Episode Three, Turn Four: Escape to Victory!
The Village of Termonfeckin – the Parochial House…
Fill self with the Holy Spirit to bust down the door. Go help Reilly not be naked and incompetent and a big stupid gobshite.
…”That big feckin’ stupid gobshite,” exclaims
Father Lars to the bathroom in general.
“I suppose I’d better go help him not be such a naked feckin’ eejit,” he continues, taking a short run up.
“Sometimes,” he wonders, as he sprints the short distance towards the confounded bathroom door,
“Sometimes I do wonder just what the feck I’ve done to end up even in the general proximity of such an incompetent bollock,” he concludes as he bursts shoulder first through the bathroom door, shattering it into sharp pointy bits and managing with expert control to avoid carrying on forward and over the stairs railing.
“Praise be,” he gratefully adds.
Put trousers on, check self for injuries, and run like bloody hell from whatever opened the door (yes, I know its Toaster). That being done, find one of those print shops and print off some new and improved posters.
…”Feck!” shouts
Father Reilly, lying like a crime scene outline on the ground under the second story bathroom window.
“Arse!” he further explains as he checks himself for injuries.
Barring a few cuts and bruises, it seems he is perfectly ok!
As he struggles to put his trousers back on, he suddenly remembers the terrifying noise that startled him into flinging himself out of the bathroom window, turns in horror, and begins to flee!
He immediately trips over the trousers still surrounding his ankles, and smashes to the floor.
He gets back to his feet, semi-naked and more than semi-dirty, when suddenly a crushing blow from behind sends him sprawling to the floor!
“Feck!” shouts Father Reilly, groaning in pain.
“Arse!” shouts
Father Lars, his hands wrapped tightly around Father Reilly’s naked nether regions.
“Father Reilly!” he continues,
“Reilly, you need to put your feckin’ trousers on! I’ve just had a call from Bishop feckin’ Lennan – he’s coming down to Termonfeckin’ to check how we’re doing! You’ve feckin’ well got to get yourself clean and dressed!”
The Village of Termonfeckin – The Four Leafed Feckin’ Clover Public House…
After the milkman is gone, Father Brown attempts to trail him to see if his milkmanning activities appear to be stranger than usual
…”You can bet I'll be able to wake up very early in the morning, you gobshite, very feckin’ early in the morning indeed... I'll be keeping my eye on you, you little eejit...”As Mr McCustard leaves,
Father Brown hurriedly finishes the rest of his pint, wraps his cassock warmly about him, and speeds off into the early afternoon drizzle.
Outside, the cold grey street stretches interminably into the distance, and Father Brown’s heart sinks as he hears the whir of Mr McCustard’s milk float buzz away and escape his expert surveillance around a nearby corer.
But then! Father Brown remembers the top speed of a Mark 7 Electric Milk Float, and strolls off briskly down the street in hot pursuit! Turning the corner, he is overjoyed to catch up with his prey: he spies the milk float parked outside a row of houses!
“Strange feckin’ time to deliver milk!” muses Father Brown.
“Perhaps he’s just collecting the bills… perhaps…”
The Village of Termonfeckin Central Television Studio…
Father Dick patiently explains that this is all a big misunderstanding and that this whole thing is in aid of catching hairy baby makers (a worthy cause indeed) and if the good Father (Father Dick, that is) isn't released there will be hairy babies everywhere, and can he please have his clothes back?
TO THE CONFESSIONAL! AGAIN!
…”IT’S ALL A BIG FECKIN’ MISUNDERSTANDING, YOU GIANT FECKIN’ GOBSHITE! GET OFF ME IN THE NAME OF THE LORD!” screams
Father Dick, as patiently as he can.
“YOU BIG HAIRY BASTARD! YOU GREAT FECKIN’ FECKER!”Suddenly the camera shoots from one side to another, unable to keep up with the priest’s unexpected and unexpectedly rapid burst of movement as Father Dick manages to wrestle off the security guard and throw him head first against the wall and then leap to his feet!
Confounding the cameraman’s attempts to focus elsewhere, Father Dick begins to dance feverishly in front of the camera, wailing at the top of his voice.
“It’s the hairy feckin’ babies! They’re coming to take us away! They’re feckin’ well coming to take us away! Confess your feckin’ sins, you hairy feckin’ sinners!”Seemingly tired of focusing on the priest’s crotch, the camera suddenly changes to a new view of the priest’s backside as he runs away down the corridor, arms flailing as he bursts into and through the packed TV studio, diving headfirst through the nearest window and tumbling forward into the street.
“Free at last!” sings Father Dick, cartwheeling down the rainy street past a police officer.
“I’m freeeeeeeeeeee!”He hears a police whistle somewhere behind him and starts running towards the nearest church, looking back just once to taunt the unlucky copper.
“Come on you big bastard! Come on you feckers!”Father Dick shouts to every house he passes.
“Come on you randy eejits! Come and confess your big feckin’ hairy baby sins, you great shitey perverts!”One priest is naked! One priest is half naked!
Father Brown 4
Father Lars 4
Father Reilly 0
Father Dick -4
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Topic: Roll to Priest: The End. (Read 68890 times)