Episode Three, Turn Seven: Priests to the Rescue!
The Village of Termonfeckin – A street…
Team up with the special forces husband (he's from the anti-werewolf special forces, right?) and head after Pat
…”Err, hello Mr McAnally. I was just pursuing a criminal, possibly a werewolf, and could use your help in subduing him. Or it. Or something. Feck.”Mr McAnally looks unconvinced.
”The bastard stole your wife’s clothes!”Mr McAnally’s left eyebrow arches.
”And tried to molest me! Me, a poor innocent priest!”Mr McAnally’s right eyebrow joins its twin on the upper reaches of Mr McAnally’s forehead.
”THAT FECKIN’ GOBSHITE! COME ON, LET’S MURDERKILL THAT BASTARD!”Mr McAnally shoves past Father Brown, past his naked wife, storms upstairs, and, a brief moment later, comes back down carrying a double barrelled shotgun.
”BASTARD FECKING WEREWOLVES!”Dragging Father Brown by the cassock, Mr McAnally charges out the back door.
The Village of Termonfeckin – A garden…
”COME ON YOU SLOW BASTARD, I WANT ME SOME WEREWOLF BLOOD TONIGHT, FATHER! I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THAT FECKER STEALING ME WIFE’S FECKIN’ CLOTHES!”Mr McAnally, halfway down his back garden, turns and picks
Father Brown up, hoisting him over his shoulders. He then carries on sprinting down the length of his garden. He gets to the end and leaps with one leading hand over the fence.
The Village of Termonfeckin – Another street…
”YOU HAIRY FECKIN’ BASTARD!” shouts Mr McAnally, catching up with Mr McCustard.
”YOU’RE GONNA FEEL THE POWER OF THE WRATH OF GOD!” he screams, his face turning red.
”GOD DON’T TOLERATE NO FECKIN’ WEREWOLVES, YOU HAIRY FECKIN’ FREAK!”Without so much as a warning or a polite request, Mr McAnally lifts
Father Brown off his shoulders, swings him by the feet, and flings him after the suspected werewolf.
Struck round the ankles by a man of the cloth, Mr McCustard keeps on moving forward for half a second, before flying face forward to the ground.
Mr McAnally runs up to him, shotgun barrels mere inches from the suspect’s face.
”WELL, YOU HAIRY GOBSHITE! WHAT’VE YOU GOT TO SAY FOR YERSELF? ANY LAST WORDS?”
The Village of Termonfeckin Church…
Father Dick turns the baptismal font on full blast, extinguishing the flames! (Baptismal fonts do that, right?)
…”Don’t worry, Bishop Lennan!” shouts
Father Dick, hurriedly extracting his head from the confessional divider and coming face to face with the bishop’s plight.
“I’ll save you!”Throwing the smashed piece of confessional to the floor, Father Dick dashes over to the baptismal font, loses his footing as he runs, and trips over head first into it!
He fondles about enthusiastically for the switch to turn it on.
DRAMATICALLY rescue the Bishop! Preferably get dressed first.
…”Arg! That’s not it!” cries
Father Lars, scandalised and still naked.
”Don’t worry, Bishop Lennan!” he shouts, hurriedly extracting himself first from
Father Dick’s grasp and then from the rather crowded baptismal font.
“I’ll save you!”Sprinting over to the fallen piece of burning church currently pinning the bishop to the ground, Father Lars slips with his wet and half-baptised feet and slides the last couple of metres along the stone floor in a pose considerably more precarious that the one he had planned, before coming to a stop with the bishop at his feet.
Father Lars tumbles over, his sopping naked body fully covering both Bishop Lennan and the flames that were, until now, molesting him.
Father Lars extinguishes the flames!
Get the feck outside and call up the local fire brigade again to extinguish the flame. Also, try to calm the fleeing congregation with joyful hymns.
…”Don’t worry!” screams
Father Reilly, also clambering out of the baptismal font.
“It’s all going to be ok! I’ll rescue you! No, wait, the fire brigade might do a better job!”Father Reilly runs around for a few seconds in an entirely naked circle before finding an abandoned mobile phone on the floor. He picks it up.
“Right everyone,” he says, addressing the fleeing congregation and tackling several of them to the floor to better gain their attention and, indeed, their compliance.
“Time for hymn practice! Joyful hymns will calm us all, and will probably even calm the flames! Ready? One, two…”As Father Reilly dials 112 for emergency services, he holds the phone up and begins to conduct his impromptu and involuntary choir.
“Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning!” he sings.
“Burning!” echo the villagers.
“Give me oil in my lamp, I pray!”“Pray!”“Give me oil in my lamp, give me oil in my lamp – hang on.” Father Reilly abruptly stops.
”Hang o-““No, no, I just thought, perhaps we could find something more… apposite to the situation? Let me think…”Father Reilly scratches his chin, lost in thought as the church burns down around him. He holds the phone back up and commands his choir to sing.
“The spirit of God like a fire is burning! No wait. Blast. Never mind. Come on everybody, join in! It’s for your own good you know!”Righteous and joyous song proliferates round the church in a manner somewhat akin to the way flames might spread around a building, and the happy sound soon spreads to the church grounds as naked Father Reilly leads his flock to relative safety, where a singing circle is quickly established around the singeing church.
“Hello,” comes a very faint voice.
“Hello? What’s your emergency? Police, fire or ambulance? Hello? Hello?”From somewhere, someone produces a ukulele and a pleasant twanging soon accompanies the crackling of flames.
Two priests are naked! One church is burning!
Father Brown 4
Father Lars 3
Father Reilly 3
Father Dick -4
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Topic: Roll to Priest: The End. (Read 68891 times)