(...)
First thought, right after waking up: Wait, is that me?
Second thought: I swear that's just me.
Current thought: That read like if you fed my posts into a text-generating AI, but it didn't understand why I have the textual tics that I do. I suppose that's essentially what you did, but you fed it into your own mind. I'm subvocalizing someone imitating my voice while reading it. Thanks for the early-morning laugh!
I can explain the frequent use of quotes, semicolons and parentheses. It's all about timing. I read my posts in my head, and I try to inject timing signals (i.e. punctuation) into my text so that it gets read with the timing I want. I don't know if it actually works, but it makes me happy.
The lack of emoticons... that's just me not making full use of my visual system. I still need my eyes to see the posts, obviously, but my entire communications back-end is rooted in the auditory system. I don't get faces nor body language very well (or at all, for that matter), so why would I use a system that emulates either of those? I can understand emoticons, but I can't "speak" emoticons. Makes humor and non-serious tones kinda hard to express.
FAILURE. methylatedspirit, as far as I've read, has never posted that much. You need to cut at least one paragraph to be authentic, and the first one is far too big.
EDIT: Ok, maybe methylatedspirit's technical manuals have been a bit longer. C-
I want to deny it, but that's roughly correct most of the time. Goddamn it. I actually do make longer posts, like right now; depends on how much I can say about something.