Episode Three, Turn Eight: Blast!
The Village of Termonfeckin – A street…
Father Brown suggests torture and attempts to get a confession from Pat
…”Feckin’ wait!” Father Brown shouts.
”You can't kill him, we... err... need to... torture him first?”“Torture, Father?” asks Mr McAnally.
“I’m not sure that’s a terribly Catholic idea you know, Father Brown. I think we should just shoot the gobshite in the feckin’ arse, I can’t feckin’ stand werewolves anyway. Feckin’ bastards they all are, so they are.”Suddenly the afternoon silence is shattered by the double blast of a shotgun. Across the street a curtain twitches.
The Village of Termonfeckin Church…
Impress the Bishop with my bollocks Conduct a mass in the center of the burning church, making allusions to the fires of hell and the blessed joy of leaving in a calm and orderly manner.
…”Alea jacta est!” shouts
Father Lars from his vantage point atop Bishop Lennan.
“Take my feckin’ bollocks!” he continues, swinging wildly as he jumps to the floor and sprints over to the altar.
“You see, Bishop Lennan,” he insists as he prepares himself for giving Mass,
“I think we should feckin’ well do every feckin’ Mass stark bollock naked, to impress the heathenous locals with our mighty… er Mass, do you see?”Father Lars climbs nakedly onto the altar.
“In nomine Patris,” he begins.
“Et filii…”Father Lars interrupts himself, jumping back down from the altar, sprinting over to where Bishop Lennan is still lying under the burning joist.
“Did you see? Did you see my magnificent feckin’ bollocks up there on the altar, Your Grace? Did they not put the feckin’ fear of God into you? Tempting you over to the side of Good? Persuading you to let go of the ancient heathenous ways and to praise our Lord ever so heartily? You know, you see, the locals, they’ll just feckin’ look at those bollocks and think, well, shite, look at them, he can’t be feckin’ wrong with those, can he now? Don’t you think, Your Grace?”Bishop Lennan continues lying there, unconscious.
Father Lars leaves him be, and clambers back onto the altar.
“Now, come on you feckin’ pagans!” he shouts, addressing the congregation once more.
“LEAVE THE FECKIN’ CHURCH YOU GOBSHITES! IT’S FECKIN’ BURNING! Ite, missa est!”The remaining villagers begin to leave the church, several of them enthusiastically discussing Father Lars’s tremendous holy presence.
Father Lars sprints past them on the way out of the blazing building.
Father Orange runs outside to raise his voice in praise to the Lord our God amen!
…"Oooh, I feckin' love happy hymns!” squeals
Father Dick upon hearing the ring of song around the church.
“Let's encourage the firemen!" he adds, oblivious to the complete absence of firemen and his colleague’s complete failure in the field of firemen summoning.
“Come on everyone, let us sing!” he continues, running around the church gently cajoling the massed singers, suggesting that everyone finish singing
”Burn, burn, you heartless fecking pagan, that’ll teach you” and instead take up the more widely known western Irish Catholic classic
“Rain down love, rain the feck down”."Rain down, rain down,
Rain down feckin' love on yer peeeeople!
Rain down, rain the feck down!
Rain down love on us gobshiiiiiites!"Tell the fire brigade that the feckin' church is on fire, and then as the hymns begin to ebb out, open up a public confessional, hoping that the hymns would make the people feel bloody obligated to confess.
…It is indeed fortunate that
Father Dick chooses this moment to take over the conducting of Termonfeckin’s impromptu choir, for, having forgotten something rather important inside,
Father Reilly chooses this moment to stop singing, throw the mobile phone to the floor, and run back into the burning church, screaming at the top of his voice.
“Me confessional! Me feckin’ confessional! Shite!”As Father Reilly trips over the still prone Bishop Lennan and flies headlong to the floor, the joyous sound of the massed villagers of Termonfeckin wafts through the crackling of flames, led by the effervescent Father Dick.
"Rain down, rain down,
Oh Lord just feckin’ rain down!
Rain, rain, rain the feck down!
Feckin rain, you bastard, shower us with your love!
Rain down love on us gobshiiiiiites!"Being kicked in the head by Father Reilly, or the Massed Choir of Termonfeckin’s singing, seems to have quite a restorative effect on Bishop Lennan, who lifts the burning joist off himself, gets to his feet, and addresses Father Reilly.
”DID I GET HIT ON THE HEAD REALLY VERY HARD, OR ARE YOU FECKIN’ NAKED, YOU BIG BOLLOCK?”
Just then, as
Father Lars sprints out of the burning church, he comes face to face with a nice young woman holding what appears to be a microphone. A nice young man holding what appears to be a television camera accompanies her.
“Hello sir! You seem to be a survivor from this tragic disaster. I was actually looking for a Father Lars, to ask him about the hairy baby outbreak, but I wonder if you could spare a few minutes to tell us about this fire? Did all your clothes burn off? At least the locals seem to be in good spirits, eh sir?”She turns to address the cameraman.
”So, here I am today, talking to the survivors of the mysterious Termonfeckin Church Fire, trying to track down any more of these scandalous rumours of hairy babies. Here I’m talking to…”She turns back to Father Lars.
”Sorry there sir. What did you say your name was?”Two priests are naked! One church is burning! A Mass has been completed! Father Lars 5
Father Brown 4
Father Reilly 3
Father Dick 1
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Topic: Roll to Priest: The End. (Read 69163 times)