Episode One, Turn Eight: Burnim!
The Village of Termonfeckin...
Revive thyself through copious amounts of internal praying and continue the Litugory of the Eucharist.
...”Benedictus es, Dòmine,” starts
Father Teal, praying as hard as he can whilst he performs Mass, oblivious to the priest sitting on his head and the duct tape on his face.
“Deus univèrsi, quia de tua largitàte.”Suddenly
Father Purple jumps off his head, slings him over his shoulder, and throws Father Teal into the nearest cupboard! He walks back to his seat at the front.
“Et òperis mànuum hòminum!” comes the desperate muffled cry from inside the cupboard, which is soon accompanied by a loud banging.
“Oh feck,” realises Father Purple.
“Didn’t tie the feckin’ gobshite up! What an eejit!” Seeing as the Bishop should be arriving soon enough, I shall tie the old fecker up and hide him somewhere. Then, I shall daintily return to my seat from the beginning. Silly old Bastard...
...Father Purple quickly opens the cupboard, delivers a few subduing kicks to the groin and, whilst
Father Teal is busy shouting Mass, duct tapes his fellow priest’s arms to his sides. He kicks him once again to make sure and then slams the door shut.
“Mànuum hòminum!”As he walks once more back to his seat, he’s suddenly knocked to the floor by a wave of villagers who rush the cupboard to bend down and put an ear to the miraculous preaching furniture!
“Totiùs que Ecclèsiae suae sanctae!” rings out the now clear and triumphant voice of Father Teal.
“Oh feck,” realises Father Purple, prone and trampled on the ground behind the crowd of churchgoers. The power of prayer has clearly blasted the duct tape clean from Father Teal’s mouth!
Father Teal has completed the Liturgy of the Eucharist! (3/5)
Father Teal has a -1 taped up in a cupboard penalty next turn!
The Village of Knockcloghrim...
Motion the organist to put on something powerful. Queen or something. Tap the foot to get into the beat. Then attempt to combine the Communion Rite, defending against Father Beige's inevitable assault and rocking out.
...Dunnnnnnnnnnnn,
Dun dunnnnnnnnnn
Dun da-dunnnnnnnnnn! blasts the organ.
“Beàti qui ad cenam Agni,” mutters the priest.
Dunnnnnnnnnnnn,
Dun dunnnnnnnnnn
Dun da-da-dunnnnnnnnnn!A steady tap emanates from behind
Father Red’s altar.
Dun dunnnnnnn,
Dun dunnnnnnnnnn
Dun da-da da-da-dunnnnnnnnnn!!“Sub tectum meum, sed tantum dic,” continues Father Red, somewhat melodiously.
“Is this that ‘pop music' stuff?” asks one elderly member of the congregation of another.
“Or Psalm 42?”“I’m not sure, Glennis. It’s a bloody racket whatever it bloody well is. I’ve had enough of this new age youth shite, I’m off. Ooh, hang on! This bit looks good!”Pull out a blessed flamethrower loaded with holy napalm from under my cloak, and burn the feck out of that bastard Red and his chapel. And sing "I Don't Want to Set The World On Fire."
..."You know what? I may be bleeding, on fire, and currently down a liver and an eye, but one thing is for sure,” shouts
Father Beige as he pulls a blessed flamethrower out of his cassock and approaches the altar.
”You'll complete Mass over my dead, burning body, Red, you big turgid gobshite! Mwahahahahahahahaha!"Father Beige sprays the altar in holy napalm!
Father Red ducks behind the altar!
The holy napalm rebounds off the altar, splashing the congregation and burning off Father Beige’s pants!
Father Beige falls to the floor and rolls to extinguish the flames, but forgets to stop pulling the trigger and showers the church and congregation with holy napalm! They’re about to flee screaming when suddenly Father Red raises the altar above his head with his bare hands, uses it to shield himself from the blessed fire, and then dashes forward to smack Father Beige in the face with it until the flamethrowering fiend drops his weapon and submits once again.
Father Red remembers to stop banging his head and his altar long enough to reach the end of the Communion Rite.
“Adiutòrium nostrum in nòmine Dòmini.””Yer big feckin’ gobshite,” replies Father Beige, spitting out several teeth.
!!Father Red!! has completed the Communion Rite! (4/5)
!!Father Beige!! has accrued a non-authorised swear word warning!
The Village of Cloonsherevagh...
While Father Pink is a little incapacitated, grab some random syringes and liquids and inject him with them. Pink needs some medical attention, after all. Also state to the congregation that Pink botched the communion rite so badly that it needs to be done again.
...Seeing
Father Pink incapacitated – accidentally, it has to be admitted – by his own hand stirs something of the good Samaritan in
Father Green’s soul. Not only does he need to be removed from beneath the ambulance, Father Pink also urgently needs medical attention! Father Green rushes to the ambulance, grabs as many syringes and colourful liquids as he can see, and injects them straight into the only part of Father Pink that he can spy protruding from beneath the suddenly smoking vehicle!
“There you go Father! You know, your fecking Communion Rite was so feckin’ shite I think we should start all over again and have a nice sing along. What do you say about that then, you big eejit?”Dislodge self from ambulance, steal that gobshite Green's robe, and deliver unto the masses a feckin' inspiring Communion!
...”Arrg! Me feckin’ arse!” shouts
Father Pink as he feels a sudden stabbing sensation in his left buttock.
“What feckin’ eejit just stabbed me right in me feckin’ arse?!” Immediately feeling as if miraculously filled with the strength of God, or possibly just an elephant’s worth of adrenaline, the stricken priest raises the ambulance above his head and tosses it through the nearby wall!
The wall collapses to the ground in a huge pile of bricks! At the bottom Father Pink’s naked legs and feet can be seen, poking out at a strange angle.
The ceiling of the church begins to take on a slightly lopsided appearance.
“Blimey! A creaking church roof! I’ve always wanted to see one of those!” squeals
Father Green in delight.
”It must be a feckin’ sign from the Lord!”Father Pink has completed the Liturgy of the Eucharist! (3/5)
The Village of Ardglass...
Get up, rush to the altar and begin telling everyone what a wonderful dream I experienced when in close proximity to Father Cyan!
Hug him closer like a drinking buddy, and preach with him in my sonorous drone!
...“I,” begins
Father Veridian, ominously and standing behind the altar.
“Had a dream. A wonderful feckin’ dream it was. I had a dream that one day this congregation will rise up, and join me in rubbing my face all over Father Cyan’s face! That one day we will discuss, as one joyous flock, the merits of Grade A and Grade B loft insulation! That-“Say the fecking Communion Rite!
...Father Cyan gets up and takes his rightful place at the head of his flock, pushing Father Veridian to the floor to make space.
Although now horizontal,
Father Veridian doesn’t stop.
“But also I dreamt about that time when, in Priest School, I had to work part time to fund my studies, and I worked tidying the shelves at Safeway, but I got the feckin’ sack because I was too feckin’ slow, they said I didn’t need to measure the distance over every single-““Jesus Christ. Forgive me Father, I just cannae take any more! Praecèptis salutàribus mòniti,” shouts
Father Cyan, drowning out the droning monstrosity.
“Et divìna institutiòne formàti…”The congregation sighs with relief.
Father Cyan has completed the Communion Rite! (4/5)
The Village of Creggenbaun...
Flush my eyes with communion wine, ignore Father Silver's un-Christian shenanigans and lead the congregation in the Communion Rites in the darkness. It was good enough for our feckin' ancestors, it'll be good enough for us.
...In the slightly less bright church, now shorn of one antique lamp but still illuminated by the sunlight flooding in through the stained windows,
Father Brown stands behind the altar and pours wine over his face. Refreshed and unblinded, he launches right into the Communion Rite.
While everyone is distracted make finely powdered aphrodisiac powder and throw it on everyone. Excluding me.
...Suddenly
Father Silver stops strolling nonchalantly round the church waving his arms and runs up to
Father Brown, throwing some kind of fine white powder in his face. The large quantity he doesn’t immediately swallow sticks to his wine-sodden features, lending him a ghastly and muddy ghostly complexion. He battles bravely on, trying his best to ignore the strange stirring in his loins and instead concentrate on the words of the Lord.
Father Brown has completed the Communion Rite! (4/5)
Father Brown has gained the everlasting wrath of a Bishop’s revenge!
Father Silver has gained the everlasting wrath of a Bishop’s revenge!
Father Brown has a -1 aphrodisiac penalty next turn!
The congregation has a -1 aphrodisiac penalty next turn!
The Village of Mullaghbrack...
I think you know where I'm going with this.
..."You feckin' heartless gobshite! No true man o' the cloth would ignore the suffering of his flock like this!” shouts Father Orange to the busily preaching
Father Blue.
“You must be... A WITCH!"The congregation seem immediately convinced.
Father Blue shall give the best feckin' Communion Rite ever, raising his voice as necessary to drone out murmurs of discontent/screaming/sirens!
And he won't have any more feckin' interruptions! Any gobshites who distract him will get Father Orange thrown at 'em.
This has been the most stressful feckin' Mass Father Blue cares to remember and he bloody well wants to get it feckin' over with!
...”Burn him!” shouts
Father Blue’s congregation, referring to Father Blue.
“Burn him! He’s a witch! A witch! Wait. Has anyone got a duck?”A slightly worried looking Father Blue ignores the shouted requests for a duck and launches right into what he hopes might well be the best feckin' Communion Rite ever, raising his voice louder and louder and, indeed, beginning to shout to drown out the multiplying requests for a duck.
“Here! I’ve got one! Use mine! Use mine! I’ve got a duck!”The congregation are temporarily silent.
“Lìbera nos,” shouts Father Blue.
”Quaesumus, Dòmine!”“Got any scales?” comes a cry from the villagers.
“We could use the scales in the churchyard? The big ones?”“Semper lìberi et ab omni!”“Burn him! Burn him!”“Um.”“She’s a witch! A witch!”“Oh for feck’s sake, yer big bunch of gobshites. I’m not a feckin’ witch!”Fearing for his life and no longer able to ignore the vengeful crowd of locals, Father Blue takes a short run up behind his altar, sprints forward, leaps through the air over the witch hunters, and lands right in front of
Father Orange. Without another word he bends down, picks up his rival priest by the ankles, and hurls him directly at the incoming congregation!
“Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeooooff!”They are stunned into subjugation! And many are stunned into the floor!
Having parted the crowd, Father Blue strolls back to his altar and steps up to finish addressing his flock.
“Amen.”Father Blue has completed the Communion Rite! (4/5)
Please continue to PM your actions!
After the Liturgy of the Eucharist comes the Communion Rite (4/5)!
And then! The Concluding Rite! (5/5)
New Feature: Two Feckin' Turns To Go Top Three Mass Giver Leaderboard!
1. Father Red
2. Father Cyan
3. Father Brown
Extra Special Second New Feature: Two Shitin' Turns To Go Top Three Mass Spoiler Leaderboard!
1. Father Purple
2. Father Green
3. Father Orange
Please note: these rankings are almost entirely arbitrary and the final selection will be carried out according to rigorously defined and observed scientific procedures. That said, they should give you a pretty good idea of what's what.
Regular GM note: What the bollocks was RNG thinking of: 10 4s and 5s? Feck.
Author
Topic: Roll to Priest: The End. (Read 69105 times)