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[Hanslanda]

That said, I have a bit of personal experience with therapy. I'm on Drug Court, which is unimportant-ish, and they assigned me a counselor, which is important to this discussion. My problem with this counselor is that I can't trust her. She says I can and that nothing I say will be told to the judge or anything like that, but I don't believe her because I know it is a lie. I literally have seen and heard the lie being proven to be wrong. The counselors do discuss privileged information with the judge and with each other, and that does not inspire trust in me. It makes me very angry. I have a lot of repressed anger, so its not a good thing to have my COUNSELOR adding to it.

Side note: If you are in the United States, this may or may not be a very illegal practice by these counselors. I would consider contacting a lawyer and discovering if these conversations are considered to be legally privileged in your area. If they are, you could both get anything they tell to the judge thrown out of court and sue them.

I would try that, if I wasn't living paycheck to paycheck at my parents house, having pre-signed a confession to two felonies for possession. Also, the whole Drug Court thing I signed probably said somewhere in there that anything told to the counselors is Drug Court knowledge, shareable with the whole Drug Court 'team' and nyah nyah nyah, give us all your rights, slave.
Basically, I really want you to be right, but if you are, there is a very good chance I'd get sent to prison for winning. And also I'd be a felon. I don't wanna be a felon.

[MetalSlimeHunt]

See, you made your major mistake by signing things. Never sign anything.

If you are reading this, whomever you are, never sign anything!

[Hanslanda]

See, you made your major mistake by signing things. Never sign anything.

If you are reading this, whomever you are, never sign anything!

Sigging. Everyone must know about the not signing. EVERYONE. >.<

Sorry to derail on you like that Josh.

[JoshuaFH]

We share alot of sentiments MSH. I feel much the same way in how the system is warped.

I just feel that I have a great many emotional issues that I simply can't work through by myself, these emotions being relics of the ages of depression, and mainstays of the parade of anxiety that has been my life until now. I just think it'd be nice if I could get some things off my chest, things that I don't think I can talk about openly even here.

Why do you believe that you can't work through your issues on your own?

You've told us practically everything else about your problems. I won't try to convince you to talk about your past, but one of the inherent advantages of the internet is anonymity.

I'm not very anonymous here. The observant Bay12'er will notice that I've pretty much disclosed my full name, location, age, pictures of myself, and etcetera throughout my long period of time here.

There's just some things that I can't talk about in such an open forum, you understand, I hope.

[eerr]

If it's so easy to fail, why is it not so easy to succeed?
I think you should:

Narrow down how you define your successes and failures.
If it's not correctable, it's a feature, not a flaw.
If it's correctable then stop spazzing and go fix it.
If it's way too complicated then stop castrating it with the term "failure"
(oh look, your balls are off)


Use the dating sites: They work really well.
My Brother Eric is married to a maintainer of computer-servers, and enjoys it.
(yes, a woman)

[Reudh]

Not only that, Josh, but the impression I get from your posts in the past have been that you're a nice guy, just that you have trouble talking to girls. So do what I do! Make small talk! Funny little jokes. Interesting tidbits of information. Once you feel sufficiently relaxed, then the schmoozing can begin.

[forsaken1111]

Also keep in mind that girls are just humans who happen to have different reproductive organs. They're not an alien species, and they are relate-able. Talk to them like you would anyone else. If you alter the way you act when talking to girls, you will not find the girl who likes the way you truely act. You'll only find girls who like the way you think you should act. Be polite, pay attention, and be yourself.

[JoshuaFH]

Not only that, Josh, but the impression I get from your posts in the past have been that you're a nice guy, just that you have trouble talking to girls. So do what I do! Make small talk! Funny little jokes. Interesting tidbits of information. Once you feel sufficiently relaxed, then the schmoozing can begin.

I do consider myself a nice guy, and I do have trouble with girls. I mentioned the experience that sent me careening in this new direction in life, but I've been too afraid to speak of the person who instigated it.

When I try to talk about it with my friends, they believe it's a matter easily shrugged off since it was just a short romance and nothing came of it so why bother thinking about it? The truth being that I've been thinking about this girl for two years now. She was unattainable two years ago due to circumstances, but she was a girl that was really easy to speak with and we got along together, and there was an intense attraction there, I just couldn't capitalize on it; that's what made her special though in my mind, just being easy to speak with made all the difference in the world. Then I moved to Kalamazoo and forgot about women for my entire two years there, and deep down the emotional battering from my time in HS was still present and the idea of pursuing romance was, from my perspective, nothing but emotional suicide that would destroy my ramshackle confidence and leave me a derelict of a man marooned in a place far from home. However, in my stay there, I still thought of her fondly from time to time, even though I considered anything between us to be impossible at that point.

Then I came home, and I'm just minding my own business trying to put my life together, when she makes a surprise visit. Our meeting exploded into romantic intimacy that utterly destroyed my self-deprecating, loser perception of myself and altered the way I looked at the world too. Even though it was just a short encounter, it mattered so much, so so much! While I still blame myself for being awkward and inexperienced and scaring her away from me, maybe it was for the best. She was a girl that was very naive and spoiled, I'm not sure how long a relationship between us would have lasted HAD things progressed into a real relationship. We were very different people, that much was very obvious to me.

In my mind, there has been a great continental shift. Now given a taste of the physical intimacy I have been denied, or perhaps denied to myself, for so long and now my mind and body can do nothing but clamor for more. It consumes every idle thought, and pushes my drive in life with unparalleled force. I mentioned in several posts in several threads, that I feel this has opened my eyes, but that this is also a great curse placed upon me. That in giving me this strong desire that I'm not sure I can fulfill, I have nothing but a longer road of suffering ahead of me.

But yes Reudh, back to your post. I've never considered myself a master of small talk. In fact, my time speaking with people I'm not close to has been almost exclusively been me either not speaking, just listening to the other person, or ending the conversation to go do something else for whatever reason. It's something I'll need to practice at if I aim to become less lonely.

[Tuplis]

I only read your original post and that piece you just wrote - and to me it seems like you're definitely missing one huge thing: She seemed to totally fall for you.

You're away for two years, then come back and boom, a surprise visit. What do you think her intent was? To me, it's obvious. I don't know why things between you didn't work out but she waited (ok, maybe not waited but at least remembered, FONDLY) you for two years and that's something that doesn't wash away in an instant. Unless it's been another two years since that happened, I'd say go for her. You'll probably get another chance. If things don't work in the end, no problem - the vast majority of relationships don't.

Even if you don't take up my suggestion, it's unquestionable that this girl saw something in you because she came for you after two years. You can't be all bad.

[Reudh]

In my mind, there has been a great continental shift. Now given a taste of the physical intimacy I have been denied, or perhaps denied to myself, for so long and now my mind and body can do nothing but clamor for more. It consumes every idle thought, and pushes my drive in life with unparalleled force.

That's hormones for ya! That's what we are all like to greater or lesser degrees.

[JoshuaFH]

In my mind, there has been a great continental shift. Now given a taste of the physical intimacy I have been denied, or perhaps denied to myself, for so long and now my mind and body can do nothing but clamor for more. It consumes every idle thought, and pushes my drive in life with unparalleled force.

That's hormones for ya! That's what we are all like to greater or lesser degrees.

Is this what the people felt in their teenage years? I remember feeling only miserable at that time in my life, it's astounding that that could be the case.

I only read your original post and that piece you just wrote - and to me it seems like you're definitely missing one huge thing: She seemed to totally fall for you.

You're away for two years, then come back and boom, a surprise visit. What do you think her intent was? To me, it's obvious. I don't know why things between you didn't work out but she waited (ok, maybe not waited but at least remembered, FONDLY) you for two years and that's something that doesn't wash away in an instant. Unless it's been another two years since that happened, I'd say go for her. You'll probably get another chance. If things don't work in the end, no problem - the vast majority of relationships don't.

Even if you don't take up my suggestion, it's unquestionable that this girl saw something in you because she came for you after two years. You can't be all bad.

I am going to have to not take your suggestion. I have a bad penchant for excising details for the purpose of brevity, but I'm sure that what was between us is over now. She'd taken it upon herself to ignore me completely after our time together, she wouldn't return my calls and won't acknowledge online contact, and if she won't, I won't pursue the matter. Moreover, I heard from her mother that she had already moved on to another guy. Simply, I won't belittle myself or sabotage my pride as a man chasing a woman that doesn't care, it's beneath me and I won't tolerate it.

I wish I could have had a more complete end to the matter, but there's simply nothing I can do.

I do appreciate your observation though, and I do agree that if she found something attractive in me, perhaps I'm not the terrible guy I had believed I was, and I can impress other ladies and find romance elsewhere.

[JoshuaFH]

Accidental double post ftw.

[Hanslanda]

You're pretty intelligent about the whole deal. At least you didn't demean and hurt yourself over her.

[Kagus]

Wow, haha...  Some pretty heavy stuff getting posted in this thread.  Not really sure if I should pitch in my two cents' worth or not.


Josh, you've been an active enough poster on here for long enough that even my sieve-brain remembers you to some extent (just like to point out that to absolutely everyone that I have avatar pictures turned off in my profile settings, as they irritate me).  You've always seemed like a nice, intelligent, THINKING (amazing how rare a quality that is) person through your writings, so on an objective level you're actually far and away ahead of the curve in regards to available dudes.

However, and I know this all too well myself, that's a really hard concept to truly wrap your head around.  Listen to LordBucket, s/he () sounds like she's got her head on straight.  I'm not generally that good at telling myself things just for the sake of them, because I usually have to fight my brain contradicting them the entire time and it never really feels like it's getting anywhere.  That's just me though.

Personally, what I did was just act like I was really self-confident.  But I didn't do it out of pretending to be.  What I did was use my altogether too well-developed sense of irony as a means of perpetuating a "joke".  I am absolutely not comfortable in most social situations, particularly with people I have the intent of making a good impression on (be they romantic interests or just random individuals), but I act like I'm absolutely in my element and completely assured of myself and my own incredible worth because, well...  Because it's so far from the truth I feel that it's really kinda funny.  But you know what?  It really has made a difference.  It's gotten far easier, and as I realize that it's actually working, I honestly do start feeling better about myself because now I know it *is* possible for me to survive situations like that.  And it turns into an actual upward spiral.  My ass no longer drenches in sweat anytime I talk with someone I'm not intimately comfortable with (yes, that was honestly an issue I had before.  I couldn't sit on vinyl chairs anytime I was expected to talk with someone).

I also had (still have, to a lesser degree) a cripplingly low opinion of myself.  Slow, awkward, dumb, ugly, what-have-you...  And I'm still working with it.  And I've gone through life with some truly awesome starting benefits that disprove all of those.  I always made friends quickly, have placed in the 1% of standardized state-wide tests (without regular schooling), scored higher than previously recorded scores on college-level exams after a couple weeks of half-assed studying, and have been blessed with looks that cause some truly hilarious results from time to time (I once caused a woman to walk into a shelf of goods at a local store, because she was staring at me).

As for my relationships?  Well...  My first "relationship" was a two-year engagement to a girl.  She was a few years older than I was, but then again I only had two years to my name when we started.  And yes, I fully intended to spend the rest of my life with that girl.  Then she dumped me.

My first "real" relationship lasted through three intense, passionate months where we were forced to spend a lot of time apart due to my being in the military.  I felt feelings I never thought possible, had true meaning in my life, and was willing to take on the world for her.  After she offered for me to move in after I finished my service, I agreed and cancelled all other plans, including my return ticket to the states (I was serving in Norway).  Four days before I was to be discharged, she broke up with me over Skypechat saying I was too good a person to be with her.

When I got back into "the scene", I kept up with the online dating I'd started in the military (I had reason for doing this, what with being on a military base in the middle of fuckoff-land), and wound up scaring a number of people off.  Then I bumped into a girl that I honestly hadn't expected to be much, but that I wound up getting such an intense chemistry with that things flew off the handle and we shortly thereafter became convinced we were each others' soul mates.

Then she revealed herself to be a selfish, angry, bipolar, batshit insane bitch who not only ruined my chances with another girl who really could have been a good match for me and who I still kick myself for hurting that bad, but who also poisoned my relations with anyone after I finally broke things off.  I'm still a little paranoid that people I talk with may suddenly go berserk or scream that it's over and I'm a horrible person.

Nice track record, eh?  Don't let it bother you.  Things are really looking up now.  I'm stronger and wiser for the bad things I've encountered, and now I've got a really close platonic-with-benefits (one that actually works, which is really really rare) relationship with one girl and a potential something-more that I'm leading up to.  Is there a chance things could horribly blow up in my face yet again?  Knowing me, it's probably not unlikely.  But it's a learning process and I'm getting better at it, and I'm really quite enjoying myself right now while dealing with attractive, intelligent people who love talking with me on a deeply emotional and intellectual level and additionally totally want to tap this.


Thanks for letting me rant pointlessly in a disjointed fashion (not that you had much say in the matter).  You'll do fine.


I mean, really...  If the guy who discovered the use of bags filled with vomit and blood as viable rations on below-freezing adventurer mode mountain treks can get a date, you're gonna be just hunky-dory. 

[Reudh]

In my mind, there has been a great continental shift. Now given a taste of the physical intimacy I have been denied, or perhaps denied to myself, for so long and now my mind and body can do nothing but clamor for more. It consumes every idle thought, and pushes my drive in life with unparalleled force.

That's hormones for ya! That's what we are all like to greater or lesser degrees.

Is this what the people felt in their teenage years? I remember feeling only miserable at that time in my life, it's astounding that that could be the case.

Throughout my teenage years I felt miserable as well. 'Twas about the time when my few scant friends started chasin' girls; I showed next to no interest. More recently, now that such depression and misery have all but left, I chase girls now too! Not madly, mind you. I'm suave and kind.