ONE YEAR LATER
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"Ririli, last year's trade caravan never came back. As the Supreme Druidical Priest of the Holy Elf Order, I appoint you to mount an expedition to track down our missing traders."
"Yesh shir! No shir! We will shucceed, shir!"
~~~~~~~~~~
"Urist, it's that time of year again. Come outside with me, I have a job for you."
"Outside? Year? How long's a year again?"
"Just follow me."
"Oh god! What the hell is that blue thing up there? It's so huge! Is it a... aarrgh... blegh..."
"See that purple thing over there?"
"You mean the place where the useless crap gets dropped off and is never seen again? So that's what it looks like from the outside! And what's that insid- eww!"
"It's our job to hide those elf skeletons before another elf caravan gets here. With luck, we can milk 'em for ten years' worth of cloth before they catch on."
"What's that rumbling?! Is that blue thing going to eat us?!!"
"It's the caravan! Too late! Duck and cover!!"
~~~~~~~~~~
"Are you shure thish is the right place? Half of it'sh raining blood and the other half'sh dug sho much it'sh like it'sh inshide out. How unnassheral."
"Yup, from the map they made last year, this is definitely their third stop, Doomedcity! Let's go investigate and try to sell this damned cloth to the heathens!"
"Ish that a skelet-"
"HEY ELVES! IT'S ME, URISSssssBLEGH! Gack! Hobleh! ANYWAY, COME INSIDE FOR A BIT! WE HAVE LOTS OF FUN STUFF TO SHOW YOU!! NEVER MIND PARKING THE CARAVAN!!"
"Fun shtuff? I love fun shtuff! Maybe it'sh another one of those weird mini-forgesh!"
*ten minutes later*
"So, uh, this is our entrance hall, and this is a secret happy fun lever that you mustn't touch, and here's where we grow thousands of questionable purple fungi, and here's, uh, our Hall of Engraving-"
"That one looks like an elf getting kicked in the head by a water buffalo!"
"That's, uh, your imagination! So, while our valet parks your caravan, would you like a tour of our craftsmanship rooms?"
~~~~~~~~~~
"Bomrek, the skeleton's stuck. It won't move."
"Dammit! Those elves will be back any second and you're telling me their predecessors' skeletons are stuck under a bin of *rope reed cloth* that you can't even move?!"
"Quick, get your Home Masonry Kit and wall this place off!!"
"Hello! Did we mish anything while we were touring your environmentally uncertified fortressh?!"
"Hey! You! Unload all your cloth and wait right there! Yes, there! Now don't move!!"
~~~~~~~~~~
"Pull the lever? I hope you've told them something so they don't get worried. Pulling levers all day is hard on the triceps, you know."
"No! Damn! Pull the lever NOW! PULL IT! I DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENS!!"
~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh, that big ol' bridgesh is lifting up! Wow, it sure does fit that hole in the wall perfectly! In fact, if those nice dwarvesh weren't working on the underground exit hallway we'd be totally shtuck-"
"There's a floodgate blocking the hallway."
"..."
"..."
"If you die firsht I dibs eating you."
~~~TIME PASSES~~~
"Gaaaaah..."
"Ugggrrrrrghhhshhhh..."
"I'd eat a tree right now..."
"Don't talk to me about treesh!"
~~~MORE TIME PASSES~~~
"Aaaarghh!! AAAARRGGHHHH!!"
"No! That'sh a shkeleton! You can't eat it!!"
"AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
~~~~~~~~~~
"Urist, you reckon they're crazy by now?"
"No, the primal screams we heard were probably just a stress-relieving exercise."
"Shut up! I'm pulling the lever this time!"
"No! You fool! You aren't qualified to-"
~~~~~~~~~~
"DOOR OPEN! KILL DORF! KILL ALL DORF! AAAAAARRRGGGHHHHH!!"
"KILL DORF!! KILL DORF!! KILL DORF!! AND SHPINNY ROUND BLADEY THINGS AREN'T GOING TO SHTOP US A
As fun as water buffalo are, there's just something more reliable about serrated disc traps. And now their elven clothing is sorted by body part on individual tiles! The best part is how I get free plants and clothes every year. Actually, no, the best part is carving rudely engraved memorial slabs and placing them in a series of hallways that cunningly spell "LOL FAG" to prevent their ghosts from haunting us. The third best part is having a lever system to co-ordinate all this elf starvation/insanity.