Try to recall if there is some sort of religion the hero has, and ask questions about it, listening for threads to grasp at.
Wait until we can weave a tapestry of lies before pulling at any thread. Also, warn him that the demons may attempt to influence him towards un-needed violence. Oh yes, and ask if he happens to have a flag which can fly over your castle, and start waxing about a public ceremony in his honor, etc etc. Be fully enthusiastic about this, swallowing all feelings of nausea and the urge to go on a rampant poisoning spree.
You ask him about his religious beliefs. He gives you some tripe about not really being religious per se, but growing up with a strong sense of ethics and what's right and so on. It's a mercifully brief explanation.
Do we have any minions who are both discreet and competent? If we can get away from the "hero" for a few minutes, we could have the minion commission a fancy crown with a minor fear enchantment (so it feels evil) and hide it somewhere.
discreet
competent
Uh. Uhhhhhhhh.
You... don't think you have anyone like that.
Explain that being "released" from the "demon" left you powerless, and unable to help him. However, you'd be more than "happy" to give him "directions." Note to "self": do NOT include the air quotes when explaining this.
Don't do this. It has already been shown that is not doing to fly.
Yeah, plus you already agreed to go with him.
You could maybe fake some weakness you "didn't realize" before to get out of it, but most likely he'd just ask when you'd be better or offer to carry you or something.
Blegh.
Can we get a mental count of our resources and or powers?
Well, as far as powers go, you're
dead sexy, awesome,
really awesome, brilliant, and the best swordsman to ever live. This was a fluke.
For resources, that partially depends on how much of a mess the hero made getting in here. Actually it doesn't, you've got a sick castle, a vault full of treasure, a lot of fine luxuries that could feed a starving peasant family for years, legions of faceless guards, and probably a lot of more specialized "minions" of varying talents and loyalties. Loyalties meaning confidence they'll be paid soon, not, like, willingness to not stab you for your shoes even if they weren't more expensive than most houses.
Hero probably hacked up and/or stole some of that on his way in and/or will on his way out, but you doubt that'll change the big picture much.
You've also probably got a lot of prisoners, artifacts, specific minions, or other stuff you're forgetting about or don't see the relevance of right now.
Oh yes, and ask if he happens to have a flag which can fly over your castle, and start waxing about a public ceremony in his honor, etc etc. Be fully enthusiastic about this, swallowing all feelings of nausea and the urge to go on a rampant poisoning spree.
Suggest to the hero that tricking your evil minions into thinking you are still a evil overlord would be a good idea so that he does not have to fight his way out and so you two can use the resources of your evil... Empire... Thing.
Or we could try to slaughter our way out. Whatever the hero wants.
Really at this point we just want to fucking get up and not be about to be slashed.
Perhaps we should mention that our "former" minions are already paid up for the month, and that we can order them to spend the rest of the month making shoes for orphans. They'll be happier than if they're told to fight, and it's our first step to "redemption." (We can later use the shoes-for-orphans in a trap.)
Yeah, you'd really like to keep all your neat stuff but also not get slashed.
You try for the best-case scenario first, reminding him how awesome it'll be that you can use your empire's resources to help save the world like this. He responds by asking if those resources are the same ones you got by enslaving and overtaxing the people.
*SIGH*You try to explain that it's better to use it for the greater good, but he just sternly tells you to "give it back." You successfully repress the urge to vomit.
Okay, you say, there's been some slavery. And labor camps. And... look, there's a lot of stuff he really doesn't need to be reminded of. By which you mean you're traumatized just thinking about it.
But there's a lot of legitimate stuff too, right?
Some of those taxes must have been fair, right? And a lot of those people probably
deserved being sentenced to hard labor! In fact all right he's looking at you suspiciously again.
Fine, you say, you'll do what you can to set things right. But, it'd be pretty destabilizing if the kingdom was just abolished like that, right? Wouldn't it be better if you kept things exactly the way they were now but just did all that stuff he wanted you to do instead?
Like feeding orphans, he asks? Suppressing the urge to say no very loudly, you say maybe but it's complicated. There's all sorts of logistics involved, and he doesn't want to overtax farmers just to feed orphans does he? That'll just lead to starving farmers and thus MORE orphans!
You seem to have cowed him with complexity. You're not sure how long that'll last, but it should stop him from opening up your vaults and showering nonlethal gold on the people, at least.
Unfortunately, he then asks if you've got an armory and a healer.
Armory? Doable, but tricky.
Healer? Uh oh.
See, you've actually got several armories in different grades, each with its own quirks to it. You could also just, you know, tell him about more than one, but you're not entirely sure you see the point of telling the truth when you could lie to him instead. Maybe it'd result in less slashings, you don't know.
Anyway, the first armory is the peasant armory. This isn't so much an armory as a toy box- you use it to equip people who are going to die horribly, whether from being eaten by lions or stabbed by a different starving peasant with similarly useless gear but apparently a sliver more luck and/or skill.
The primary advantage to the peasant armory is that there's absolutely no chance the hero will get anything good out of it. It might also make you look poorer than you already are, though you assume he's seen your guards with their not-rusty-sticks gear, so you're not sure how that'd go down. The downside is that there's also absolutely nothing in there of use to you, and in general the further he stays from your peasant deathmatch pits the better.
Next up is the guard's armory. This gear is basic but reliable- it's mass-produced for your faceless soldiers. The advantages and disadvantages are essentially those of the peasant armory- you don't
think there's anything in there he could use, but there could be some handy tools or something. There's also nothing in there you'd care for personally, though it'd be better than nothing.
Then there's your personal armory. That's full of all sorts of masterwork weapons, finely crafted and usually imported from far-off lands for exorbitant prices while your people starve. Small price to pay for having a really awesome-looking sword on your wall.
The downside is that the hero might find something in there he likes, and you might have to explain all these imported masterpieces. Upside is that there's stuff you can use.
Finally... you've got your magic vault. The weapons in there aren't just magical, they're downright weird- you doubt you'd use any of it yourself, at least not without seeing a peasant use it for a bit. Not that you'd give any of it to a peasant either, lest they suddenly gain the ability to fly or shoot ice shards or something.
The advantages to this one are that he really wouldn't be able to suspect you of holding out on him, and under the best case scenario he might even pick up a cursed item or something to accidentally light himself on fire with. The downside is that he might actually be able to make use of some of it, and while the stuff in there is undoubtedly
powerful, you'd really rather not use it if you don't have to.
As for the healer...
You
have someone for that, but you're pretty sure there's a reason it'd be a bad idea to introduce them. What was that again...?
Author
Topic: Emerald Overlord: Decisiveness and Gumballs (Read 14698 times)