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[Criperum]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

>crawl to the hose like a caterpillar and then bite its ass to make it rush
>don't just bite its ass but bite it so hard it will bring us far far away
>furry caterpillar as a driver and teeth as a whip? Doubling this

You crawl, like a caterpillar, to the donkey's croup and bite its ass with all your teeth. It screeches loudly and carry the wagon away from the village square. You feel the movement have changed up the cliff but could not see anything. Now only you decide when to fall out of the wagon...

[Criperum]

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So I found it in some nasty book written by some perverted elf. I have no idea how it happened to be in the library. Among his love affairs descriptions author mentioned a dwarf gang "Arol-Iton" ruling a seedy hangout in the human city Ladtakomage. If the elf didn't lie and prettify anything in this story, except the size of his family jewels of course, I have a good starting point for searches. I've found the city on the map easily, it also appeared to be quite close to my wilderness. The only thing disturbs me is that the ghost called this slum gang a settlement, almost a mountain home. Is the dwarf civilization in such decay now.

[onciblu]

Just to confirm the obvious: this is a flash flashback right?

[Criperum]

I think its a sort of prequel or spinoff.

[Criperum]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

A couple of more adoes left and I can leave. I couldn't rely completely on guard of several uncontrolable zombies so I ordered to thoroughly hide the most valuable books. I don't need to add a selftought necromacer to the rest of my problems.
All supplies needed for long journey I had since I was wondering after I became free. I just had to say goodbye to a horse and a wagon. Also I've gathered a massive collection of coins from different countries and eras: most of them belonged to the magister, some I earned myself, some I found on the battle field where my tower was being built. I took only those which should not look too antique or outlandish for locals.

[Criperum]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

For the time during long travel from Akrulaban to the native Ivety's home - the elven grove ruled by her father Muia Forivara - you deeply realized how fucking much you fed up with her company.
Urdim was silent all the way. He is good.
Libash was pacing near the wagon shooing away homeless dogs from time to time. Also in silence. She is good too.
The goose was in your side all the way. He is also good.
But Ivety. Dearest fucking wife. She is not good at all.
You were silent too boiling in your own thoughts like in a couldron.
The familiar landscapes showed ahead. The growe is close.

[Criperum]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

> jump out of the wagon on the lama's back
> ride the rest of the journey on the lama
> force Ivety to do push-ups and sit-ups
> appoint Ivety a diplomat

- I'll make you obedient fast! Bitch! Whore! - you shouted at wife and then jumped out from the wagon on the back of Libash that was walking near.
Ivety was taken aback and slipped on the floor on her butt.
- You've swelled with fat and now sitting here and looking at me! Work out now, bitch!
The elfess started to do ridiculous movements, you continued:
- Just kidding of course... It's not bitchness, it's norm. I just wanted to to prepare you for your new assignment. I want to make you a diplomat of Akrulaban. The messenger of my will in this land - you stood proudly and looked around.
Ivety lay down the floor:
- Do you want to send my away? Are you bored with me? Do you want to shake me off to my dad as an old toy?
- You'll be the voice of the King. Did you listen ot me? Bitch! Whore! Just kidding... But seriously... I'm entrusting you the fate of external politics of our Mountain Home. It's the highest degree of trust. Value this.
- I'm sorry, honey. Somethimes I forget you are not only my husband but also a King - still laying on the wagon bottom she spread her knees and raised her eyebrow playfully - I'm at your command.

[Criperum]

Lazyness suddenly attacked me from behind and KOed me completely.

[onciblu]

they are still going?

[Criperum]

They do. I just need to find some time and energy.

[Criperum]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Suddenly the wagon jumped on a pothole and you pretended that your foot slipped and falling into the wagon you kicked your wife right between her legs.
- Ouch! Why did you do that?! - she yipped.
- Sorry, sorry...
- You just what, kicked me?!
- I'm so sorry...
- Are you kidding me? You did it on purpose!
- My foot just slipped, I'm so, so sorry...
- I hurts so much... - Ivery curdled on the floor.
- Let me care you - you bowed and started to blow on the achy place.

[Criperum]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Now it's time to draw the curtains and give your wife's crotch another stress test.

[Criperum]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

You abandoned yourself to passion and continued until the royal seed dewed the wagon bottom. At this moment the wagon stopped. You covered yourself and looked outside. Father Muyia was meeting you with smile on his face. And the person next to him was Queen Kisat herself! When she saw your face she winked as a conspirator.

[Criperum]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

You winked like a conspirator in return, then looked into the wagon and winked your wife the same way. She was in a mixed feelings but mostly pleasant ones so she winked you too with some meaning.
You jumped down on the ground and spread your arms:
- Hello, father! - you approached Muiya and hugged his buttocks.
- Greeetings, King Likot - the elf was shocked a little bit but then he friendly clapped your shoulder - Welcome to our grove.
- Speaking of "our". We'll talk about it later. - you turned to Vellokum and broke into a smile - Dear Kisat!
She offered her hand:
- King Ubendeb Saramkurig Delerottan..
You grabbed her palm with sonant slap and started to shake it confidently:
- I'm very glad to meet you!
- Likot, you should kiss the hand actually - the queen said tranquilly and when you tryed to do that she took the hand away with smile - Next time then.
Ivety climbed out of the wagon.
- Sweety! - Muiya yelled.
- Daddy!
Elves started to hug and chat while you returned the converstion with Kisat:
- So what bring you here?
- I'm just passing by actually. I'm travelling. I was too bored to sit in that damned Arol-Iton. So I gave everyone tasks, appointed a viceroy and moved out.
- Did you start to dig the tonnel?
- Of course. Right under that bridge you pointed. We'll have a... touch point there. That's your wife? She's cute. A forceful chin.
- Ivety? - you looked in the elfess - Yes. The political marriage.
- What do they have downstairs? Elves I mean... The same as we do?
You laughed:
- Almost the same,
- Ok, shush... - Kisat pushed your shoulder and stared above your head.
You turned around. At last elder and younger Forivaras twittered enough. Muiya turned his eyes on you two:
- I invite everyone to have a meal. Of course if Mountain Home rulers don't need to discuss their business alone.
- Yes, we'll walk a while - you said instanlty.
- Oh, then after you finish go to that big tree. The stairs will lead you to the dining hall. Let's go daughter. Let's go everyone. No need for guards, its safe here.
Slowly everyone went away leaving you and Vellokum alone.

[Criperum]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

- Hey - you started suavely - Isn't it adamantium produced by me personally on your head? When I got into Arol-Iton I was robbed in the most unpleasant way. So that thing is rightfully mine!
- Likot, it's a silver. I left that crown in the Arol-Iton. I'm not that crazy to take such thing with me in a journey. It's a property of Mountain Home after all. And we gave you a charter...in absentia. And put it on the wall in your former room. It's a museum now. With a tablet on the door. And about the robbery - just forget about it. It was an expropriation of common property. You were noone - a refugee from fallen Mountain Home, technically a maradeur that had stolen valuable treasures from Arol-Iton.
- But that village does not belong to Arol-Iton!
- It does now. And everything beneath it too. We can speak long about juridical subtleties or we can discuss something more interesting.
We were slowly walking though the thicket. Birds were tweeting around - obtrusive little beasts. You decided to change the subject:
- What's with the ghost? Does it bother you? The one who have been killed with a bolt on the entrance shortly before I was caught...
- Did you forget how we discussed it? We buried your friend the same time we got you. Bukkaketotil told us his name so we didn't have any problems.
- Hi's Buketotil actually.
- Whatever. Tell me one thing: how did you manage to marry an elf? I mean... she is an elf!
- What's wrong with them?
- Yuck... - Kisat made a face - They are disgusting! So slim and smooth, it's so gross to touch them. And their ididotic manners.
- Consider it as part of my perverted nature - you smiled - I almost puke sometimes when I'm with her but the conception... I find some sort of perverted pleasure in that.
- Really! I can understand that. Fine.
The grass and fallen leaves were rustling under your feet.