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[Sensei]

**Remember that new rules will be found in the Pantheon spoiler**

Welcome back. Do you remember our last game? Probably not, because you DIED LIKE A SPINELESS MOLLUSK last time around.

If you are joining us for the first time, or have not already learned your lesson about CRUEL, UNCARING FATE, allow me to explain: During each turn, you make ONE action. If you roll a 1, you WILL DIE. If you roll a 2, you will be HORRIBLY MAIMED OR DISFIGURED. If you roll a 3, 4 or 5, you will succeed your action to varying degrees. If you roll a 6, you will succeed but also MAIM, KILL OR DISFIGURE YOURSELF OR SOMEONE ELSE.

Sometimes, succeeding will inadvertently MAIM, KILL OR DISFIGURE YOURSELF OR SOMEONE ELSE ANYWAY. This is in addition to any horrors you may commit deliberately.

Your goal is to survive to the end of THREE FULL TURNS. Upon doing so, you will ASCEND TO GODHOOD and leave behind your futile attempts to have an impact on your pathetic mortal life. If you become a god, then you will join THE PANTHEON and you may make one change to the rules or the setting of the game. The only stipulation is that what you do may not be directly targeted at another specific character. If you do NOT become a god, it is because you have not completed three turns, and have instead found yourself in the TOMB OF THE UNKNOWN LOSER.

To start, simply create a character. You do not need to wait for my confirmation, all characters will be served. You will need:

-A NAME. Yes, only one.
-A GENDER. If applicable.
-ONE SKILL
-ONE ITEM. Other than clothes and things which will not greatly affect gameplay. You can have a necktie for free, but if you're trying to strangle someone with it, it's your one item.
-A BACKGROUND. To describe how you frittered away your brief time in this world before your sudden gruesome death.
-Your FIRST ACTION. You will do this immediately.

Each turn, INCLUDING WHEN YOU CREATE YOUR CHARACTER, you must select an action. If you have not chosen an action by the time I feel a turn should roll around, your character will pick their nose, regardless of how much peril they may be in.

Once several characters have been submitted, I will create a SETTING and enact your actions in it. YES, you choose your actions before you know what setting you're all in on the game's first term. Tough luck for pioneers. The same thing could happen if a god changes the setting later.

COMMENCE SLAUGHTER. Will you kill your friends deliberately, or only by accident? EITHER WAY YOUR MORTAL LIVES ARE MEANINGLESS.

Spoiler: THE PANTHEON (New Rules Here!) (click to show/hide)

Nathan, Titan of Triage (HmH): Limb-stealing magical healer. This god made a pond on the Savanna "fluoridated", it will sap and impurify your body fluids.
MC Fly Money, Swag Prince of Inferno (agentorangesoda): A disembodied Wraith of Swag, deafeated the prince of Hell in rap battle. This god requires that everybody rap out their actions, or at least make rap references.
Steve, Trickster God (Flintus10): Made things "disappear" with explosions. Much after his ascension and without warning, secretly reversed the dice for a turn.
Glorp, the All Consuming (EveryZig): Giant slime who digested a lot. This god descended from the heavens to kill, one last time (but the prey got away).
Pime Taradox, the Immutable (Spinal_Taper): Erected a time-sphere and used it to reverse all injuries inflicted upon him by Nathan. Made stuff happen in BULLET TIME.
Talwar, The Survivor (Tiruin): A city guard who managed to survive everything nature threw at him. Bonus points for wear exploded elephant skin. Made 1's give you a -1 on your next roll instead of instant kill.
Akar, King of the Jungle (IronyOwl): An excellent role model for lions: Namely, he ate things and made everything else bow to him. Formerly a player-killing NPC. This god has not acted yet.
BunnyBob, Maker of Truth from Lies (BunnyBob77): Made a cult, then ironically actually became a god. Introduced a non-native giant rabbit to the ecosystem.
Gimli, Son of Groin, Saint of Dwarven Heritage (Remalle): Chopped a tree, and a dude. Nearly discovered something. Set the game inside a vast underground cave system.
Hans Handerson, The Pantsless (Noodlerex): Won one fight and ran from a couple others. Lost pants. This god invoked a rule so that all who roll the same number twice in a row will die.
Johhny Momma, Existentialist Gangster (anailater): Shot a cop, but didn't kill kill him because divine retribution got him first. Came to some interesting conclusions about why it's acceptable to kill cops. This god has decreed that, unless you kill another player, it shall take 4 turns to ascend.
Greyblade, Inveigler of Warriors (EveryZig): A magical sword that acted through its wielders. Through shiny awesomeness, convinced a human meatbag to rescue it from a deep pool of water, even though he died in the process. This god made it so that characters on their final turn before ascension must make two actions.
King puTac of the West Side (TCM): Gangster from the west side. Did a lot of shooting, and killed a cop. Was nearly killed by his drunk driving homie Jose. This god changed the setting to the gangster-filled greater LA area in California.

Spoiler: TOMB OF THE UNKNOWN LOSER (click to show/hide)

Beatrix (lawastooshort): Survived 0 turns before being impaled by a mollusk, which he then pulverized.
Sirwir (IronyOwl): Survived 0 turns. Impaled a vile land dweller, but then got pulverized.
Meowface McKittensburg (DinosaurusRex_x): Survived 0 turns. Got trampled by an elephant, which is easy to do when you're a kitten.
Juan (Nirur Torir): Survived 1 turn. Caught on fire in an overclocking accident.
Fortuna (Tiruin): Survived 1 turn. Blessed weapon could not slay entire herd of stampeding elephants. Also tried self resurrection one turn later (nice try).
Salwir (IronyOwl): Survived 1 turn. Tamed a lion, but it turned on her because she smelled like yummy tuna.
Gertrude (lawastooshort): Survived 1 turn. Tried to eat a man eating slime faster than a man eating slime could eat her. Lost an opposed roll.
Robert (remalle): Survived 2 turns. Couldn't use his hands to fix his burned hands. Drowned in related underwater basket weaving attempt.
Mikael Philps (Imakuni): Survived 2 turns. Was a pretty good swimmer, but couldn't swim out of Glorp the giant slime.
Bobbly Dob (anailater): Survived 1 turn. Executed for turning to a life of crime after his fall from stardom in a horrible backflipping accident.
William Shakespeare (Spinal_Taper): Survived 0 turns. Was going to read a poem, but he choked to death on a fly. Just like the real Shakespeare!
BonnieClyde (Spinal_Taper): Survived 1 turn. Sorry Spinal_Taper. Was a government attempt to resurrect Bonnie and Clyde that became one person. Shot by a maniac cop for no reason in particular.
WarglGarbl (Scottsman): Survived 2 turns. A formless being of pure chaos. After having some mass melted and burned away, finally tried to fly and splattered itself across the cave floor when it couldn't concentrate.
Ted (Spectr): Survived 1 turn. A ragin' Neopets admin with a ban-hammer. Picked a fight with a dancing acrobat, then got ambushed by a homicidal gerbil when he was already on the ropes.
Mark (Scelly9): Survived 1 turn. Was shot and failed to properly bandage his wounds. THEN was obliterated by the rap gods.
Starfox (DinosaurusRex_x): Survived 2 turns. Attempted a kamikaze attack in his spacecraft, but a sudden engine explosion meant he didn't even get that far.
Joshua (Nicholas1024): Survived 2 turns. Lost his sword throwing it at a space ship, and was wounded by satanic animals. Ended up diving into HmH's poisonous water and dying while trying to retrieve Greyblade.
Ran (lawastooshort): Survived 2 turns. Sentient gerbil managed to kill one player and chase another down before errant from from westside gangsters brought his leg-gnawing spree to an end.
Mikey (lopocozo): Survived 3 turns. Action reporter got video footage of intelligent animals and, though wounded, nearly absconded with it. However, at the last moment, he forgot to pay his respects to the rap gods, who sealed his path to ascension from him. Thus he collapsed of his wounds.
Dr. Whom, Private Investigator (Windpoison): Survived 1 turn. In the midst of investigating a gerbil murder, killed by a rogue Myranosaurus. By the way, if you're wondering what a Myranosaurus is, there are only two results on Google: This thread, and a misspelled tweet from somebody who isn't speaking English.
Nikolai (Tsuchigumo550): Survived 0 turns. Failed to drink a keg of vodka, which would have given him super powers. Then, because of earthquakes from the destruction of Australia, got killed by a falling stalactite. First turn 0 kill in a while.
Myranosaurus Vex (Noodlerex): Survived 1 turn. A giant dinosaur, ultimately killed in an even more giant explosion when he stomped on the wrong house in compton- IE one that was a meth lab, a munitions dump, and full of stolen gasoline.
Tinkerbell the Magnificent (FingO): Survived 1 turn. A rogue militant tooth fairy, was impaled by a coincidental falling dinosaur tooth and failed to bandage the enormous wound. Oh, and got hit by parts of a dismembered gangster.
Copy (zomara0292): Survived 1 turn. Sought to weave the universe like a previous basket weaving character, but with crochet instead. Fought against the attacks of an adventurer, but was ultimately killed.

Dead People: Please wait a turn or two before joining in again, unless there's not that many players.

[Remalle]

Heh, this looks hilarious.

Name: Robert
Gender: Male
Skill: Weaving
Item: A sewing needle
Background: Robert (or "Bob") likes to weave.  He's good at it.  He makes fabric for all his friends on their birthdays.  He wants to ascend to godhood so he can WEAVE THE VERY FABRIC OF REALITY.
Action: Underwater basket weaving!

[Nirur Torir]

Name: Juan
Gender: Male
Skill: Aeronautical Research
Item: Really Great Laptop that was Legally Purchased^TM.
Background: Juan is a "scientist" who wants nothing more than to colonize Mars. He is completely self-taught, having never set foot in a school of any sort. If asked, he will vow that he is a legally born resident of the country, and it is not at all his fault if the government somehow lost and destroyed every record of his existence.

Use my laptop to invent a colony ship capable of carrying a self-sufficient colony to Mars.

[HmH]

Name: Nathan
Gender: Male
Skill: Magical 'Healing'
Item: Cleric's Staff
Background: Nathan is a professional bathrobe prancer, boss-maker and team-killer. Despite being as wizardly as a person can get, he is not a student of the arcane arts; rather, he's an zealous worshipper and the first cleric of the Dark Lord Cheddarius.

Preach the Truth of Cheddarius, gathering an audience of keen listeners. As soon as I see someone sick, stop preaching and drag the sick person somewhere my audience can see them.
"And now, it's TIME for a DEMONSTRATION of my Lord's DIVINE POWERS! Behold as I inflict His numerous BLESSINGS upon this SICK CREATURE!"

[lawastooshort]

Name: Beatrix
Gender: Male
Skill: Axe usage.
Item: An axe
Background: Beatrix's papa was a lumberjack. Beatrix always wanted to become a lumberjack. Beatrix became a lumberjack. He lives to chop. And press flowers.
Action: Find the nearest object. Chop it down.

[Tiruin]

Name: Fortuna
Gender: Female
Skill: Gambling
Item: Main-gauche
Background: In the numerous pubs and taverns, money is mostly a free-market currency here. With most things down to whatever actions people do, it was rather nebulous to find opportunities knocking.

Call on the God of Luck to consecrate my weapon!

[agentorangesoda]

Name: MC Fly Money
Gender: Male
Skill: Swaggermancy
Item: Shutter Shades of Freshness
Background: MC Fly Money has spent millennia mastering the choicest of the rhapsodic arts.  True mastery of swaggermancy is a constant struggle as the essence of swag is constantly morphing, changing, and evolving.

Conclude quest to the Plane of Inferno to obtain the hottest of freestyles

[IronyOwl]

-A NAME: Sirwir
-A GENDER: Female
-ONE SKILL: Escaping predators
-ONE ITEM: Very well-kept shell
-A BACKGROUND: Sirwir is a spineless mollusc who doesn't much care for all the RACISM going on around here. She looks somewhat like a nautilus-man, mainly because knowing she's a nautilus-woman requires sensitivity to certain pheromones or a degree in marine biology. Nonethelesss, she's crawled up out of the seas to set this place right.
-Your FIRST ACTION: Feed on passersby.

[DinosaurusRex_x]

Name: Meowface McKittensberg
Gender: Female Kitten
One Skill: Claw-Fu
One Item: Adamantium nails.
Background: Meowface McKittensberg has lived a live a luxury, being played with constantly and having every toy known to cat-kind.  She was given training of how to be the alpha cat by the unemployed martial artist who cared for her in the household and beat out a dozen more established and significantly bigger cats to get in her place.  Her owner was killed in a tragic furniture moving accident in the household, and she ended up eating her former master after all food dishes ran empty.  Having exhausted that food supply, she turned on her feline brethren.  She is now on the loose, white fur stained in blood, and looking to meow her way into goddesshood.

First Action: find an old lonely lady to manipulate

[Sensei]

Turn One

You all stand (well, those of you with legs) in a grassy savanna. There is short grass in some places and tall grass in others. The only particular landmark is a large murky pond, with a few scattered trees. In the heat-hazy distance, herds of zebra and elephants march across the plains. A few birds drinking from the pond startle at your presence.

Remalle - Robert: (3) You pluck some grass and, with a deep breath, dive into the murky water, where you begin to weave a basket. Despite the poor visibility, you twist the water-logged reeds into a small basket. There are now one baskets in the savanna.

Nirur Torir - Juan: You sit down in the warm dirt with your laptop and open up your CADD program. (2) As your model of a spaceship packed with pre-fab structures and living facilities grows, the computer begins to lag. Frustrated, you open the BIOS to overclock your processor. You figure a 42x clock multiplier should do it, since you like the number 42. You open the CADD program again and it runs smoothly for a few seconds, before the laptop BURSTS INTO FLAMES. You are completely ON FIRE.

HmH - Nathan: You preach the Truth of Cheddarius as loudly as you can. (2) You spy an alligator, floating in the water, with only one eye. You walk up to it, preparing to heal its one-eyedness, but it just BITES YOUR LEFT LEG OFF. You hobble, bleeding, out of the water and stumble down on shore.

lawastooshort - Beatrix: You set a firm grip on the straps of your overalls and gaze. It is a pity there are so few trees here, but you suppose you can chop one of them. Without warning a hideous spineless mollusk man jumps out of the water and impales you with its claws! (5+1) With your last remaining strength, you grab your axe and chop it clean in half- but the wound cleanly sought your heart. You DIE, but not before thinking, that was a damn good axe swing.

Tiruin - Fortuna: You hold up your Left Hand (don't worry, I know it's a kind of dagger) and call to the sky, "God of Luck, make me AWESOME!" (5) And then your dagger glows with divine fury, prepared to seek out all foes who would challenge you and slay them, and stuff. The God of Luck has favored you- this time. If there really is one. You suppose it could be a very lucky coincidence.

agentorangesoda - MC Fly Money: Through the many-layered planes of the universe you venture to seek the Dark Prince, who resides in the Inferno to which evil souls are damned. You step to his throne and issue a challenge, "Dark One, by right of Swag, I lay claim to this place" and flash your shutter-shades. (1+1) And the dark one says, "You must be the most Swag soul in Hell to challenge me- but here, shutter shades are OUT OF STYLE." With his Dark Magic he sought to destroy your soul, but by Swaggermancy you let him only destroy your body, becoming a magical Wraith of Swag.

IronyOwl - SirWir: (5) You lunge from the water and attack the first land-dweller you see! You use your claw to impale it through the heart! Thinking yourself victorious, you ponder on how you might make a cool one-liner. But, before any good water puns come to mind, the land dweller CHOPS YOU ENTIRELY IN HALF WITH AN AXE. You try to say "Well, it looks like we're in the same boat!" but instead you just make a splurt sort of noise and DIE.

DinosaurusRex_x - Meowface McKittensberg: Somehow your trials and tribulations have lead you to be completely lost in the savanna. Nonetheless, you are determined to find a human to manipulate. You pick a direction in the tall grass (it's all tall to you) and wander for some time in a random direction, until (1) an elephant sees you. It recoils in fear at your tiny furry shape! For a moment there is trumpeting and elephants running everywhere, then one STEPS ON YOU and you DIE.

[Imakuni]

I REMEMBER THIS. FUCK YEAH.

-A NAME: Mikael Philps
-A GENDER: Male
-ONE SKILL: Swimming
-ONE ITEM: GOLDEN SPEEDO of ASTONISHING BRILLIANCE
-A BACKGROUND. Olympic gold medalist swimmer turned model. He enjoys wearing a speedo that reflects a lot of light.
-Your FIRST ACTION: Swim laps in murky pool. Impress ladies.

[Nirur Torir]

Such minor setbacks cannot be allowed to get in the way of colonizing Mars!

Having carefully memorized his nearly complete and absurdly perfect colony ship design, Juan will recreate it from sticks, leaves, dirt, and grass. Being on fire, he will be the ship's reactor core.

[Remalle]

Weave a fancy suit out of grass!

[IronyOwl]

Shit. Sometimes prey fights back I guess. Sorry Mr. Food!


-A NAME: Salwir
-A GENDER: Female
-ONE SKILL: Catching and eating soft things
-ONE ITEM: A sturdy shell
-A BACKGROUND: Salwir may or may not be related to Sirwir. Similar to determining her gender, you'd probably need some kind of chromosomal analysis to make sure. Regardless, she looks exactly the same to RACISTS and has exactly the same goals- set right this RACIST place under the heel of true molluscs.
-Your FIRST ACTION: Feed on wait no, these things have teeth. Or axes, it's hard to tell. Tame a lion to ride instead.

[Spinal_Taper]

-Pime Taradox
-Male
-Time Stream manipulation
-Pocket Watch of destiny
-A BACKGROUND. Pime was given the ability to see the future. This resulted in him seeing his own future, so he attempts to ascend to godhood, in order to prevent his death.
-Your FIRST ACTION: Erect a time-sphere