a more efficient way of transporting a bishop. He lugs him onto his shoulders and sprints to the local television station.
He bursts in, brandishing the bishop at an astonished chatshow host.
”Look!” screams Father Lars.
”This is a… this is a… Feck.”He addresses the camera directly.
”I’ve got a feckin’ bishop!” he shouts.
”And I’m not afraid to use him! I want five minutes to Mass, a million dollars, and a feckin’ helicopter straight to the feckin’ airport!””Erm…””Now!””Rolly Island doesn’t have an airport, Father Lars…””Oh right so. Erm. Well, how about I just do a nice bit of Mass then and I’ll be on me way.””Father, put the bishop down. Come on now Father, you’re on live island-wide TV. Put the bishop down before you make a fool of yourself.””I JUST WANT TO FECKIN’ SAY FECKIN’ MASS! FOR FECK’S FECKIN’ SAKE! IN NOMINE PATR-””PUT THE FECKIN’ BISHOP DOWN! SLOWLY AND CALML-“”DID YOU JUST GRAB ME BY THE FECKIN’ BOLLOCKS?” asks Bishop Lennan, overcoming his sudden onset state of shock.
”DID YOU JUST GRAB ME BY THE FECKIN’ BOLLOCKS FATHER FECKIN’ LARS I SWEAR TO-””Erm, hold on there, Bishop Lennan. I think I’ve got a phone call.”
Interrupting the bishop, Father Lars answers his mobile priest phone.
”Set up a feckin’ conference call with your other gobshite priests, you feckin’ gobshite.” comes the anonymous instruction.
”I can feckin’ see you there on the telly, you big smelly bollock. Do a feckin’ teleconference NOW, or I’ll… do… something really feckin’ terrible.”Father Lars and the chatshow host scramble about for a minute to set up a teleconference.
”And now feckin’ well put me on loudspeaker so every feckin’ bastard watching this feckin’ shite can feckin’ see what a feckin’ gobshite ye are. Yes, I’m talking about you, Father feckin’ Lars. You and your feckin’ gobshite priests.”Father Lars puts the anonymous caller on loudspeaker and broadcasts his chilling threat to the nation.
”Right, you feckin’ bastard. Ooh, I can feckin’ hear meself on the television. Hello there ma! Hello there, me! Right. This is Pat feckin’ McCustard, and you’re a feckin’ gobshite. You feckin’ well got me sacked from me feckin’ job AND shot in the arse, and since I can’t make me feckin’ rounds anymore I’ve gone feckin’ crazy from the fever, if you know what I mean. Me arm’s a bit tired, if you see what I’m saying. Me bishop’s a bit bashed, if you catch me drift. I’M MISSING ALL ME LOVIN’ HOUSEWIVES, YOU BASTARD FATHER FECKIN’ LARS, AND I’M GONNA HAVE ME FECKIN’ REVENGE!””Erm, right so?””Oh yes. I know your priest chum stole me feckin’ milk float. Well. It’ll be the last feckin’ milk float he steals, the little shite. I’ve put a bomb on that milk float, so I have. An ingenious contraption, so I did. And when that little milk float stealing gobshite goes over four miles an hour THE FECKIN’ BOMB WILL ARM! AND AS SOON AS HE GOES UNDER FOUR FECKIN’ MILES AN HOUR, THAT BASTARD FECKIN’ BOMB WILL FECKIN’ WELL EXPLODE! AND WHEN THAT BASTARD FECKIN’ GOBSHITE BOMB FECKIN’ WELL EXPLODES, THEY’RE GONNA FECKIN’ WELL HEAR IT AT THE NORTH FECKIN’ POLE! MUHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!””Oh feck!” gasps Father Lars.
”Did you hear that, Father Fusco?””Idon’twannabeapriestanymore!””Don’t worry, Father Fusco!” declares Father Lars.
”We’ll feckin’ well save you! WE’VE GOT TO FECKIN’ SAVE YOU!”In the continued absence (aha!) of death and in the interest of keeping things moving along and stuff, there is a rotating cast. There are four priests in this Episode. The least excellent (or, if you will, the most bad) priest will be replaced by a waitlisting priest (Father Tiruin) for Episode Five. The excellence (or awfulness) of priests will (again) be determined by Priest Operative Points. Dead priests will also be replaced (if the dead priest is the worst priest, two priests will be replaced! If the dead priest is not the worst priest, two priests will be replaced!)! If there is a tie, then only one wi- wait, what? I’ll work it out.
We shall proceed once someone volunteers to become Lead Non-Milkman Priest!
The goal of the Episode: save the Milkman Priest!
The milk float must be kept above 4mph to prevent it exploding. Things that you would expect to slow down a milk float WILL slow it down – impacts, sheep, jumping out and thereby removing one’s foot from the accelerator. The speed will be shown regularly.
Milkman Priest: For every delivery you complete (there are six to be done!) you will receive +2 POPS! For returning the milk float to the depot fully intact, you will receive +12 POPS! For exploding, you will receive a -12 POPS penalty! And die! For every Mass you hold, you will receive +2 POPS!
Non-Milkman Priests: For every Mass you hold, you will receive +2 POPS! For explaining on live TV that not all priests are violent naked arsonists, you will receive +5 POPS! For helping a priest in danger, you will receive +1 POPS! For saving a priest’s life, you will receive +5 POPS!
POPs will of course still be deducted for Unpriestly, Criminal, Shameful, Murderous, and Blasphemous actions (in ascending order of seriousness) AND for CONTRIBUTING TO THE DEATH OF A FELLOW PRIEST.
No priests are naked! One church is burning! Father Fusco has a -1 Crushed Foot penalty next turn!
THE SPEED OF THE MILK FLOAT IS 4.5 MILES PER HOUR!
Mrs O’Doherty – 2 pints
Mrs Moloney – 2 pints
Mrs McFinnickerty – 2 pints
Mrs Daly – 2 pints
Mrs McDaly – 2 pints
Mrs O’Daly – 7 pints
Father Lars 6
Father Fusco 5
Father Brown 3
Father Reilly 2
Apologies for the shameful delay.
“Turn One: In Which Toaster Forgets Not To Give The GM Ideas (Especially Not Involving Bollocks), But Gets Away With It. Apparently.”
edit: Yes, we might forego the Lead Priest for this Episode I think. Especially since Bishop Lennan isn't necessarily in the position to confer Lead Priest status on anyone just yet.
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Topic: Roll to Priest: The End. (Read 69141 times)