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[calwick]

I'm posting this here because this is pretty much the only online community that I would trust the advice of. I'm also using a new account because I want to keep this separate from my main online identity.

I'm currently at university, in the middle of my degree. My university often gets people from other countries spending a year here. Six weeks from the end of term, I ended up getting into a relationship (my first) with one of them. We had a very enjoyable time together, but my exams were a bit of a looming spectre, and as they got nearer we were able to spend less and less time together. Pretty much immediately after exams were over, she had to leave, and now she's on the other side of the Atlantic.

The question was always looming of whether or not to try and keep things going across the Atlantic. Soon after we started, I decided that in either case, it would be best to make the time that we would have in the same country. My friends could also see the problem of what to do once she left, and would keep asking me if we were going to try and keep things going. The way that they kept talking about it implied that they thought that the two options (keep things going or end things) we both incredibly hard, would both be absolutely devastating, but that's not the case. It's a hard choice, but because they are both things that I could do.

I could keep things going easily. I've been doing it for a month so far, and there haven't been any problems. We stay in touch pretty much everyday, and have some very pleasant chats. But I could also stop things without any problem.

I'm a man who takes things slow, and having spent only six weeks together, during which the spectre of exams were looming over me, I'm not particularly reliant upon the relationship. We have a very nice time together, but it's something that I could easily live without. I don't think she feel the same way about me, though. She is a lot more invested, and although I wouldn't lose any sleep if things were to end, she would be pretty devastated.

I can't really talk about this with my friends in meatspace, as they keep saying that "you're such a cute couple", and think that that is sufficient reason to stay together, or say that "But how can you do anything when you're on the other side of the Atlantic", and think that physical contact is a necessity (often coupled with the belief that relationships are just formalities surrounding sexual proclivities).

It's been a very good relationship that we've had. I know far too many other people who rush into relationships, fight all the time, and have a messy breakup a few weeks later. Ours has had none of that - it's been smooth sailing from the start. Her family are massive fans of me, We have a great time together, and out progress together has been smooth and flawless. She's also incredibly emotionally supportive, and has been someone who I can talk about loads of problems that I can't talk to other people about. However, I am not under the illusion that this makes her unique. I'm perfectly aware there there do exist other people who meet all these criteria, but would be a lot more easy to have a relationship with. That's not to say that I'm unhappy with what we have, though. I'm very happy, but I just don't think that it's irreplaceable.

[Osmosis Jones]

Wait, are you actually asking for advice, or just venting?

If the former, I'd advise you to let it end UNLESS there is a definite time frame on one of crossing you the pond, and that timeframe is months, not years.

Put simply, long distance relationships don't work for indefinite time frames. Over the short term, yeah; a healthy relationship can handle a few months apart, as long as you know you're getting back together. However, this relationship? You've said it yourself, you're not hugely invested in it (I would be surprised if you were, after just 6 weeks). All you're doing is forcing exclusivity on yourself and her. While I'm sure neither of you are the cheating type, that just leads to resentment. Or, at the very least, a slow drifting apart with an awkward ending.

Then there's the fact that as months go by, you'll have less and less in common. You'll make different friends, get different interests, and one day find that you're each talking about stuff the other knows nothing about. A relationship thrives on communication, and lack of common ground just hinders that.

So, better to break it off neatly and cleanly now, and stay friends. If, sometime down the line, you meet again, you can always pick up where you left off. 

Oh, one more thing;

...and think that physical contact is a necessity...

It is. Oh, I don't mean sex, I mean actual close contact; hugging, kissing, just spending time with each other. There's a reason we do them, you know; they reinforce the bonds between people. For example, when you kiss, your brain gets flooded with dopamine and oxytocin. The pleasurable sensations of this are a big part of what love is; chemically speaking, an all-natural crack addiction with your partner as your dealer  (well, in part; there's more to love than just hormones, but denying they play a major role is demonstrably false).

Without the close contact that causes such bountiful highs, it gets harder and harder to keep the relationship actually alive.

[LordBucket]

Wait, are you actually asking for advice, or just venting?

His entire posts contains no questions. I see nothing to answer.

Calwick: if you have questions, ask them. If you have no questions, then we have read your post and accept that your situation exists.

Do you desire further assistance?

[calwick]

Wait, are you actually asking for advice, or just venting?

Calwick: if you have questions, ask them. If you have no questions, then we have read your post and accept that your situation exists.

Do you desire further assistance?

I don't have any explicit advice, I just sort of wanted to vent and sort out get an outside opinion on the situation. It can be really hard to get any impartial observations from people you know in real life.

[LordBucket]

an outside opinion

Decide what you want and pursue it. Don't invest energy into things that will make you unhappy. Be considerate of her feelings. Don't worry too much about what others think.

[i2amroy]

an outside opinion

Decide what you want and pursue it. Don't invest energy into things that will make you unhappy. Be considerate of her feelings. Don't worry too much about what others think.

Seconded. I will give this piece of advice here, which comes form my family hosting several exchange students (I think we're on number 7 now) quite a few of which have ended up getting into relationships while present here.

My piece of advice is this, long-distance relationships are a very tricky thing to handle, and if you have a life here and she has a life there then my best piece of advice is to end it nicely. While a bit of separation can work at times in a relationship, I've found it works best in the short term. A few months apart is no big deal, but if her original plans were to come over for a year and then go back "home" then that could be a problem. It's much better to end the deeper relationship and maybe stay friends or keep in touch (knowing people in other countries is never harmful!) then it is to both remain in separate places until eventually one of you ends it when you might not still care enough for each other to have a good break.

Of course the final decision is yours (and hers too), so you are welcome to take my advice or leave it.