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Author Topic: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo  (Read 17353 times)

Sheb

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #30 on: May 25, 2012, 05:29:22 pm »
Grab the key, jump into the car, and try to save your faithful presidential sidekick.
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Quote from: Paul-Henry Spaak
Europe consists only of small countries, some of which know it and some of which don’t yet.

Chink

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #31 on: May 25, 2012, 09:32:33 pm »
Grab key, and run over all of the cops while cussing loudly.
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lawastooshort

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #32 on: May 26, 2012, 04:11:20 pm »
You carry on slithering down the cop's windpipe till you reach his lungs, and violently thrust one side of you down each one! He quickly chokes and you throw yourself back up with such force you burst out of his chest, showering the car door with gore!

Grabbing the keys as you run, you leap through the open door of the squad car, thrust the keys into the ignition, and drive off towards the besieged wreckage of the Lincoln-ravaged gay bar.

You manage to get within two hundred metres when you run quite literally into the police blockade surrounding the bar! You hit the brake and skid sideways into the first cop car blocking you way, shunting the car so hard it rolls over, crushing the nearest three police officers! You spy their arms poking out from under the upturned car! You slide out of your seat, pop a cap in the fuel tank, and then light your stars and stripes zippo before chucking it to the floor.

You don't look back as you stride manfully towards the gay bar in the resulting confusion.

Spoiler: Stats (click to show/hide)
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MonkeyHead

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #33 on: May 26, 2012, 05:07:49 pm »
Spend all your money in the Gay Bar...
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Chink

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #34 on: May 26, 2012, 05:33:59 pm »
Find another host in the bar.
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applesauce machine

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #35 on: May 26, 2012, 06:30:39 pm »
>Find Lincoln so you can help him out.
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Quote from: TCM on August 19, 2012, 10:25:04 am
THE GOVERNMENT IS PUTTING BIBLES IN THE WATER SUPPLY.
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Bdthemag

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #36 on: May 27, 2012, 01:49:08 am »
I don't even know what I'm reading anymore.
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Quote from: Bdthemag on August 11, 2012, 11:15:08 pm
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Sheb

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #37 on: May 27, 2012, 03:32:13 am »
Shout "Speedos of the world unite! Crush your oppressors' hairy balls and make them suffer untold pain! For too long they have stained you, worn you, disrespected you! Now is time for payback, motherfucker!"

then wait for the police officers to collapse in pain.
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Quote from: Paul-Henry Spaak
Europe consists only of small countries, some of which know it and some of which don’t yet.

lawastooshort

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #38 on: May 27, 2012, 08:12:39 am »
For a second, you're mightily confused. You wonder just what the hell you're reading, but then you realise you're a Speedo! You can't damn read – even if you're Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo! You breathe a sigh of relief and pat your pockets for some cash to get a drink. But then you realise you're a Speedo! You don't have any damn pockets! You curse and search about the gay bar for a new host.

You find a bunch of cops hanging out behind the bar, pointing their weapons at the door leading to the back room where Abe's holed up. You consider taking one of them over, but then remember your sworn loyalties to the President. You take a deep breath.

Suddenly you leap onto the bar.

"Speedos of the world unite!" you yell, as loud as a Speedo can, "Crush your oppressors' hairy balls and make them suffer untold pain! For too long they have stained you, worn you, disrespected you! Now is the time for payback, motherfuckers!"

As the cops realise there's a newcomer amongst them, they turn to face you, guns still drawn. One of them points at you and shouts.

"Hey! It's the damned illegal Speedo that took Rob and Hutchins out! Get him!"

Two of the cops jump forward to smother you, but just then they collapse in pain! The other half dozen police officers backing them up fall to the ground and writhe about on the floor! One of them accidentally lets off his gun, shooting his fellow officer in the thigh.

You're about to dash through the melee and into Abe's hideout when you realise one of the cops is still standing. He looks you in the eye.

"Yeah. Commando, motherfucker. Eat this!"

He shoots!

You feel a hot burning pain in your right butt cheek area.

Skill acquired! Speedo Telepathy!

Wound acquired! Right butt cheek perforated!

Spoiler: Stats (click to show/hide)
« Last Edit: May 27, 2012, 08:14:55 am by lawastooshort »
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Sheb

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #39 on: May 27, 2012, 08:19:05 am »
Damn. That cop must be a wearer of boxer short, your ancestral enemies!

Think about a brilliant plan and execute it. Seriously, I have no idea.
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Quote from: Paul-Henry Spaak
Europe consists only of small countries, some of which know it and some of which don’t yet.

Scelly9

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #40 on: May 27, 2012, 12:57:12 pm »
You actually started this? AWESOME!


PTW
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Quote from: blackmagechill on June 08, 2012, 05:08:32 pm
You taste the jug! It is ceramic.
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lawastooshort

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #41 on: May 27, 2012, 03:42:46 pm »
"Shit shit shit," you think, "I need to come up with some kind of brilliant plan... SHIT!"

Bang! The evil cop shoots you in the left butt check whilst you stand there trying to come up with some kind of brilliant plan! The pain spurs you into action; you leap into the air as he's about to fire a third round at your central strip and smack his arm into the air! The cop shoots himself in the chin!

Striding over the bleeding corpse, you knock on the door to the backroom.

"Abe?" you whisper. "You there dude? It's me, your Speedo!"

"Speedo? That really you? Oh shit, man, I'm hurt bad!"

"Don't worry bro, I've handled the cops, I'm coming in!"

You slip through the gap under the door and can just about make out the form of President Lincoln, slumped in the corner of the room with his trusty shotgun aimed at the door. He's bleeding from the liver and there's a dead cop on the floor a few feet from him. The President doesn't even have his top hat on; his breathing is uneven and laboured.

Wound Acquired: Left butt cheek perforated!

Spoiler: Stats (click to show/hide)
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Sheb

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #42 on: May 27, 2012, 03:59:21 pm »
"No, Abe! We'll get through this together."

Attempt to mind-control a dead gay patron into carrying Lincoln into the squad car.
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Quote from: Paul-Henry Spaak
Europe consists only of small countries, some of which know it and some of which don’t yet.

lawastooshort

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #43 on: May 27, 2012, 04:16:54 pm »
"No, Abe! We'll get through this together! Come on man, we've been through so much! We can pull through! Hey, I know the answer! The undead! Always!"

You strain your mind until your elastic nearly snaps; suddenly you see a kidney and a few flaps of skin waddle through the open door towards you! You've managed to mind-control the dead, but it seems Lincoln's Presidential legislation evisceration has left all his victims in unusable pieces! Or perhaps you just don't have the power yet, being a wounded and fairly low level Speedo?

In the distance you hear sirens begin to wail once more, and the air seems to throb with the hum of an approaching chopper. Time is running out.

Spoiler: Stats (click to show/hide)
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applesauce machine

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #44 on: May 27, 2012, 05:03:00 pm »
>Get yourself and your host to a safe place, preferably another building, before any more cops can come in and trap you guys in here for good.
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Quote from: TCM on August 19, 2012, 10:25:04 am
THE GOVERNMENT IS PUTTING BIBLES IN THE WATER SUPPLY.
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